Tag Archives: winter

Heat rises, so sit on someone tall: 20 top tips for winter survival


Why hast thou forsaken us?

  1. Don’t wear a condom inside, or you won’t feel the benefit when you go out.

  2. Wear an extra pair of socks over your arms.

  3. Alcohol doesn’t make you warmer you just think it does. But isn’t that enough?

  4. In an emergency survival situation you can coat your body with your own faeces. This will stop your neighbours coming round and opening your front door and letting all the heat out. Continue reading

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UK braced for 72hrs of reporters excitedly saying ‘weather bomb’


#cloudporn: the intense kind that most definitely needs a safety word

A severe bullshit warning has been issued for the UK as the media chucks a whalloping mungo over the weather bomb. Members of the public are advised to not put their brains at risk by exposing themselves to too much sensationalist hype featuring over-excited media jackals dropping the phrase ‘weather bomb’ repeatedly and with a palpable erotic charge.

As severe storms lash down on us with more fury than that which Iain Duncan Smith has towards those in need, the news will constantly show images of arseholes seemingly desperate to de-select themselves from the gene pool by standing on the most exposed coastal walls possible, and the railway track in Dawlish deciding that the land just wasn’t cutting it and opting to become part of the ocean kingdom once more.

Readers should also be aware that the coming days offer a massively increased chance of seeing David Cameron in wellingtons and a fleece doing ‘concern face’ at flood victims. Plus people who don’t have a sense of humour proving it by quipping “The weather bomb’s hit – insert name of local despised town – and done £10 million of improvements!”

The weather bomb is predicted to be at its most powerful in Scotland though only time will tell if it can succeed where Alex Salmond failed and cut it off from England.

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Long range weather forecaster predicts flurry of publicity/apocalypse

Even Geordies will need a coat

Even Geordies will need a coat

A long range weather forecaster working for a service that most of the population have never heard of has predicted a flurry of publicity for him and his company, after forecasting that the upcoming winter will be “worse than the last ice age”.

James Madden, of Exacta Weather, has a proud track record of accurately predicting the weather before it happens. Just last week, after several days of solid rain, he forecasted that it would “probably rain again tomorrow” and was then proved to be 100% correct the next day. It is this incredible accuracy that has sparked a panic among many people. Continue reading

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Jeremy Hunt focuses on ‘positive side’ of cold weather deaths


Hunt: ‘swift action required’ to maximise potential of holiday let market

With winter fast approaching, Public Health England has published its Cold Weather Plan for people who have forgotten what a winter is or are too poor to do anything about it.

There are on average 24,000 excess winter deaths, many of which might be worth preventing. It’s a situation which Health Secretary Jeremy ‘Hunt’ described as ‘completely unacceptable’, ‘someone else’s fault’ and ‘a welcome boost to the housing market’.

The Plan aims to alert people to the surprising fact that cold weather in England is, on the whole, not very warm and as in previous years the Met Office will trigger cold weather alerts at five levels:
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Filed under Economy, Nature, News