Tag Archives: pope

Vatican launches ‘Papal Bull’ condom range

papalbullAfter the Pope’s softening of opposition to contraception, the newly-created Vatican Rubber Company has rushed out a new range of condoms for the discerning Catholic – “Papal Bulls’.

A spokesman said the new condoms offered a unique blend of security, sensation and spiritual guidance, and were available in ‘Trinity-sized’ packs of three from machines inside every confessional booth.

For extra protection, each deluxe latex prophylactic comes pre-blessed with a Hail Mary.

“People may be surprised to see the Vatican embracing condom use,” explained official spokesman Reverend Father Federico “Johnny” Lombardi.

“But sex has become very much part ot the Catholic brand. We’d be crazy not to cash in, if only to raise some money for all the lawsuits we’re facing.”

“We think our branding has the rugged but sensual feel so common in the priesthood these days. We’ve listened to the people, done our research, and the people have told us that when you say ‘priest’, they think ‘bull’.”

Despite the massive marketing push, initial sales have disappointingly slow, according to the first sales figures.

The Vatican admitted this was confusing, asking “What in heaven could be putting people off using holy condoms?”

* thanks to Gareth Child – he knows why…

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Filed under News, Religion, Sex

‘Moderate’ Christians everywhere urged to condemn Planned Parenthood terrorist


“Let’s hush this up, Queenie baby!”

The myth that Christianity is a peace-loving gentle religion was shattered today after moderate Christians the world over pointedly failed to condemn extreme Christian terrorists who shamefully massacred several people in Colorado.

Instead of sending out a strong message to the faithful, Christian community leaders chose to implicitly support the Colorado massacre by their refusal to denounce it.

One Christian leader, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, head of the murky “Church of England”, claimed she was too busy ruling her people to comment, but it was “nothing to do with one”. Continue reading

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Filed under Religion, Royals, War

‘You stop doing evil first’ mafia tell Catholic Church


Hitting back at comments from Pope Francis that they must ‘stop doing evil’ if they wish to avoid hell, mafia bosses have said they will stop ‘if the Catholic Church stops first’.

Warning the criminal organisation with such phrases as ‘blood-stained money, blood-stained power, you can’t take it all with you, even if you are a nice Pope’, mafia bosses say they would be willing to give up any criminal tendencies they may have, as long as the Church took the lead.

“We are not saying one crime is any worse than another,” one don explained, “but we are sure as well as hating torture and murder, God isn’t that keen on paedophilia and widespread corruption either.

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Filed under Crime, Culture, News, Religion

Pope and ex-Pope ‘will perform breakfast sketch from Morecambe and Wise’


What do you think of it so far?

Following ex-Pope Benedict’s decision to move into the Vatican along with Pope Francis, there were fears among Papal advisors that the unprecedented situation might lead to some ecumenical friction between the two holy men.

In a surprise to everyone, however, the Pope and ex-Pope have revealed that far from being discomfited by the living arrangements, they have actually embraced the celibate buddies idea so much that they have started performing old comedy double-acts, and intend to build up to a big break with tradition by swapping this year’s Christmas blessing for a revival of Morecambe and Wise’s famous “Breakfast” routine to the tune of “The Stripper”.

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