A Harold Council health and safety training course due to be held on Monday has been postponed following concerns about the weight of the training folder.
The updated folders were delivered to the council offices on Friday, but due to their now excessive weight they have been left on the floor, surrounded by highly visible tape, a warning sign, and a copy of the council’s public liability insurance certificate.
“The delivery driver romantically dropped off the training material on bended knee, with a straight back, and arms at shoulder length,” Joan Willis, the council’s health and safety officer said. “It was text book manual handling. Well at least we think it was.
“Sadly we can’t be sure as the amount of health and safety rules we now need to follow means the health and safety training manual is too heavy for anyone to move and check.”
What’s for dinner?
A new breed of genetically modified chickens has been hailed a success by its developer, Harold farmer Lionel Garage.
“The new chicken type is featherless from birth,” Mr Garage told the Evening Harold, “pre-basted and also comes with the all-important leg elastic as a built-in feature.”
Farmer Garage claims the new design will result in increased profitability for chicken producers, saving them much of the cost of traditional posthumous poultry processing.
“Standard-type chickens require labour-intensive after-death attention,” he said, “and I’m frankly sick off forking out so much plucking cash. And you wouldn’t believe how long it takes to get that elastic band round its back legs.”
‘Like hand grenades, helicopters should only be used once’.
Aviation safety experts have warned passengers and pilots alike of the dangers of using a helicopter more than once.
But Nicola Bentley of the ‘Land Once’ campaign insisted that choppers are perfectly safe, as long as they’re destroyed immediately after their maiden flight.
“Given their enormous expense and technical complexity, some people might be tempted to get back in a used helicopter and make a return journey”, explained Bentley. “But our advice is ‘don’t’. Helicopters are a lot like matches, condoms or carrier bags in that respect: only a moron would attempt to re-use them.”
Bentley is calling for clearer labeling on helicopters, as well as the removal of temptations such as fuel filler flaps. “Don’t get back in it, for God’s sake don’t refuel it, and don’t ever attempt to switch the big fan back on”, warned Bentley.
Health and Safety nightmare
In a move aimed at reducing wasted picnic time and repetitive shooing injuries, Councillor Ron Ronsson is calling for compulsory health warnings on wasps. From Friday, even small wasps will need to be labelled, while non-complaint ones will be seized in a sting operation.
Critics of the legislation have claimed that labelling won’t prevent victims from injury, and are calling instead for an outright ban on the vindictive, stripy little bastards. But the wasp control industry opposes such a move, which could threaten the citronella factory in nearby Felching.