Category Archives: Weather

Discovery of water on Mars will not avert hosepipe ban, says water company

Not to mention the pot holes…

While scientists are over the moon with their discovery of a water lake on Mars, residents of North West England have expressed disappointment that their hosepipe ban will not be cancelled.

“Water on Mars isn’t really going to help with the regional water shortage,” said a spokesman for United Utilities.

“Our job is to manage the water here in Lancashire and we’re not very good at that, so you can’t honestly think, as some have suggested, that we may as well try to run a pipeline from Mars. Not without a feasibility study anyway.”

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Filed under environment, floods, Intergalactic News, Lost and Found, science, Space, Weather

Hero dog fetched fire brigade after locking its owner in car on hot day

Harold crossbreed terrier Barney has been hailed a hero after alerting Dunstable Fire Brigade to a man locked in a car on the hottest day of the year.

“I accidentally ate four packets of chocolate chip cookies in the back of the car on the way home from Tesco,” Barney told the Evening Harold, “and then puked all over the rear seat.”

Sensing his owner was a bit narked, Barney made a bolt for it when they reached home, grabbing the car key from the ignition in his mouth and putting the car in lockdown mode. He then buried the key ‘somewhere in the back garden’.

Half an hour later, Barney decided to check on his owner, who seemed to be taking a long time to bring the shopping in, only to see him gasping for air inside the steamed up car and writing ‘EM PLEH’ in yoghurt on the windscreen. Continue reading

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Filed under Animals, Around Harold, Motoring, Weather

Metaphysical warning over Trump Friday the 13th UK visit

Be afraid

UK citizens are being advised to stay indoors and not touch anything on Friday 13 July when President Trump visits the Kingdom.

“Bad Luck and Weird Coincidences are happening all the time,” explained super-meta-physicist Milton Keynes, “but compound that with the Friday the 13th phenomenon and a visit from a madman, then we could all be in big, big trouble.”

“My advice is, stay indoors lock everything and keep still. Above all, do not walk under any ladders or attempt to straighten the hall mirror. Or watch the news.”

Church leaders and soothsayers are urging Mrs May to Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Dating, Donald Trump, Entertainment, Philosophy, Religion, science, Weather

Putin ‘over the moon’ with talent show win

Gobsmacked.

“I was gobsmacked when they told me I won,” said magician Vladimir Putin. “It hasn’t fully sunk in yet, I’m speechless.”

The shock result was announced just hours after voting closed.

“He won by a landslide,” said his agent, “beating both the unicyclist juggler and the fire-eating sword-swallower who made it through to the final round. They simply couldn’t match his magic.”

“As a child, I used to dream of winning Stars in Their Eyes,” said Mr Putin, “but it was not until I joined the KGB that I seriously started to play with smoke and mirrors, before moving on to develop my own unique style of magic.” Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, Entertainment, International News, Showbusiness, Weather

Kremlin denies all knowledge of UK weather

massive fan

The Russian Ambassador has complained about prejudiced UK weather reports.

“You get bit of snow and immediately point finger at Russia. Not fair. You have no evidence to support theory of cold air from Siberia.”

But the met office has confirmed that the recent big freeze was correctly identified as the Beast from the East, or Storm Vladimir Putin to give it its proper name.

“The evidence is there,” said a BBC weatherwoman, pointing to the carcass of a yeti washed up on a beach in Norfolk.

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Filed under Defence, gritters, Politics, Weather

Local idiot will sit in the sun all day today, if temperatures top 30°C

sunburn3

See, two whole days in the sun last week – still no cancer

A Harold man who thinks the moon-landings were faked and melanoma is what picnic mugs are made from, hopes to get his annual Vitamin D intake today, if weather forecasts are correct .

Conspiracy theorist and pot-head, 23 year-old Adam Cassidy, says that skin cancer is an invention of cancer charities. Continue reading

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Filed under idiots, News, Weather

“It’s too hot” says man who moaned last week that summer was over

thermometer

“How is anyone supposed to live in temperatures like these?”

A local man who thinks the winds, waves, and ultimately the varying temperature of the sun are personally out to spite him, has “had enough of it.”

Daytime temperatures in Harold have soared to 26℃ and Adam Cassidy believes it’s time to take a stand.

“I like it hot as much as anybody else, but this is too hot.” complained Cassidy, a part-time conspiracy theorist, who confirmed that a steady 22.4℃ with a light south westerly breeze would be perfect. “But not too much of a breeze, otherwise it makes the blinds rattle when I open the windows.”.

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Filed under Around Harold, News, Weather

Fumes of Mordor not technically ‘weather’

legolas

Sod the red sky at night bollocks, what about his gorgeous hair?

Harold’s new weatherman, Nicholas Legolas, has been fired after viewers complained about his “overly dramatic” style.

The handsome blonde, thought to have been employed for his good looks and piercing eyes, often adopted a portentous tone when delivering reports on Harold’s latest meteorological activities.

“He is a lovely looking lad” said Doris Kettle, “with hair like a Pantene advert, mine were never that shiny, not even when I were young. But I don’t need to know about the fumes of Mordor of a morning, I just want to know if I can put me delicates on the line to dry.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Entertainment, News, Weather

Local bank ‘was just a front for a launderette’

Bank, became a launderette, now a pound shop.

Bank, then a launderette, now a poundshop.

From the outside, it looked like any other High Street Bank. But behind the heavy wooden doors, a laundering operation was providing services for working people with no washing machines of their own.

Documents obtained by the Evening Harold from the local Planning Committee reveal conclusively that a ‘change of use’ application was approved in 1959, subject to the building retaining its original facade.

“I’m not surprised at all,” said Doris Kettle who remembers well the massive ‘just one more sixpence’ launderette drying machine swindle of the 1960s.

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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Lifestyle, News, Nostalgia, Travel, Weather

Town plunged into darkness after solar panel craze

black

Harold, midday today. Mayor Jackson on the left.

The English town of Harold was plunged into utter blackness today after a smooth-talking salesman persuaded the majority of inhabitants to install solar panels.

Over in the US, the wise residents of Woodland, North Carolina recently banned solar panels for this very reason, arguing that their proliferation would suck all the energy out of the sun and bring the world into constant night.

Unfortunately for the simple people of Harold, this simple scientific principle is not widely-understood in the UK, leading to a nightmare scenario where nothing grows and vampires stalk the streets.

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Filed under News, science, Weather

Jeremy Corbyn launches singing career with sure-fire Christmas hit

So sweet

So sweet

Jeremy Corbyn has hit the music scene with what critics say will be this year’s Christmas Number One.

A fabulous video now out of the kindly pensioner singing Happy Birthday Dear Katie has taken the UK by storm.

Harold media analyst Dr Lizzie Phillips says ‘out-of-tune’ is the new black.  “He’s very popular.  I’d definitely put a fiver on him winning X-factor.”

The video was tastefully shot in Cockermouth, showing Jeremy and Katie hugging in the cold air, surrounded by festive sand-bags.

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Filed under Christmas, Entertainment, floods, Labour, Movies, music, Tory sex scandal, Vicars, Weather

Tired Cameron calls for vote to change Syria’s climate.

"You don't need a weatherman..."

“You don’t need a weatherman…”

David Cameron could be getting in a muddle as he flits back and forth between the Climate Change Conference in Paris and earnest war-mongering efforts in London.

Fears that he is over-stretching his mind were not allayed on Monday night when he called for a Commons vote to change the Syrian climate.

“The problem is, he’s got his head in too many places at the same time,” said one commentator.

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Filed under bombs, environment, Europe, floods, ice, International News, Labour, Nature, Politics, War, Weather

Relief as migrants start heading south for the winter.

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Who do you think you’re kidding?

European leaders have expressed their relief as hundreds of thousands of foreign migrants began the long trip south to their winter asylum seeking quarters. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, charity, Civil rights, Europe, News, Save The Children, Society, Travel, War, Weather

Dave wins right to show BBC weather repeats

weatherman

Here’s some weather you might have missed.

The BBC’s extensive archive of weather reports has been bought by a channel for people with head injuries.

Dave, which repeats everything from topical news quizzes to old episodes of Crimewatch, can now exclusively show the BBC’s best guesses at what the weather was like a few years ago.

Making a welcome return to our screens will be John Kettley, Michael Fish, and the one with eyes like a horse’s before he had a beard.

The move is expected to be popular with people planning last year’s holiday.
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Filed under Entertainment, Weather

Get your tits in for the girls: shirtless men ordered to stop wandering streets

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Shirtless blokes, this is not what you look like

The village council has passed a new law ordering men to cover-up when mooching around during the heatwave on account of no one wanting to be confronted by shirtless horror while innocently trying to do a little shopping.

“The High Street isn’t the beach,” said Mayor Rufus D. Jackson. “And the garden of the Squirrel Lickers is not the gym. Villagers have the right to be about their business without having moobs, scrawn, fur, horrible tattoos, spots, and distressing combinations of all five shoved in their faces with all the force and grotesqueness of Katie Hopkins’ opinion on migrants crossing the Med.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Weather

Thousand of idiots waiting beach-side, for huge ‘Darwin’ tide

manonbeachstorm

Andy heads off for a two dozen ’99’ Ice Cream cones, with extra grit

Hordes of dolts with limited imagination have been gathering along the beaches of south west England, hoping to see ‘the high tide of the century’.

“We can hardly wait” enthused popular Harold Curate Andy, pegging his windbreak with pebbles “I’ve heard it could be as high as a four-storey house. What’s that in metric then, about two feet? I can’t see anything going wrong but as I’ve brought the Sunday School class, I’ll allow three for safety.”

Andy explained that, by a stroke of bad luck, he’d just missed out on the Indonesian Tsunami. He’d been back-packing in the area only a month earlier, so he’s determined not miss out on some big-surf-wave action closer to home.

“The man on the TV said we should take precautions to ensure we stay safe and don’t put the emergency services at risk” said Andy “That’s why we’re wearing our b.o.g.o.f Eclipse Glasses.”

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Filed under environment, floods, idiots, News, Weather

BBC news: ITV weatherman committed sex offences before he worked for ITV

fredtalbot

An ITV weather forecaster on ITV

BBC news update latest:

Fred Talbot, the former ITV weatherman, has been convicted of historic sex offences, committed when he was a teacher, some time before he worked for ITV as an ITV weatherman. For ITV. Not the BBC.

ITV has yet to comment on the conviction of predatory sex offender Fred something-or-other, who worked  for ITV on the popular ITV morning show  ‘This Morning’ aired daily on ITV at a time when young children might have been watching ITV unsupervised.

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Filed under breaking news, Crime, Weather

Continual weather warnings blamed as motorway drivers abandon cars despite perfect conditions

Blizzard conditions on the M1 near Harold

Blizzard conditions on the M1 near Harold

Despite perfect driving conditions, there was traffic chaos yesterday when motorists abandoned their cars on motorways following the umpteenth severe weather forecast this week.

Police struggled to keep traffic moving as one by one, drivers pulled onto the hard shoulder and started making their way on foot along the motorways towards the dubious sanctuary of service stations carrying spades and thermos flasks, anxiously looking at the sky.

Eventually most of the motorway network of the South of England was closed.

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Filed under Transport, Travel, Weather

Heat rises, so sit on someone tall: 20 top tips for winter survival

sun

Why hast thou forsaken us?

  1. Don’t wear a condom inside, or you won’t feel the benefit when you go out.

  2. Wear an extra pair of socks over your arms.

  3. Alcohol doesn’t make you warmer you just think it does. But isn’t that enough?

  4. In an emergency survival situation you can coat your body with your own faeces. This will stop your neighbours coming round and opening your front door and letting all the heat out. Continue reading

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Filed under Weather

Frosty reception for Saudi snowmen.

Saudi cleric Sheikh Mohammed Saleh al-Munajjid has issued a ban on the building of snowmen in the north of the country following the appearance overnight of a 3 foot tall icy effigy of the Prophet Mohammed.


In a statement the cleric declared that to m
ake statues in the form of any human was sinful, but to make one that looks a bit like how they imagine someone who lived 1400 odd years ago but of whom, not surprisingly, no pictures exist in a medium that doesn’t really lend itself to accurate depictions of facial features; particularly eye colour, skin tone and general beard scraggliness; was not only highly blasphemous, but also quite silly.

Snowhere to hide

Photo for satirical purposes only. Any resemblance to religious figures living or dead is purely coincidental.



Saudi riot police were despatched to the area where they set about smashing up, shooting and beheading all the offending snow demons and arresting groups of small children armed with an array of deadly bobble hats, scarves and woolly mittens.

Police eventually managed to restore order by arresting the ringleader, a jolly happy soul with a corn cob pipe and a button nose and two eyes made out of coal following a brief shootout at the offices of a French Santarist magazine.

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Filed under Badgers, Christmas, ice, Law and Order, Police, Religion, Uncategorized, War, Weather