“I do NOT sound like that, you bipedal twat.”
Your dog is deeply offended by that ridiculous voice you do for it, and would kill you if only it was bigger.
That’s the finding of a leading scientist in the field of anthropomorphology, who made the discovery using a spaniel with brain wires.
“When your dog is looking at you, while you hold a tennis ball for a bit too long, it isn’t saying ‘throw the ball, throw the ball, throw the ball'”, said Professor Janet Fernandez.
“What it’s actually thinking is ‘you stupid bald monkey, this is lasting seven times longer for me. And if you don’t project The Orb of Joy NOW I will happily bite you’.”
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