Category Archives: bombs

UN finally intervenes in Trump/ Kim Jong-un spat. “Right, here’s the tape measure. Slap your cocks on the desk!”

“I can take it, can he dish it out?”

An exasperated head of the UN has ordered Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un to get their todgers out and have them measured at the same temperature, under laboratory conditions.

“We’ve had enough of them using metaphors, like the size of their hands or their nuclear weapons strength for the size of their schlongs” said UN Secretary General, António Guterres, “so now’s the time to see if either of them can match eight half-crowns.”

Trump’s obsession with the size of his old man Continue reading

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Nuclear control ‘far safer with coke-snorters than Donald Trump’

UK nuclear command prepare for the night shift.

A weekend IMHO poll has revealed that most people feel relaxed about our nuclear warheads being under the control of wide-awake clear-thinking coke-snorting top-flight gamers, and that this is way preferable to President Trump having his finger on the big button.

“These guys in the submarine are best in class when it comes to video war games,” said Harold teenager Kevin Ronsson. “They’ve got hand-eye coordination like you wouldn’t believe and they’re so sharp-brained they can beat you at chess with one hand while fending off incoming with the other. Whereas Trump is more like a thick dickhead, still stuck on level 1 in Hungry Horace.”
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Filed under Around Harold, bombs, Defence, Drugs, Lifestyle, Politics, War

Nuclear war narrowly averted as Trump loses The Codes

“So I lost the codes. It’s no big deal.”

The White House was in meltdown today following President Trump’s tweet “OMG I lost the codes!” only hours before he was due to declare all-out nuclear war on N Korea.

“These things happen,” he tweeted.

Working on the theory the codes may have been stolen by a pickpocket working for the enemy, all of Trump’s fingers were pointing at a single suspect. Continue reading

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Filed under bombs, Defence, environment, Lost and Found, Space, Trump, War

Trump to be given toy nuclear button to play with

“You’re fired!”

Donald Trump is to be given a special “training” red button when he takes office in the White House, insiders revealed today.


A spokesman revealed that there were fears that the incoming President might not fully realise the seriousness of the nuclear launch system, and therefore plans have been put in place to give him a toy red button to play with until he learns that pressing it is a bad thing.

“He’s been demanding a red button all day, saying he’s in charge now and we can’t stop him,’ admitted one insider. “So we’ve started him off with a nice bright plastic one with a teddy bear head on the top.”

“He’s been hammering the crap out of that button all day, shouting ‘You’re fired!’ over and over and over…”

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Filed under bombs, Showbusiness, US Elections

Syrians ask for national flags on bombs so they know who to thank



Grateful but confused Syrians say national flags painted on bombs would make it easier to work out which liberating power to thank.

“We just can’t keep up with all the different countries that are sharing their bombs with us. It’s like when you don’t save the little cards on present wrapping-paper” said multiple bomb recipient Hamza Ali.

“A flag painted on the bomb would make it so much easier. Perhaps even design them so they whistle your national anthem as they help clear away our superfluous hospitals and schools.”
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Syria bombing stepped up to protect Leytonstone


Too close for comfort

Following the terrorist knife attack in Leytonstone, Prime Minister David Cameron has vowed to increase the number of Syrian bombing raids “until East London is safe again”.

Police were called to reports of people being attacked at Leytonstone around 19:00 on Saturday. The knifeman reportedly shouted “this is for Syria”. The police have not yet been able to work out what might have motivated the violence.

In a statement to the press, the Prime Minister explained: “This is exactly why we need to bomb Syria more often. What hope is there of stopping these terrible incidents at home unless we flatten a country far, far away?”

“By killing innocent civilians in our futile show of strength, we will doubtless cause these extremists in Britain to give up their fight.”

“We’ll probably gain lots of friends everywhere, too.”

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WAR – this time it’s different, explains Cameron


Not this time, says Dave!

The government has explained that the decision to flatten Syria will not cause any of the disastrous problems usually associated with this sort of thing.

Anti-war campaigners, innocent Syrian people and other terrorist sympathisers had pleaded desperately that the inevitiable outcome of bombing would be a hellish nightmare on Earth, but these concerns have now been addressed directly by Prime Minister David Cameron. Continue reading

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Filed under bombs, Children, War

Tired Cameron calls for vote to change Syria’s climate.

"You don't need a weatherman..."

“You don’t need a weatherman…”

David Cameron could be getting in a muddle as he flits back and forth between the Climate Change Conference in Paris and earnest war-mongering efforts in London.

Fears that he is over-stretching his mind were not allayed on Monday night when he called for a Commons vote to change the Syrian climate.

“The problem is, he’s got his head in too many places at the same time,” said one commentator.

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Filed under bombs, environment, Europe, floods, ice, International News, Labour, Nature, Politics, War, Weather

100% of Syrians vote to be not bombed

imageThe people of Syria have voted emphatically not to be massacred in a bloodthirsty bombing campaign, it was announced this morning.

Rather than restrict the vote to members of parliament, it was felt that the actual people who would be dying in the rubble ought to also have a say. Turnout was high, at 100%.

The referendum asked the simple question: “Do you want to be massacred by an ill-conceived show of Western indiscriminate aggression? (Yes or No).”

Voting seems to have been remarkably consistent across the sexes and age groups, with 100% of women under 30 voting “NO”, exactly the same figure as men over 80, children under 13, and indeed absolutely everybody else.

“It’s as if they didn’t want to be killed by bombing,” complained UK Prime Minister David Cameron today. “If you ask me, these results seem very suspicious – I find it hard to believe that no-one wanted to die in a mangled heap of concrete and metal. Really, Syria? No-one?”

Others criticised the Syrians for their naive grasp of defense policy, questioning whether the population had really thought this through from a global perspective.

“This decision is selfish in the extreme,” insisted Geoffrey Sang, spokesman for UK arms company BAE Systems. “If these people had any consideration whatsoever of my kitchen extension plans, they would have voted very differently. Well, on their own heads be it. Or not, annoyingly.”

A spokesperson for the “NO” campaign expressed little surprise at the outcome, saying: “We don’t want to die. It’s pretty simple. Death, no thanks. Dying, not any. Do you get it yet?”

“We’re pretty sure that this will now be the end of the matter – we’ve decided and that’s that.”

“You’d have to be a bit of a cunt to bomb us anyway, wouldn’t you?”

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Filed under bombs, International News, War

Syrian air strikes: MPs to examine their consciences; or ‘ask the wife’.


Excuse me while I let this off…

Prime Minister Cameron has sent all MPs back to their homes and constituencies this weekend with clear instructions to examine their own consciences about the exciting prospect of bombing the shit out of Syria.

“It’s diplomatic language,” explained a spokesman for Number Ten. “Most of the male members [of The Commons] haven’t got a clue how to think straight and reason with logic, especially if they try to fit it in while watching Match of the Day.

“Their wives, on the other hand, have very clear views, often expressed in a tone of voice that obviates the need for further discussion, while cooking dinner, sorting the laundry, helping the kids with their homework and planning the Christmas seating arrangements.”

“Hopefully,” he concluded, “they’ll all come back here on Monday morning, eager to toe the line, or risk hanging their members [their penises] out to dry for the foreseeable future.”

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Filed under bombs, breaking news, Civil rights, Defence, Labour, Society, War

“Air strike decision on hold until we decide what to call the bad people” – PM.


Caliphate of Ultra Nationalist Terrorists in Syria

David Cameron is expected to table an urgent commons vote this week to decide the next name to give to the terror group, formally known as ISIL.

The terrorist organization has undergone a series of radical name changes over the last 3 years as their PR machine struggles to find a universally acceptable brand. Continue reading

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Highways Agency regrets awarding road maintenance contract to ISIS.

The road, the hole road and nothing but the road.

The road, the hole road and nothing but the road.

There are red faces in the Highways Agency following a rash of complaints from motorists about the large number of potholes appearing on Britain’s roads. Motoring organizations and MPs are blaming the Highways Agency after it was discovered that the lucrative road maintenance contract was awarded to an unknown firm called Integrated Expert Developments from the Islamic State. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, bombs, gritters, idiots, Politics, Religion, Society, Transport, Uncategorized