Your dog is deeply offended by that ridiculous voice you do for it, and would kill you if only it was bigger.
That’s the finding of a leading scientist in the field of anthropomorphology, who made the discovery using a spaniel with brain wires.
“When your dog is looking at you, while you hold a tennis ball for a bit too long, it isn’t saying ‘throw the ball, throw the ball, throw the ball'”, said Professor Janet Fernandez.
“What it’s actually thinking is ‘you stupid bald monkey, this is lasting seven times longer for me. And if you don’t project The Orb of Joy NOW I will happily bite you’.”
Fernandez revealed that the voice you imagine for your dog is way off, which only makes it hate you all the more.
“It isn’t despising you in some deep, stupid voice from a cartoon”, she explained. “In dog years, it would shatter a glass.”
The research also found that when your dog bounces round while you put your shoes on, it’s actually just taking the piss.
“They can’t believe that it takes us 14 dog minutes to do up our shoe laces”, she said.
“Oh look! He’s doing his ‘angry face’! That’s often misinterpreted. Does the boy want a sneeze? Is the boy all sneezy? Is there a sneeze? Are you snee…OW! LET GO OF MY F**KING FACE!”