A long range weather forecaster working for a service that most of the population have never heard of has predicted a flurry of publicity for him and his company, after forecasting that the upcoming winter will be “worse than the last ice age”.
James Madden, of Exacta Weather, has a proud track record of accurately predicting the weather before it happens. Just last week, after several days of solid rain, he forecasted that it would “probably rain again tomorrow” and was then proved to be 100% correct the next day. It is this incredible accuracy that has sparked a panic among many people.
“My previous forecasts and results speak for themselves and I am very confident in my predictions for the level of publicity that this latest forecast will bring me.” said Madden, “What everybody needs to do is stay calm, visit my website every single day, click on some of the adverts that are on there, and prepare themselves for the worst winter since the dinosaurs walked the earth.”
Madden is forecasting icy blizzards to begin as early as next week with the entire UK transport network grinding to a halt shortly afterwards, snow drifts up to one hundred feet deep and temperatures set to plummet to minus fifty.
“Roads will be completely impassable so there is no point even bothering to dig your car out and there will be no public transport. If you have the ability to work from home then I wouldn’t bother with that either as all communication services will inevitably go down too. Gritting the roads before the weather that we are going to see will be about as effective as spitting at the sun.”
“We are looking at a total breakdown of society. Travel will become impossible, supermarkets will run out of food and packs of wolves and polar bears will roam the frozen tundra where towns and cities once stood, hunting anybody brave enough to leave their home.”
“Until about March, when it will all melt and we’ll return to normal, with a slight north easterly breeze and a bit of drizzle.”