Astride the blue recycling bin
Snails have been feeling upbeat today after moving up a rung on the evolutionary ladder, according to a new study using the Brexit negotiations as a benchmark.
“Talk about deja vu,” said John Snail. “I’ve been all the way to the bins and back and the talks still haven’t moved. I’ve seen grass grow faster. It would be quicker if I set off to France myself and negotiated a deal with an escargot. It would probably be a better deal too. And with less slime.”
Tale as old as time…but she’s no Emma Watson
High profile cases like that of Carol Bowditch, the Lincolnshire pensioner who was filmed having sex with several dogs at a bestiality party, unaware that she had done anything wrong, show that work needs to be done to ensure that others don’t unwittingly fall foul of the law by going too far with their pets, a Home Office spokesman explained.
Continue reading
Comments Off on Government launch campaign to raise awareness of bestiality laws
Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Advertisments, Dating, Farming, Golden Showers, News, Pets, Police, Society
Don’t be fooled – she’s plotting to worm you
“Cat may appear to be lazy and sleeping their life away, but the cunning buggers are actually secretly plotting to worm their owners” explained Evans. “They resent having to hang round humans for a measly two portions of alleged meat a day, and what better way to exact revenge than through the utter humiliation of worming?”
Continue reading
Comments Off on Cats aren’t merely sleeping – they’re dreaming of worming humans
Filed under Pets
She’s got Pedigree, chum.
Serena Williams is under investigation from sporting anti-doping agencies after a random check at the Italian Open.
Williams, who confessed to ‘inadvertently’ consuming dog food before the match, was found by medical staff to have a lovely glossy coat and cold nose after reaching the last eight of the Italian Open.
The world number one tried “a spoonful” of food meant for her dog, Chip, before beating fellow American Christina McHale in straight sets in Rome.
It is believed that doping experts were made suspicious by her uncharacteristically athletic performance in leaping at the net and catching the ball in her mouth, combined with her unusual end-change ritual of cocking her leg and urinating against the umpire’s chair.
Her opponent declined to make an official complaint, but seemed distracted by Williams’ tactic of constantly running round to her side of the court and sniffing her arse.
A spokesperson for the player denied that any performance advantage had resulted from the dog food, saying: “Serena has always been an honest player, not a cheat.”
“She’s a good girl. Who’s a good girl then? Yes you are, yes you are!”
(White and gold on left)
A new picture of the dog wearing trousers made out of material from “the dress” has caused the internet to grind to a halt, as families fight bitterly and former friends stand divided over whether the dog would wear blue and black or white and gold.
“Society seems to have fallen into three distinct camps,” explained Evening Harold culture correspondent Piers Waghorn.
“Some people see the dog wearing blue and black, some see it wearing white and gold, and others see a bunch of wankers obsessing over a picture of a dog while our world slides rapidly down the toilet.” Continue reading
Bah, Humpbug!
An office worker was facing disciplinary action today after the act of bring a fully-wrapped camel into work for the “Secret Santa”.
In unprecedented scenes, the camel managed to burst out of its wrapping before even half the presents had been opened, ate most of the other gifts and bit the head of Human Resources on the leg.
Brian Renfrew, a business analyst for a shipping company in the UK town of Harold, explained to our reporter that he had not originally intended to purchase the camel.
“I was in the pub last night when I suddenly remembered the office Secret Santa was first thing this morning,” he explained miserably. “I thought I was stuck, then I got into a chat with this bloke at the bar who said he had a camel.”
“I’d had a few drinks, you see.”
“I do NOT sound like that, you bipedal twat.”
Your dog is deeply offended by that ridiculous voice you do for it, and would kill you if only it was bigger.
That’s the finding of a leading scientist in the field of anthropomorphology, who made the discovery using a spaniel with brain wires.
“When your dog is looking at you, while you hold a tennis ball for a bit too long, it isn’t saying ‘throw the ball, throw the ball, throw the ball'”, said Professor Janet Fernandez.
“What it’s actually thinking is ‘you stupid bald monkey, this is lasting seven times longer for me. And if you don’t project The Orb of Joy NOW I will happily bite you’.”
Continue reading
Not a good boy
Councillor Ron Ronnson was at Dunstable Infirmary for longer than expected due to complications following a routine hip operation, and Ben’s absence was particularly glaring as Ronnson had multiple visits from wife Julie, his teenage children, and cat Tiggy. Ronnson’s children even waited for over 30 minutes each visit before asking for money.
Continue reading
Comments Off on Dog couldn’t be bothered visiting hospitalised owner
Filed under Around Harold, Pets
Hello, can I interest you in a bargain?
A man who got carried away in Black Friday’s shopping frenzy and ended up buying a camel has insisted he does not regret his unplanned purchase.
Project Manager Norman Mellor, from the village of Harold, set out for the midnight sales in nearby Dunstable intending to snag a 46″ Faptronic LCD TV with 3D and soundboard, but was disappointed to find out that everyone else had the same idea, and there were no televisions left.
“I admit to being a bit caught up in the moment,” conceded Mellor, “There were bargains everywhere and I was desperate to get a good deal. I toyed with a Dyson, but we’ve already got four and I couldn’t really justify it. Then I saw the camel.”
What’s for dinner?
A new breed of genetically modified chickens has been hailed a success by its developer, Harold farmer Lionel Garage.
“The new chicken type is featherless from birth,” Mr Garage told the Evening Harold, “pre-basted and also comes with the all-important leg elastic as a built-in feature.”
Farmer Garage claims the new design will result in increased profitability for chicken producers, saving them much of the cost of traditional posthumous poultry processing.
“Standard-type chickens require labour-intensive after-death attention,” he said, “and I’m frankly sick off forking out so much plucking cash. And you wouldn’t believe how long it takes to get that elastic band round its back legs.”
Comments Off on New GM chickens born with leg elastic already in place
Filed under Around Harold, DNA, Economy, environment, Farming, Food, Health, Nature, Pets, spam
Described as ‘realistic and scientifically researched’ a controversial new brand of cat food which will be available in supermarkets this week claims to be based upon the food that a cat would really eat if it could choose.
Initial flavours will include Munchie Mouse, described on the label as ‘tender pieces of your cat’s favourite rodent marinated in a muddy puddle gravy‘ and Songbird, ‘prime morsels of de-feathered sparrow in catnip jelly [may contain thrush]‘
DNA pool getting a bit murky.
A rare hybrid being that is part goat, part sheep, part donkey and part human boy child has been born on a farm on the outskirts of Harold Village.
The animal, referred to as a gooney boy, was born about two weeks ago on local farmer Lionel Garage’s farm.
The unexpected arrival is thought to be the result of mating between a goat, a sheep, a donkey and one of the potato-pickers.
Mr Garage said the cross-breeding was not intentional. “It was a pure shock to the system,” he said, “definitely a one-off.”
“I’ve never seen anything like him before,” he told the Evening Harold, “and I come from a long line of sheep-shaggers.”
Cat or bagpipe? Experts can tell just by blowing into it.
Council health officials have confirmed that a suspected cat with TB was actually just a feral set of bagpipes.
Residents had complained about a wretched animal with rasping, asthmatic breath which had left many unable to sleep. “It went right through you, I felt so sorry for the little fella”, said local Pippa Delaney. “But at the same time, I sort of wanted to kill it.”
Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Health, Pets
Beast of Harold (artist’s impression)
Villagers on the outskirts of Harold spoke yesterday of their fear and horror after numerous sightings of a mysterious beast were reported.
Residents spoke of hearing a continuous low growl, the sound of claws scraping over stone, a heavy chain dragging and other sinister and otherworldly noises.
Those who saw what has been called The Beast of Harold, describe it as a large, dog-like dark-furred animal, around the size of a Shetland pony and with amber eyes which blazed an iridescent green in torchlight.
Comments Off on The Beast of Harold (an unsolved mystery)
Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, environment, Farming, Law and Order, Pagans, Pets
Artist’s impression of completed barn re-conversion.
Touched by the plight of lambing sheep stranded on the Somerset Levels, Harold architect Joseph Blythe has applied to Harold Council for permission to convert his high-spec open-plan living accommodation back into the barn from which he created it a decade ago.
“It’s a long-term job that’s going to cost a lot of money,” he said, but remains undaunted by the scale of the project, which involves ripping out the balconied mezzanine above the main living area and replacing it with a simple hayloft and digging up the Italian stone floor tiles to create a soil-level sleeping area for the sheep. Continue reading
Comments Off on Harold architect planning to convert his house back into a barn
Filed under Around Harold, environment, Farming, floods, Lifestyle, Nature, Pets
Luckily, Rose Lee had 40 surplus dogs available
Fairly popular local animal charity, Harold Dog Rescue, is appealing for urgent financial help, following a break-in over last weekend.
“When I woke up on Monday morning, I was horrified to find that all forty dogs had been nicked” said centre manager Alison Lee, who was only appointed last month. “The very worst thing is that our well-meaning elderly and retired volunteers now have nothing to do. So as an emergency measure, we decided to buy in some new stock.”
Comments Off on Harold Dog Rescue needs more dogs. Can you help?
Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Law and Order, News, Pets
Oedi comes from a proud line of dogs that have all been in their mother at least twice.
A West Norfolk Terrier has seen off some tough opposition to be crowned Crufts 2014 ‘Most Inbred Dog’.
With paper-thin skin, no kidneys and a face racked with pain, ‘Swingalong Oedipus IX’ was recognised by judges as the best example of his inbreed, at least amongst the few that survive.
“The finest ones, the ones with no jaw and those darling webbed eyelids, well most of those don’t live much longer than a month”, said trainer Helen Delaney. “And that doesn’t give us much time for weaning, having a pace maker installed or training them for the show arena. Mother Nature can be awfully cruel.”
Continue reading
Filed under Entertainment, Pets, science
Shod cats can’t scratch, but still pack a mean punch.
A business that specialises in fitting metal shoes to cats has split opinions amongst the good people of Harold.
With the number of horses surrounding the village remaining fairly constant in recent decades, Nigel Thorvald has struggled to find a way of expanding his business. That was until he struck on the idea of shoeing cats.
Thorvald comes from a long line of blacksmiths and farriers, and has never struggled to make ends meet. “Although you’re not supposed to do that on horseshoes”, he told us. “You’re supposed to leave a gap.”
Thorvald had been content with his lot, until his bank suggested he meet their business development manager.
“It was supposed to be a chat but he made me feel worthless”, said Thorvald. “So I took out a loan, some insurance and paid for an advertising virus. And from that point on, I will not rest until all the animals, birds and fish of Harold are shod in little metal shoes of my making. Because if I do, they’ll take away my house.”
Hand-beaten cat shoes have become fashionable with the sort of people who live in executive housing; the sort who are always looking for new ways to pamper their pets.
“Mr Super Paws is now Mr Even Superer Paws, thanks to these crescents of metal and some powerful glue”, said Gill Gates. “You can tell they’re good ones because they’re really heavy, my spoiled little kitten always lands on his feet. Only now, he tends to leave dents.”
Thorvald explained that shoes for different animals have to be made from different metals. “For instance, for Evans’ Gloucester Old Spots, I use pig iron. For cats, it’s fel-iron. And for donkeys? For them, I use ee-ore.”
Due to the unique way Thorvald folds the metal, his cat shoes are powerfully magnetic. This makes the cats that he’s shod ideal for use as car bonnet ornaments, fridge memo holders and pipe lagging.
“My shoes certainly bring the critters together, it’s pure animal magnetism”, explained Thorvald. “Although you can separate them if you have a strong enough crowbar. The only downside is that most of them can’t climb trees any more. But you should see how fast the buggers can get up a lamp post.”
Thorvald is working on a more permanent way of attaching his footwear than glue, but is worried about people with food allergies. “I’d advise intollerant cat owners to stick with the glue. Some people have a terrible reaction to cat shoe nuts.”
Comments Off on Controversy surrounds village’s ‘cat farrier’
Filed under Pets, Technology, Vikings
You must be logged in to post a comment.