Tag Archives: Humour

Samsung recalls non-exploding hand grenades


The new Samsung Note 7 phone, shortly before recall

Samsung’s military equipment division has announced an emergency recall of its latest SG-7 model hand grenade after users reported that the devices failed to explode under normal operating conditions.

After reports of phones and washing machines bursting into flames, the hand grenades are believed to be the only current Samsung product which does not explode. Users have reported holding the grenades in their hands without incurring severe burns, and no enemy soldiers have been killed by exploding shrapnel.

An English mercenary fighting in an unnamed African country expressed his disappointment that the new product failed unexpectedly.

“I was taking part in a coup against a democratically-elected President,” he explained, “When I lobbed a new Samsung grenade into a machine gun emplacement guarding the government buildings. Imagine my surprise when it suddenly didn’t explode. It just bounced off the guy’s head and rolled into the gutter – I felt a right idiot.”

“Luckily the detachable stylus came loose and speared him through the eye, causing instant death. I always wondered what it was for.”

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Serena Williams drug test reveals lovely glossy coat and cold nose


She’s got Pedigree, chum.

Serena Williams is under investigation from sporting anti-doping agencies after a random check at the Italian Open.

Williams, who confessed to ‘inadvertently’ consuming dog food before the match, was found by medical staff to have a lovely glossy coat and cold nose after reaching the last eight of the Italian Open.

The world number one tried “a spoonful” of food meant for her dog, Chip, before beating fellow American Christina McHale in straight sets in Rome.

It is believed that doping experts were made suspicious by her uncharacteristically athletic performance in leaping at the net and catching the ball in her mouth, combined with her unusual end-change ritual of cocking her leg and urinating against the umpire’s chair.

Her opponent declined to make an official complaint, but seemed distracted by Williams’ tactic of constantly running round to her side of the court and sniffing her arse.

A spokesperson for the player denied that any performance advantage had resulted from the dog food, saying: “Serena has always been an honest player, not a cheat.”

“She’s a good girl. Who’s a good girl then? Yes you are, yes you are!”

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Filed under News, Pets, Sport

Nation braces itself for pretending to like Shakespeare



On the 400th anniversary of William Shakespeare’s death, the country is grimly preparing for the inevitable bout of having to pretend they have understood, liked or read any of his plays.

Shakespeare is widely regarded as the greatest writer in the English language, and most people are perfectly happy to accept this fact without having to prove it for themselves.

Every hundred years, unfortunately, the anniversary of the bard’s death comes around, forcing the population to endure an endless barrage of dramatic culture, just when Game of Thrones is starting back up again.

Among the wall-to-wall culture, a live extravaganza is planned from the Royal Shakespeare Theatre, featuring the likes of David Tennant, Judi Dench and Bill Oddie.

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Filed under Culture, TV

EastEnders fans shocked at controversial farming storyline

eastenders yokels

Impressive attention to detail

EastEnders fans were in shock today after a controversial storyline involving arable farming and animal husbandry came to a shattering conclusion involving dairy cattle and chemical fertilisers.

Viewers have watched in recent weeks enthralled by the programme’s gradual spiral into the world of agriculture, but few predicted how deep into a realistic depiction of farming practices the series would go.

Sunday night’s omnibus edition featured what is believed to be the first examination of bovine artificial insemination ever seen on the programme, and raised more than £80,000 for the harvest festival.

Some viewers were less enthusiastic about the new direction, however.

“If I’d wanted to learn about bloody crop rotation I’d have put on the Archers,” insisted Evening Harold media correspondent Piers Waghorn. “Drugs, violence, sex – that’s what we want, not sodding bull semen. I can get that at home.”

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Filed under Farming, TV

Schools urged to end Human Cannonball lessons

Sadly missed…

Following a plea from doctors to ban tackling in school rugby on safety grounds, a group of academics has also called on the government to stop children’s human cannonball lessons.

The pastime, which has a near 100% fatality rate, is very popular among some parents and teachers, who say it builds character and is the only way of getting rid of the little bastards.

Rules vary across different parts of the country, but participants are generally loaded into a large cannon and fired at a tiny net some way away. Ofsted have complained that many schools are missing their targets.

Doctors warn that ‘high-impact’ activities like this can cause injuries including fractures, ligamentous tears and dislocated shoulders, although the main cause of death is usually simple ‘flattening’.

Johnny Angry, a PE teacher and father of nine at St Foolhardy’s School for Boys in the village of Harold – where human cannonball is compulsory from the age of 11 – says it provides a challenge.

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Filed under Children, News, Sport

Sad irony as DiCaprio eaten by bear

Exit stage left...

Exit stage left…

In what is already being called one of the biggest shocks of this year’s Oscars, actor Leonardo DiCaprio, fresh from finally winning ‘best actor’, has been tragically eaten by a bear as he returned home.

It is a cruel irony that DiCaprio should meet this fate immediately after ending his long wait for the award, especially as bear attacks are so rare in modern Los Angeles. It is possible that the actor might have disregarded recent police reminders not to step on the cracks in the pavement.

Some critics have pointed out that it is actually pretty amusing that this should happen after the beary subject matter of his recent movie, while others have merely suggested that the hungry bear was a film lover.

“It wasn’t even the one from the movie,” lamented DiCaprio’s manager. “That I could understand, but this was just some bear, you know?”

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Filed under Movies, Nature, Showbusiness

Embarrassment as San Bernardino iPhone passcode turns out to be ‘0000’

So how do we open it? Is there a little key?

After attempting to put millions of people at risk by forcing Apple to undermine security on its phones, the FBI was left red-faced today after it emerged that the passcode on the suspect iPhone was actually just ‘0000’.

The FBI had started the lengthy process of obliging Apple to produce a new version of its operating system, which was expected to lead to years of legal challenges. Had Apple lost, the cost of making the change, along with the resultant loss of consumer confidence, could have led to collapse of the company, prompting a nation-wide recession and eventual slide into global disaster.

Anti-virus guru John McAfee offered to crack the phone for nothing, but after his offer was politely declined he annoyed everyone by popping up every two hours asking if they were sure they didn’t want it.

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Filed under Civil rights, News, Technology

Never mind all that, there’s a guy called ‘Tokyo Sexwale’!


Tokyo Sexwale (artist’s impression)

Citizens of the world should ignore their insignificant troubles and rejoice in the fact that there is a man in South Africa called ‘Tokyo Sexwale’, the Evening Harold has learned.

Tokyo Sexwale, the man with the best name in the universe, is the South African candidate in the upcoming FIFA presidential elections.

In case this hasn’t fully sunken in, his name is TOKYO SEXWALE.


Tokyo is a mining tycoon and former anti-apartheid campaigner, but these things which would usually be interesting fade into the background next to the fact that his name is ‘Sexwale’.

“His parents, Mr and Mrs Sexwale, are to be greatly applauded for resisting the temptation to name him ‘Brian’,” explained Evening Harold sporting editor Piers Waghorn. “We can only assume they had been reading a lot of Douglas Adams, and the only surprise is that Tokyo’s middle name isn’t ‘Vroomfondel’.”

Charitable people have suggested that the ‘Tokyo’ is merely an attempt by the parents to distract people who meet their son from noticing his surname, but this theory fails to account for the frankly massive cojones of the Sexwales, who clearly didn’t give a damn what anyone thought.

FIFA voters have admitted that they aren’t actually all that bothered about the corruption thing any more, provided they can have a ‘Tokyo Sexwale’ T-shirt.

Realising too late that an outrageous name was a sure way to be voted FIFA president, one of the other candidates has decided to be called “Jerome Champagne”, but this potentially interesting name is nothing when placed alongside the mighty Tokyo Vroonfondel Sexwale.


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Filed under Sex, Sport

BBC ‘could not have foreseen Child Catcher would catch children’


Now then young man you see oh fuck it I’m a disgusting paedophile

An independent report into the infamous Child Catcher has concluded that there was no possible way that anyone could have realised that a man with a huge net and bag of sweeties was trying to catch children.

Following years of complaints that local children had been caught and disposed of, the Vulgarian Television Corporation finally announced an inquiry into the seedy doings of one of the country’s most-loved blatant nonces.

“We were as amazed as anyone that this leering, salivating figure with the huge child-shaped net and the dildo cigar could be in any way a danger to children,” explained  Rona Bomburst, the Chairperson of the Vulgarian Television Trust.

“Despite the fact that the Kingdom of Vulgaria has been mysteriously bereft of children for at least fifty years, it never occurred to us that anything was a problem.”

The Vulgarian Television Corporation has pledged to establish a robust series of checks to prevent this sort of thing from ever happening again, and to prove its seriousness has appointed a new audit function headed up by none other than celebrated popular artist Rolf Harris.

“Can you tell what it is yet?” Asked a spokesman. “It’s a fucking whitewash, that’s what it is.”


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Filed under News, Showbusiness

Vatican launches ‘Papal Bull’ condom range

papalbullAfter the Pope’s softening of opposition to contraception, the newly-created Vatican Rubber Company has rushed out a new range of condoms for the discerning Catholic – “Papal Bulls’.

A spokesman said the new condoms offered a unique blend of security, sensation and spiritual guidance, and were available in ‘Trinity-sized’ packs of three from machines inside every confessional booth.

For extra protection, each deluxe latex prophylactic comes pre-blessed with a Hail Mary.

“People may be surprised to see the Vatican embracing condom use,” explained official spokesman Reverend Father Federico “Johnny” Lombardi.

“But sex has become very much part ot the Catholic brand. We’d be crazy not to cash in, if only to raise some money for all the lawsuits we’re facing.”

“We think our branding has the rugged but sensual feel so common in the priesthood these days. We’ve listened to the people, done our research, and the people have told us that when you say ‘priest’, they think ‘bull’.”

Despite the massive marketing push, initial sales have disappointingly slow, according to the first sales figures.

The Vatican admitted this was confusing, asking “What in heaven could be putting people off using holy condoms?”

* thanks to Gareth Child – he knows why…

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Filed under News, Religion, Sex

Man killed by 100-ft cheese badger was ‘living the dream’


Living the dream…

Albert Renfew, who died last night after being chased and eaten to death by an enormous badger made of cheese, was ‘living the dream’, friends have confirmed.

Renfrew, who possessed the unusual ability of having his dreams manifest as physical objects, was killed by the grotesque cheesy mammal in front of screaming shoppers in the High Street of the English village of Harold.

Sadly, Renfrew had long been plagued with bizarre, violent dreams involving dairy-mutated animal aggression.

“We were always telling Albert that it’s so important to make your dreams come true,” explained one friend today, “But we had no idea his dreams were so horrible.”

Authorities have pointed out that living the dream is still perfectly safe for most people, and have reassured the public that anyone who does not typically dream about huge slavering cheddar animals should be perfectly safe.

“For most of us,” explained an expert, “Dreams are associated with fame, vast wealth and the lumpy bits on the front of women. I know mine are.”

“Giant violent cheese badgers, on the other hand, are the sort of dream which should be lived under no circumstances.”

“We would advise anyone experiencing these sort of dreams to tread Caerphilly.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Health

Twitter quits Stephen Fry

stephen fry twitter

“Where’s it gone?”

Following recent controversies, tech giant Twitter has announced it is leaving Stephen Fry with immediate effect.

This is not the first time that Twitter has left Fry, but media observers believe this time may be no idle threat.

“Stephen Fry used be exciting,” said a spokeperson for the company. “But lately he’s just not fun any more. Too full of abuse and bad jokes.”
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Filed under Showbusiness, Social media

Real news site unable to resist ‘Missing leopard spotted’ headline


Wait, leotard??

Following the news that the leopard which has terrorised Indian schools has gone missing, popular real newspaper the Evening Harold was today unable to resist the headline: “Missing leopard spotted”.

Reaction to the frankly terrible headline was swift, with many readers protesting by burning their copies of the newspaper. Many bought extra copies just to burn them, leading to the highest circulation ever seen.

Readers of the online edition of the Harold were quick to burn their laptops, and Stephen Fry quit Twitter, as usual.

A spokesman for the Harold tried to insist the whole affair was a simple mistake, claiming that the headline had meant to refer to a missing leotard.

No-one believed him, but everyone stopped protesting and went off to think about leotards for a bit.

A representative of former Star Trek actor Leonard Nimoy had no comment to make, other than noting that his client died last year and he expected better of us.

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Filed under Education, Nature, News, Travel

Anger as French Academy bans onions, stripy jumpers and public urination


Angry French protesters, yesterday

The French Academy, guardian of all things cultural in France, has provoked a huge wave of protests throughout the country after announcing that outrageous French stereotypes will be banned.

For hundreds of years, non-French people have struggled with the problem of when to ride on an old-fashioned bicycle festooned with onions, and when to smoke an insouciant cigarette in a pavement café discussing experimental cinema, and the Academy has decided that modernisation is unavoidable.

“For zee last few ‘undred years, we ‘ave been, ‘ow you say, reediculed by zee Eenglish for zee vary French way we do zee theengs,” explained a spokeshomme from the Academy.

“In fact, we don’t even realise we’re doing it. I was putting on a silly accent right there, just through force of habit. Buggeure.”

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Jennifer Aniston to present Pot Black

It’s like you’re always stuck behind the brown…

Following the news that former Friends star Matt LeBlanc is to join the Top Gear team, the BBC has announced another coup by signing Jennifer Aniston to present late-night snooker show Pot Black.

“Jennifer is a lifelong fellow cuehead and I’m thrilled she’s joining Pot Black,” said former Embassy World Champion Steve Davis of his new on-screen colleague.

Aniston could barely contain her excitement in an interview for the snooker magazine Balls.

“As a snooker nut and a massive fan of the Crucible Theatre, Sheffield, I’m honoured and excited to be a part of this iconic show’s new chapter,” she said. “What a thrill!”

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Filed under News, Social media, Sport, TV

Creationist headteacher insists world moves on giant tortoise

What’s wrong with this picture?

The Headteacher who insisted that evolution wasn’t real has given further proof of her intellectual ability by announcing that the planet Earth moves through space on the back of a giant tortoise.

Christina Blinkerson, head of a primary school in Lancashire, claimed on Twitter that evolution was just “a theory”.

Wilkinson spouted: “Evolution is not a fact. That’s why it’s called a theory! There’s more evidence that the Bible is true. I’ve read it in a book.”

As if this were not enough to disqualify her from ever being allowed to speak to schoolchildren again, she followed up by expanding on her beliefs of something she called the “Great Tortoise”, which she had read in her other book.

“It’s true!” she spluttered over social media. “A huge tortoise, carrying the Earth through the heavens! And there’s something about elephants, but I can’t remember that bit.”

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Filed under Children, Education, News, Religion

DiCaprio so wooden he could have floated easily, admits Kate Winslet

Plenty of room for a little acting talent

Kate Winslet has admitted for the first time that Leonardo DiCaprio’s character Jack did not need to die at the end of the movie Titanic.

“People have always asked me about it, and I have to admit it’s a bit of a plot hole,” explained Winslet, who played raft-hogging Rose in the blockbuster.

“To be perfectly honest, his acting was so wooden, he’d still be floating there if I hadn’t filled his pockets with bricks”, she admitted.

When asked whether there might not also have been room for DiCaprio on the floating wooden door, Winslet agreed, saying: “The door certainly had more breadth than his characterisation.”

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Wayne Rooney sues over £750,000 potato photo


Can’t see the resemblance, myself

Legal representatives of football ace Wayne Rooney have contacted the photographer who recently sold a picture of a potato, demanding that he immediately cease from “ridiculing his client”.

The photograph, which shows a roughly head-shaped potato lightly caked in soil, sold for £750,000 when it was spotted in a London gallery by a rich idiot.

“This is clearly an attempt to ridicule my client,” insisted a spokesman for Rooney.

“It is well-known that certain unpleasant, misguided people have in the past compared Wayne to a potato, and this is just the latest example of this cruel trend.”

“The juxtaposition of vast over-valuation with the muddy root vegetable is hardly subtle, and we think the photographer should be ashamed of himself.”

Photographer Kevin Abosch seemed bemused speaking to journalists this morning.

“It’s a potato,” he muttered, shaking his head. “I have no idea what they are talking about.”

Reporters then showed him a picture of Wayne Rooney.

“Oh my God,” he explained.

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Filed under Art, News, Sport

Asylum seekers forced to wear ‘It’s a Knockout’ costumes

Daily struggle to fit in

Asylum seekers in Cardiff face humiliation by being forced to wear distinctive costumes from the old TV series It’s a Knockout, it emerged today.

In order to qualify for food and housing, the refugees must dress up as grotesque ogres, bloated Tweedledums or even monstrously inflated parrots, according to complaints made to journalists.

One asylum seeker explained the unpleasant conditions his family faced: “In order to qualify for food, I had to dress up in a ridiculous French waiter costume with a massively over-sized head, and negotiate a slippery obstacle course while being sprayed with water.”

“Hardly any of the locals had giant heads, so everyone could tell straight away I was a refugee. To make it worse, I kept slipping over on the giant turntable when they sprayed water on me, and there was a guy with a microphone laughing his head off and shouting ‘HERE COME THE SYRIANS!'” Continue reading

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Filed under Politics, Showbusiness

Kanye West ‘delighted’ he has new constellation too

kanyestars2Following the announcement that he is going to soil David Bowie’s legacy by recording a rubbish tribute album, Kanye West has also insisted that he too should get a new constellation in his honour.

Scientists recently announced a new lightning bolt-shaped constellation has been registered as a memorial to Bowie, and Kanye immediately called for his own stellar tribute.

The same team of astronomers were quick to announce the new “Kanye Constellation” in the stars of Ursa Major, which has been informally named “The Knob”.

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Filed under music, Space