In a move hardly likely to leave Jihadist terrorist squads quaking in their suicide belts, David Cameron has put the tortoise-like Sir John Chilcot in charge of the rollout of the so called rapid deployment brigades which would be equipped to react immediately to Parisian style attacks.
Although Chilcot, whose report into the ill-fated Gallipoli campaign is keenly expected any day, was believed to be comatose, his press spokesman said that Sir John would be delighted at the news and would get things underway ‘as soon as possible’, but certainly within five years once he had been able to have a nice chat with Tony Blair. Continue reading
After years of being inundated by unsolicited calls providing PPI miss-selling compensation opportunities, the world is bracing itself for a deluge of calls from opportunistic law firms offering potential riches if you are one of the lucky millions to have been bedded by Charlie Sheen.
Only a day after the actor comedian admitted his positive HIV status, the calls have started. Harold resident Nigel Thorvald grumpily answered his phone at five o’clock this morning only to hear the following pre-recorded message:
“Have you been shagged at any time by Charlie Sheen? If so, we believe you may be entitled to compensation. Please dial 967 to be put in touch with a fully trained advisor with an accent you can’t understand.” Continue reading
Pensioner Rod invokes the horror of war
There was a collective sigh of relief at this evening’s annual Festival of Remembrance when the traditional two minute’s silence finally commenced after the onslaught of the ‘popular’ songsters introduced to bring the 1914-18 Great War bang up to date.
It’s not often that the start of the solemn moment is met with a cheer from the audience at the Royal Albert Hall however the pain and suffering inflicted by the bombardment of howitzers from Pixie Lott and Rod Stewart took many onlookers back poignantly to the horrors of trench warfare and the cease fire brought about by the silence was greeted with much the same delight as the signing of the Armistice all those years ago. Continue reading
Corbyn’s mission is to save the planet from Tories
Jeremy Corbyn, the latest regeneration of the Labour Party leader, has become known as ‘The Doctor’ within the corridors of Labour Central Office for his eccentric behaviour and general unworldliness.
“It started as a bit of a joke because of his likeness to the actor Peter Capaldi and his dislike for wearing a tie” a Labour insider revealed, “but we soon realised that the similarity went beyond his appearance, thanks to his bizarre statements and unintelligible policies.”
“For instance,” continued the bemused insider, “as I was passing the Tardis – as his office is known – I’m almost certain I overheard Jeremy likening Ian Duncan-Smith to a Sontaran who could only be controlled by the evil Davros; and it is common knowledge that he believes the Queen is a Weeping Angel.” Continue reading
Labour Leader, Jeremy Corbyn writes exclusively for the Evening Harold
Well, I’ve never been one to gloat, but it’s been a pig of a week for the Tories!
After the vilifying I received at the hands of the right wing press for not singing a silly song about the preservation of the Queen, the confirmation that Cameron and his cronies really do have their snouts in the trough has been a delight. It’s amazing what the privileged get up to behind closed doors!
I’d just like to take this opportunity to assure my supporters that whilst I come from a comfortable background – which, of course, I deplored – the only thing we ever inserted into a pig’s mouth was an apple. Continue reading
In a major scoop, newly elected Labour Leader, Jeremy Corbyn writes exclusively for the Evening Harold. This is mainly because we pretended we were from the Socialist Worker but that’s fine because we’re more working class than him so lying is acceptable.
Well it’s been quite a week, but democracy has spoken and the revolution has started.
I’ve fulfilled my election promise by having more gels in my Executive Committee but I’m still hearing dissent from the rank and file because there aren’t enough gels in the top jobs. I’ve done my best by having a chap called Hilary shadowing the Foreign brief, but you can’t be too careful with gels. Until I get to know them how do I know one of them won’t turn out to be a Thatcher?
I’ve had to make a few changes to the Party structure already. I’ve dispensed with the services of all those spin doctors as we won’t be needing any of them anymore. Of course, it’s sad for the people concerned but the way I see it, that’s another 876 people added to the unemployment list showing that the vicious Tory policies are simply not working. Continue reading
“One is the Champion”
By popular demand from Her Majesty’s subjects, we are commanded to provide a further gloved handful of facts about the Queen who is long reigning over us. These facts are just as true as the last set.
Fact! As an in-joke, the rock band Queen asked the actual Queen to sing backing vocals on one of their songs. After being smuggled into the band’s private recording studio at night, Her Majesty can be heard singing the “Are you gonna take me home tonight?” lines on “Fat Bottomed Girls“.
Fact! Prince Charles is so old that most people assume the Queen is his child, but it’s actually the other way round.
Fact! Her Majesty attributes her soft hands to her insistence that her maids always use Fairy Liquid when washing the Royal dishes. Continue reading
A rare photo of Horace Ruffage (see Fact #2)
As the Queen finally passes Bobby Charlton’s long standing record, the Evening Harold is able to reveal five astounding facts about Her Majesty, all which are totally true.
Fact One: As befits a lady who is in her 90th year, Her Majesty has a terrible memory and is easily confused. Since watching The King’s Speech she has become convinced that her father was the spitting image of Colin Firth and that contemporary photos of the late King showing him looking like a cod were doctored to reflect the mood of the time. Her Royal Highness is unable to understand how her mother was able to star in the Harry Potter films. Continue reading
“The next person to call me Tufty gets a whack!”
After enduring decades of oppression from insurgent grey squirrels, the remaining indigenous red squirrel is being encouraged to launch a fight back against its natural enemy.
Far cuter than their fatter so called North American ‘cousins’, who invited themselves to Britain half way through the last war to assist in repelling the Nazi squirrel and never left, the bushy tailed red squirrel has retreated to the remote forests of the UK dreaming of the day when they will be able to play fearlessly with their nuts in public. Continue reading
It was a play of two halves.
For those of you unable to make the long awaited opening night performance and unable to view it on You Tube thanks to a rather unreasonable ban on mobile filming, our Arts Correspondent Mariella Buss-Stop puts down her pint and casts her eyes over the cast’s performance at Elsinore last night.
From their hissed greeting at the appearance of old King Hamlet’s ghost to the mass weeping hysteria when the great one dies, the pubescent Cumberbitches’ in the audience made their presence felt last night at the Barbican. It could take days to mop up.
Here are my ratings for the players: Continue reading
It has been revealed that discovered amongst the piles of easy listening tapes left by al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden were a number of demo tapes in which the arch-terrorist brushed up his DJ patter whilst introducing songs by Cliff Richard and the Nolan Sisters.
From his whimsical style, it seems that Bin Laden saw himself as a Middle Eastern Terry Wogan, and his witty comments about the frustrations of his daily life of a revolutionary are quite amusing – if you put aside the atrocities which he directed. Continue reading
It is believed that the wreckage washed up on the shores of an Indian Ocean island may belong to the Labour Party which has been missing for several years.
Nothing has been heard from the carrier since it took off with Captain Jeremy Corbyn at the controls. Experts have established that it veered sharply to the left and then disappeared from the radar screens into obscurity. Continue reading
Elderly shop assistant Elsie Duggan had the shock of her life yesterday when she discovered a family of illegal migrants hidden in a crate of bananas.
“Oooh it was horrible,” she said, still trembling at the memory. “Almost as soon as I ripped open the case, they started to force their way out and scattered to all corners. There were loads of them. I’m amazed that they could move so fast after being cooped up in there so long. There were arms and legs everywhere!” Continue reading
Like the Lenin hat, Jeremy!
The competence of the Labour Party has been questioned once again after it was announced that leadership hopefuls, Liz Kendall, Yvette Cooper and Andy Burnham had all withdrawn from the contest in favour of Andy Burnham, Yvette Cooper and Liz Kendall.
Driven by a combined fear that Jeremy Corbyn might have an outside chance of becoming the next Labour leader if someone didn’t step down from the contest, each of the prospective leaders fell upon their swords leaving the grizzled leftie a shoo-in for the leadership.
“It’s even worse than the Miliband debacle,” said one veteran Labour activist. “They’ve all pulled out and in seconds have collectively set the Party back by thirty five years without a single bacon roll in sight.” Continue reading
Angry woman no match for PC Flegg’s tazer
An elderly Windsor woman is likely to be disqualified from driving after an incident in which she drove across a Royal Park, nearly hitting a young couple walking their baby.
The woman, who has not been named, is reported to have claimed that she mistook the young family for another couple she knew and their “latest brat” and swerved away the moment she realised her mistake.
A brave local amateur astronomer who has captured his best ever photograph of demoted planet Pluto following a hazardous mission, has claimed the risks of clambering onto a dustbin in the middle of the night for a better view were well worth taking.
“Despite the risks, I’m delighted with the photographs,” Gerald Snoad said last night after coming out of a ten day period quarantine as a precaution against deep space contamination. “It just goes to show what you can do with some meticulous planning.”
“I believe my photos have captured the loneliness of Pluto, which is essentially an insignificant dot on the horizon, just beyond the Dunstable by-pass.”
It could so easily have been different. The successful space shot was almost aborted when the council delivered a new wheelie bin to Mr Snoad’s Harold based mission control HQ. Continue reading
The Royal Wee?
It’s been quite a week for the Duchess of Cornwall and her growing collection of white accessories. First she was given a used sweatband at Wimbledon by Andy Murray; and yesterday she was given one of little Princess Charlotte’s nappies at her Sandringham christening.
From all accounts, the Duchess has been collecting whites for many years, but this only came to public knowledge last week when the Scottish tennis star threw his sweatband into the Royal Box and a delighted Camilla popped the sweaty item into her handbag. Apparently, the only criteria for items to qualify for her collection are that the items should be white (or white-ish) and to have been used by a notable person.
Prince Charles has been long aware of his wife’s unusual hobby and gave her a set of Queen Victoria’s bloomers as a wedding gift to accompany a pair of underpants of Prince Albert which Camilla has framed above the mantelpiece in her Highgrove House dressing room. Continue reading
Fans of Andy Murray’s new wife, Kim, breathed a collective grunt of relief at the news that the BBC has secured the terrestrial TV rights to show the players’ girlfriends, relatives and assorted celebrities whilst they are watching the tennis at Wimbledon.
Acclaiming the news as a major coup, Barbara Slater, BBC Sport Director, said “Whilst we are obviously disappointed that our bid of £15 and dinner with Claire Balding was considered insufficient to retain the rights to cover the tennis itself, we are delighted to be able to continue the coverage of the tennis players’ sweethearts and pushy mothers. Most viewers will hardly notice the difference.” Continue reading
Have you ever wondered why the summer’s news is tediously predictable? Well, the EH can exclusively reveal that all newspapers pre-write the summer news so journalists can sod off to the beach rather than sit in sweaty offices waiting for something to happen. Which it never does.
So here is a sample of what we have already written for the summer:
16th July: The temperature sneaks above 20 degrees and a heatwave is finally declared. First use of “Scorcher” in a headline. Everyone rushes to the beaches and then rushes away again after a killer shark panic on a Devonian beach. The Great White Shark turns out to be a boringly harmless basking shark. Continue reading