Tag Archives: wasps

by | August 15, 2015 · 12:30 pm

Companies clamour to get Tony Blair to badmouth their products

Blair moneyAfter two spectacular interventions into the Labour leadership race caused Jeremy Corbyn’s popularity to soar, companies are falling over themselves to get Tony Blair to badmouth their products.

Coca-Cola have been battling concerns its products are unhealthy, but as soon as foreign dictator consultant Blair described Coke as a ‘1980s throwback sugar-laden pile of piss’, sales exploded. Likewise, McDonald’s had queues stretching out the door after the monger of wars said its food was ‘plastic, inauthentic, and caused face cancer’. Banks lined up to have Blair call them ‘greedy, heartless, blood-sucking leeches on society’.
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by | July 22, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Ant engineers finally master secret of flight

flying ant

New ant design has experienced a few set-backs.

A team of ants working from a sandpit in Harold claim to have mastered the ability to fly.

Standing next to a prototype stuck to a cough sweet, chief engineer Brian Pharoah unveiled the new ‘flying ant’, before denying that the design may have been used before.

“Of course there are stories about our ancestors soaring into the clouds, and doing battle with those upstart b**tard wasps”, said Pharoah.

“My dad used to say my great, great, great, great grandmother embracing a sort of rudimentary ability to flap, but it’s clearly untrue”, he insisted. “According to my calculations that would make the world over 364 days old.”

Some have even suggested their current queen ‘fell from the sky’, a theory Pharoah dismisses as heresy.
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by | August 1, 2013 · 7:00 am

Stars come out for village Wasp Festival

waspchild

A bait child practices being attractive to wasps

With just two days to go until the Annual Harold Wasp Festival, organizers are dusting off their tennis racquets and polishing their jam traps.

And thanks to a winter breeding programme in the loft of the local pub, their are hopes that this year could break the 1976 record.

“Back then, we took our seasonal wasp genocide for granted”, explained legendary ‘wasp whisperer’ John Horse. “We downed more than 1,200 of the little buggers  before Saturday lunchtime. Barely a bee was bruised but the jaspers were littering the streets. I’ve still got my commemorative rolled-up programme.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Art, Culture, Uncategorized

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by | April 23, 2013 · 5:40 pm

Council demands health labels on wasps

wasp

Health and Safety nightmare

In a move aimed at reducing wasted picnic time and repetitive shooing injuries, Councillor Ron Ronsson is calling for compulsory health warnings on wasps. From Friday, even small wasps will need to be labelled, while non-complaint ones will  be seized in a sting operation.

Critics of the legislation have claimed that labelling won’t prevent victims from injury, and are calling instead for an outright ban on the vindictive, stripy little bastards. But the wasp control industry opposes such a move, which could threaten the citronella factory in nearby Felching.
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