Category Archives: Religion
Cardinal Pell, until very recently the third most important Catholic in the world, was found guilty of raping underage boys and has been sent to prison. Despite this, many important figures on the fringes of the Catholic community are refusing to criticise him, and in some cases are even refusing to believe that what he did was wrong.
Former Australian Prime Minister John Howard insisted that Pell is “a person of both high intelligence and exemplary character” and maintained that his conviction on child sexual abuse charges doesn’t “alter my opinion of the Cardinal”.
The fact that a former Prime Minister of Australia would insist that child rape is OK as long as it is done by a Catholic just shows how hopelessly radicalised many once respected figures have now become.
Gordon Renfield of Essex Road, Islington, an atheist who leans if anything towards the Jedi persuasion, said he couldn’t understand why Catholics refused to condemn people like Pell. “I know it might just be a few bad apples,” he explained today, “And no-one is saying that ALL Catholics are up to this sort of thing, but can anyone tell me why they can’t just stand up and say that people like this are evil?”
“I’m not denominationalist, but it does rather make me tar them all with the same brush, I’m afraid to say.”
The Pope, meanwhile, refused to comment on Pell’s conviction until an appeal is heard. Just to play that back – the leader of the Catholic church is giving his deputy the benefit of the doubt after a conviction for child molestation.
“I tell you,” insisted Renfield, “I swear they’re all as bad as each other.”
UK citizens are being advised to stay indoors and not touch anything on Friday 13 July when President Trump visits the Kingdom.
“Bad Luck and Weird Coincidences are happening all the time,” explained super-meta-physicist Milton Keynes, “but compound that with the Friday the 13th phenomenon and a visit from a madman, then we could all be in big, big trouble.”
“My advice is, stay indoors lock everything and keep still. Above all, do not walk under any ladders or attempt to straighten the hall mirror. Or watch the news.”
Church leaders and soothsayers are urging Mrs May to Continue reading
Archbishop John Sentamu has modestly played down the role of his dog collar in the downfall of Robert Mugabe.
Sentamu refused to wear a dog collar for almost a decade, in protest against the Zimbabwean President remaining in post.
“It was tough at times.” admitted Sentamu on the Andrew Marr show. “Times when I wondered if it was worth the pain and wanted to give up. Somehow my collar convinced me Continue reading
The American church of Saint Tom the Martyr in Tennessee is taking legal action against the enormous Kraft Heinz Company after belatedly realising that the food manufacturer had stolen its logo for the last 140 years and used it on a sauce bottle.
The famous emblem of the church (pictured) shows a stylised version of the cross in green, representing rebirth, against a red background, clearly meant to show the blood of the saviour.
The two red dots represent either the wounds made by the nails which held Jesus to the cross, or a pair of ripe tomatoes, depending on the interpretation.
The logo was a favourite design of pilgrims hundreds of years ago, and has been on display outside the church since 1875.
It was apparently only months later that food entrepreneur Henry Heinz spotted it and realised in a flash that he should add a tomato sauce to his portfolio.
“I saw the ‘catch-up’ line and it rang a bell, somehow,” he explained in his memoir I Copied The Ketchup Logo Off A Church Sign.
“The I saw the ‘lettuce’ and ‘relish’ lines, and that just clicked somehow.”
“But I still had no idea what flavour to make the relish until I read the last line – ‘Cuz He loves me from my head to-ma-toes’ – then it hit me, of course!”
“And after a year of making revolting head flavour relish, I thought I might as well try tomatoes instead. And there we are.”
As the matter is now in the hands of the lawyers, there was no comment from the church leader, the enigmatic Pastor Mayonnaise.
Jennifer Lawrence’s embarrassing Hawaii ‘butt-scratching’ incident has finished with a happy ending after the actress received a five-digit approach from the makers of “Anusol” to be the new face of their rectal itching remedy.
A spokesperson for chemical giant Pfizer thanked Lawrence for raising awareness of this delicate condition, explaining that it is not uncommon for sufferers to face vilification, abuse or even backstabbing.
“We sufferers of anal discomfort do not choose when we need to scratch, and society frowns if we simply put our hand up and admit it.”
“Very often there is nothing else to hand but a sacred monument of some kind, and it’s a case of ‘needs must’.”
A spokesman said the new condoms offered a unique blend of security, sensation and spiritual guidance, and were available in ‘Trinity-sized’ packs of three from machines inside every confessional booth.
For extra protection, each deluxe latex prophylactic comes pre-blessed with a Hail Mary.
“People may be surprised to see the Vatican embracing condom use,” explained official spokesman Reverend Father Federico “Johnny” Lombardi.
“But sex has become very much part ot the Catholic brand. We’d be crazy not to cash in, if only to raise some money for all the lawsuits we’re facing.”
“We think our branding has the rugged but sensual feel so common in the priesthood these days. We’ve listened to the people, done our research, and the people have told us that when you say ‘priest’, they think ‘bull’.”
Despite the massive marketing push, initial sales have disappointingly slow, according to the first sales figures.
The Vatican admitted this was confusing, asking “What in heaven could be putting people off using holy condoms?”
* thanks to Gareth Child – he knows why…
Roman Catholics are reeling this morning, after revelations that a well-known Polish Pope’s bestie was what the Vatican is describing simply as ‘a woman’.
“No cock, no balls either.” agreed Vatican chief press officer, Federico Lombardi, who admitted he was baffled by the concept of friendship between two people of different genders.
“Nothing down there at all, as far, as we could tell, so obviously there was no sexual activity.”
“In any event, she was an adult, so we’re really struggling to find a motivation for the two liking each other”
The Headteacher who insisted that evolution wasn’t real has given further proof of her intellectual ability by announcing that the planet Earth moves through space on the back of a giant tortoise.
Christina Blinkerson, head of a primary school in Lancashire, claimed on Twitter that evolution was just “a theory”.
Wilkinson spouted: “Evolution is not a fact. That’s why it’s called a theory! There’s more evidence that the Bible is true. I’ve read it in a book.”
As if this were not enough to disqualify her from ever being allowed to speak to schoolchildren again, she followed up by expanding on her beliefs of something she called the “Great Tortoise”, which she had read in her other book.
“It’s true!” she spluttered over social media. “A huge tortoise, carrying the Earth through the heavens! And there’s something about elephants, but I can’t remember that bit.”
Clergy in Harold have been advised to grow beards to emphasise their commitment to hipsters, the Bishop of London has suggested.
Rt Reverend Richard Chartres said that Harold risks falling behind areas like Shoreditch, where bushy beards, lumberjack cassocks and artisanal breads at communion have helped Continue reading
The news that a local council in Essex is proposing to charge old people £26 to come round and pick them up after a fall is the final proof that mankind has now left the physical plane and entered hell, according to experts.
Scientists and theologians have been convinced for years that the much-prophesied end of the world actually happened last year without us realising it we are now all inhabiting the pits of hell.
The problem with this theory is that it has been very hard to prove, especially as things weren’t exactly great before.
Now, however, Tendring local council in Essex have decided to charge pensioners who are already paying for care an extra £26 if they fall over, and this is the clearest sign anyone could want that humans are now living a miserable cursed existence in the pits of hades.
A spokesperson for Tendring council confirmed that this was indeed the case, saying: “We have a responsibility to balance funding for all non-essential projects, and exist only to serve our Lord Satan, the great evil master.”
Most people were of the opinion that the Hell thing was no excuse for Tendring council’s behaviour.
“We might be consigned to Hades, being tormented for eternity by all his demons,” complained one, “But you’d still expect better standards than this.”
Others were generally relieved to have life’s great mystery explained to them. “We might all be in Hell now,” pointed out one of the damned, “But at least I finally feel like I understand the Daily Mail.”
Shaker Aamerhas has told extremists to “get the hell out” of the UK and denounced Islamist attacks, but Britain First dismissed this as ‘bollocks’, calling for him to swear loyalty to the Queen, the United Kingdom and the Church of England.
Aamer had been held in captivity for 14 years, in the US government’s fight against people who, if given half a chance, would strip US citizens of their right to a fair trial.
The myth that Christianity is a peace-loving gentle religion was shattered today after moderate Christians the world over pointedly failed to condemn extreme Christian terrorists who shamefully massacred several people in Colorado.
Instead of sending out a strong message to the faithful, Christian community leaders chose to implicitly support the Colorado massacre by their refusal to denounce it.
One Christian leader, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, head of the murky “Church of England”, claimed she was too busy ruling her people to comment, but it was “nothing to do with one”. Continue reading
Following the news that cinemas have banned a new advertisement for the Lord’s Prayer, Lucasfilm has has said it is “disappointed and bewildered” by the refusal of UK churches to screen the new Star Wars film.
Director J. J. Abrams called the decision “plain silly” and warned it could have a “chilling” effect on his pay check.
“In what is thankfully still a Star Wars-worshipping country, it seems perverse not to allow churchgoers to enjoy the movie during their spare time at the pew,” he insisted. “We’d turn the volume down a bit while the vicar was actually talking, so it wouldn’t get in the way at all.”
It had been hoped the film would be screened UK-wide in the middle of Christmas services, instead of the boring bit where they usually have kids holding candles and singing, but in a statement, the Church of England said it had a policy of not showing Star Wars movies in its places of worship.
“Not because of any risk of offending people,” a spokesperson explained, “It’s just that the last three were bollocks.”
Star Wars fans immediately condemned the decision, many pointing out that this year’s traditional all-night Easter Vigil at Westminster Abbey included a triple-header of all three Hobbit films, even though the last one was a bit crap.
Reports that this was because the Archbishop of Canterbury likes to take the robes home and play at being Gandalf could not be confirmed.
As social media continues to be dominated by varying opinions on religion many of which only make readers wonder if the person posting them ever even went to school, it has emerged that those now calling for all religion to be banned or dismissing it out of hand as childish nonsense are still expecting lots of lovely gifts on 25th December.
“When I tweeted that religion is more harmful to humans than arsenic and should be treated accordingly I wasn’t talking about Christmas,” said village keyboard warrior Ros Shaw. “I love Christmas! I mean I totally believe that no religion has ever done anything good and that they’re all death cults which only appeal to the feeble minded but I’m so looking forward to putting up the deccies and having a really good time. I love the carols best, O Little Town of Bethlehem always gives me the shivers. It’s so beautiful.” Continue reading
Following the news that homeopathic ‘treatments’ may be added to the list of ineffective things that doctors are not allowed to prescribe, fans of the sugar pills with nothing else in them have started to realise that the technique may be ‘bollocks’, it emerged today.
The controversial practice is based on the concept that easily-led people are likely to pay for anything which sounds cosmic, but the most ardent adherents are now noticing that even after much expense, they still seem to have hayfever, cancer or the clap. Continue reading
Harold’s team of dedicated theology students leapt in to action at the weekend on hearing that the Holy Ghost had been seen in the mud of the River Hamble.
Unfortunately, they were disappointed to discover nothing more than the wreck of an ancient war ship, rather than the third member of the Godhead.
A prayer room in Harold has undergone a 350 metric tonne refit, to make it more suitable for pagans.
The 6-ft by 8-ft room now features a full-scale druidic stone circle, complete with a folding cairn, to accomodate Picts.
Nigel Thorvald welcomed the move, despite the eye-watering cost. “One shouldn’t put a price on appeasing Our Goddess”, he insisted.
Other workers have complained that the ‘impossibly cramped’ prayer room is now unsuitable for their interests. The sheer volume of beef waste has been a sticking point for some.
From Allah to Zeus, from Acan to Zinsi, religious types like to name their gods. Except Christians! ‘Blessed be thy name’ goes their favourite prayer, but what is it? Well now their prayers will be answered, as this summer sees the launch of an international campaign to give the world’s favourite omnipotent being a name.
Arnold Delaney revealed that last Thursday had been like any other day, although he had eaten two eggs for breakfast.
“I’d also consumed a second cup of coffee”, said Delaney. “And that’s when my true calling was revealed unto myself, Lord-ways.”
With one day left until Ramadan workshy villagers are preparing to embrace the idea of fasting for a month during daylight hours in the belief it will give them a brilliant excuse for being rubbish at work.
“I’m not a Muslim,” healthcare assistant Daphne Newton said. “But can you imagine not eating or drinking for up to nineteen hours a day? I reckon I’d be quite cranky and non-productive so I thought I’d slack off for the next thirty days. Then if the boss has a go I’ll say it’s Ramadan and all cultural and she’ll leave me alone.” Continue reading