Tag Archives: labour

by | September 29, 2017 · 7:00 am

Labour vote to ‘bring back hanging baskets’

Hang ’em high.

The Labour Party has voted unanimously in favour of more overhead floral growth as a peaceful and environmentally-friendly deterrent against terrorism.

Moving the motion, Shadow Home Secretary Diane Abbott left the delegates in suspense for a moment when she called for a vote to “Bring back hanging” before pausing to take a sip of water then adding “baskets”.

The idea has been welcomed by Harold psychologist Dr Freya Fairchild.

“Studies have shown that in an environment of pretty colours, sweet scent and Continue reading →

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by | September 26, 2017 · 1:20 am

Can only cheer and clap: scientists create ideal party conference attendee

Happy happy joy joy

As Labour continue to have an awfully big adventure in Brighton local inventors Dr Rachel Goody and Dr John Guest have announced that they’ve created the Perfect Conference Attendee.

“Through genetic mutation we’ve managed to change ordinary humans into beings that look smart, can only cheer and have five sets of hands in order to easily generate thunderous applause,” said Dr Goody.

The PCAs also possess reinforced legs as well as the stamina to give five hour standing ovations however their inventors are still tinkering.

“We won’t be finished until our PCAs have no ability to think,” said Dr Guest. “Then they’ll be ready for Ukip.”

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by | July 17, 2017 · 5:15 am

“Don’t worry, lads. Our leader will always be a man,” says English Labour Party

Ugh, a woman as the Doctor. How Tory is that?

Labour have offered comfort to men so incensed by Doctor Who now starring someone who doesn’t have a musket-and-bandoliers swinging about between their legs that their own are in danger of falling off through sheer rage by assuring them that the leader of their party will always be a man. Continue reading →

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by | May 8, 2017 · 11:30 am

Labour counter Tories’ Strong and Stable tag with #StringandStubble

Corbyn and McDonnell show us the size of their imaginary balls of string.

The Labour media team has launched the Party’s election tag #StringandStubble in a direct hit on the Tories’ #StrongandStable.

Appearing on Channel 4 News, Chancellor-in-Waiting John McDonnell told Jon Snow that very few people had a clue what ‘Strong and Stable’ was all about.

“Perhaps it appeals to people who own a fleet of pedigree racehorses,” he said, “but the vast majority of people want something a bit less rolling hills and open countryside.”

“Labour believes that every man, woman and child has the right to own their own ball of string. Continue reading →

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by | May 6, 2017 · 1:26 am

Corbyn orders McDonnell to lay down electoral life in futile gesture

Don’t know why these two are on our minds

Jeremy Corbyn has told shadow chancellor John McDonnell to sacrifice himself for the good of Labour’s election campaign.

“The election’s not going very well, you know,” said Corbyn. “It’s a psychological thing rather like a game of football and in football ten men often play better than eleven so I’ve asked John to be that one man.”
Continue reading →

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by | April 20, 2017 · 2:16 pm

Labour maverick doesn’t play by the rules but gets the job done: Dirty Jerry

But you’ve gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya punk?

Labour’s new look Jeremy Corbyn is a steely-eyed man; he’s seen his share of trouble but takes no shit. From anyone.

In a departure from his previous gentle style, Corbyn challenged a shadow cabinet rebel today, in forthright terms. “I know what you’re thinking. ‘Did he fire six colleagues or only five?’ Well to tell you the truth in all this excitement I kinda lost track myself. But you’ve gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky? Continue reading →

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by | January 11, 2017 · 3:09 am

Corbyn calls for cap on coherent policy making

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“Blessed are they …who convert their neighbour’s ox, for they shall inhibit their girth …and to them only shall be given– to them only… shall… be… given…”

Jeremy Corbyn has relaunched Labour as an electoral force by calling for an end to coherent policy making and representing the views of Remainers such as, for example, sixty-five per cent of Labour voters.

“Labour now stands for the values of not being wedded to policies and mis-speaking,” he said in a landmark speech. “Let me be perfectly unclear and then let me be so again on the Today programme and again on World at One and maybe even Sky News.” Continue reading →

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by | September 12, 2016 · 3:34 pm

Bono proclaims he will heal Labour

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Rejoice for He is among us

There is relief today as having heard the cries of a people suffering without an Opposition, Bono has descended and promised to fix this heaving shambles pronto, like.
“No more division. All is needed is one beautiful, humble voice. It’s time for Bono, let Him speak,” said Bono. “Guys, I feel your pain and just like Africa I will heal it.” Continue reading →

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by | July 22, 2016 · 7:00 am

Jeremy Corbyn offers Owen Smith job as Labour Party gimp.

Leather_gimp_suit

Taking one for the team.

Casting aside his opponent’s offer of a role as party president, Mr Corbyn has told Owen Smith that when, sorry if, he is re-elected as party leader, his erstwhile challenger will be given a new honourary position of his own; that of dominated rubber clad party bitch. Continue reading →

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by | June 28, 2016 · 6:52 pm

Labour MPs turn backs on serving country to serve only themselves

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How can you miss an open goal as big as these two egos?

The vast majority of Labour MPs have today confirmed that they will no longer be serving their constituencies and the country as a whole and from now on will be one hundred per cent focussed on their own narrow interests and financial futures. Continue reading →

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by | June 26, 2016 · 12:05 pm

Labour Party Support For Coxit Up

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The first bearded shadow front bench MP since Ann Widdecombe.

In a bid to kick UK political stability firmly in the nuts while the country tries to recover from an unusually bad bout of stupid; the Parliamentary Labour Party has decided that it can’t allow Jeremy Corbyn to remain as its most popular leader in a generation.

“There’s no room for selfless demonstrations of moral integrity in the modern Labour Party” said former shadow foreign secretary and twatfumbling cumblanket Hilary Benn. Continue reading →

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by | April 29, 2016 · 7:00 am

Labour continue to miss massive open goal

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The first rule of the Labour Party is: you do not talk about anything else

Despite being in opposition to a pack of weasels led by a man who’d frack his own grandmother if he thought she was naturally gassy enough to make an (offshore) profit, the Labour party remain unable to look anywhere other than up their own arse.

“It’s very easy to say we’re missing an open goal,” said Jeremy Corbyn. “But the important thing to do is first establish what game we’re playing. I want to be goalie, Hilary Benn insists we’re playing rugby union and Dianne Abbott is wandering around asking everyone why she’s wearing wicket keeping gloves.” Continue reading →

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by | December 11, 2015 · 7:00 am

Labour launch another splinter group to prove how united they are

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The Left united will never be defeated! Oops

There were celebrations all over Westminster last night as the Labour Party launched another splinter group to demonstrate their cohesiveness.

Open Labour joins Momentum, Labour First, The Labour That Melts in Your Mouth and Not in Your Hand, and The People’s Front of Judea amongst many other groups each espousing the ‘correct’ way to be left of the government. Continue reading →

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by | November 27, 2015 · 7:09 am

Syrian air strikes: MPs to examine their consciences; or ‘ask the wife’.

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Excuse me while I let this off…

Prime Minister Cameron has sent all MPs back to their homes and constituencies this weekend with clear instructions to examine their own consciences about the exciting prospect of bombing the shit out of Syria.

“It’s diplomatic language,” explained a spokesman for Number Ten. “Most of the male members [of The Commons] haven’t got a clue how to think straight and reason with logic, especially if they try to fit it in while watching Match of the Day.

“Their wives, on the other hand, have very clear views, often expressed in a tone of voice that obviates the need for further discussion, while cooking dinner, sorting the laundry, helping the kids with their homework and planning the Christmas seating arrangements.”

“Hopefully,” he concluded, “they’ll all come back here on Monday morning, eager to toe the line, or risk hanging their members [their penises] out to dry for the foreseeable future.”

Continue reading →

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by | October 13, 2015 · 8:16 am

Corbyn fails to refute Time Lord rumours

Corbyn's mission is to save the planet from Tories

Corbyn’s mission is to save the planet from Tories

Jeremy Corbyn, the latest regeneration of the Labour Party leader, has become known as ‘The Doctor’ within the corridors of Labour Central Office for his eccentric behaviour and general unworldliness.

“It started as a bit of a joke because of his likeness to the actor Peter Capaldi and his dislike for wearing a tie” a Labour insider revealed, “but we soon realised that the similarity went beyond his appearance, thanks to his bizarre statements and unintelligible policies.”

“For instance,” continued the bemused insider, “as I was passing the Tardis – as his office is known – I’m almost certain I overheard Jeremy likening Ian Duncan-Smith to a Sontaran who could only be controlled by the evil Davros; and it is common knowledge that he believes the Queen is a Weeping Angel.” Continue reading →

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by | August 28, 2015 · 11:00 am

Thousands turned away from Corbynland

corbynland

A charming trip down memory lane.

Up to 60,000 tourists have been refused entry to the deliberately grim attraction called ‘Corbynland’.

Some had waited patiently for over 30 years to visit the theme park, which features a nationalised railway for the ladies and a free lunch area for union members only.

“I got to the turn stile, and they asked me if I’d been to a rival tourist attraction before”, said Harold’s Phil Evans.

“I told them I’d been to a model village in Chipping Norton a few years ago, but it was very unrealistic. However, they said that was enough to get me barred from Corbynland.”
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by | August 27, 2015 · 7:10 am

Jeremy Corbyn pledges to reintroduce bathing machines

bathing machine

Like a closed shop, but before the wheels came off.

Labour hopeful Jeremy Corbyn will push women into the sea in wheeled sheds, if elected.

The surprise announcement was made by Corbyn, who has pledged to reintroduce a number of similar initiatives abandoned by history.

“From coal mines and women-only carriages, to rickets and dinosaurs, I think we can all agree that the past was a better place”, said Corbyn.

Bathing machines were used by the Victorians, so that women could swim in the sea without men being offended by their calves.

Corbyn believes that rather than condemning the practice of ankle ogling, it would be less confrontational to set women adrift.
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by | August 20, 2015 · 2:00 pm

‘Corbyn has links to deranged warmonger’ claims Tony Blair

Corbyn has an extremely unsavoury association with me

Corbyn has an extremely unsavoury association with me

Tony Blair has intervened again in the election, this time demanding that Jeremy Corbyn explain his links to a deranged warmonger who launched an illegal war in the Middle East in 2003.

Blair alleges that Corbyn served in a party led by the war criminal for over ten years. Continue reading →

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by | August 17, 2015 · 3:39 am

Mandelson attempted to get other houses to resign so Gryffindor wouldn’t win House Cup

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Peter Mandelson: intensely unrelaxed about democracy

It emerged late last night that Lord Mandelson involved himself in the Hogwarts House Cup by urging three houses to resign en mass in order to suspend the contest and prevent the left wing Gryffindor house from winning.

Mandelson, a Slytherin and close confident of Lord Tonymort whom he helped rise to power in 1997, is understood to have contacted the heads of each of the three houses and ordered them to resign on the grounds that a bunch of left-wingers winning something made him feel “all clammy and alarmed as it should any proud Labour member who truly embraces our party’s history and ideals.” Continue reading →

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by | August 12, 2015 · 3:15 pm

Labour bans 1,200 who ‘might vote wrong’

Don't worry about that scribble at the bottom

Don’t worry about that scribble at the bottom

About 1,200 people have been banned from voting in Labour’s leadership election because they might vote for the wrong person.

Labour said the number would rise as officials check the credentials of anybody registering to vote using the simple screening question “Do you intend to vote for Jeremy Corbyn?”.

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