Publicity-shy singer Elton John is to release an album of Barbra Streisand songs, entitled The Streisand Effect, it was revealed today.
Unusually for a major artist’s release, the album will be launched with no advertising whatever, on a date that is being kept a secret, and only sold in a handful of boutique ironmongers.
The album is not actually being released in England, although it will be freely available in Scotland and everywhere else.
“We realise that this low-key approach to publicity might mean that not all fans get to appreciate Elton’s latest offering,” admitted an anonymous spokesperson, “But sometimes big stars prefer to stay out of the limelight.”
“Not that there’s anything to hide. Why would there be anything to hide?”
“In fact, you’re not allowed to say that there’s nothing to hide. Enjoy the album though!”
“Not that there’s an album. We deny that completely.”
“We’re a perfectly happily married couple, and would have no need to release an album.”
“Ooh, what a give away.”
Peace on you.
With only 3 days of December gone, violent episodes in offices and shops across the village have begun to soar as Christmas CD repeat plays hit intolerable levels.
Emergency services have reported a jump in the number of stapler based injuries and Dunstable hospital is calling for more blood donors following a spate of viscious paper cuts. Continue reading
DJ Mike Read has withdrawn his best-selling UKIP Calypso song after recognising it was unlikely to win an award at tonight’s Music Of Black Origin (MOBO) awards.
The song is designed to highlight UKIP’s policies whilst dispelling the accusation that they are in any way racist.
In a bid to cut down on the recent trend of public misery, a group of 20 festivals have banned the use of ‘legal depressants’ such as Coldplay and Radiohead.
“Although not widely used in public some festival goers have been known to sit in their tents getting low using headphones to inject legal lows such as ‘Yellow’ or ‘Creep’ directly into their ears,” one organiser told us.
Huey Lewis begged surgeon ‘I want a new drug’.
80s pop legend Huey Lewis is suing his orthopaedic surgeon Dr. Nigel Trent, after being fitted with a cube-shaped hip replacement ‘for a joke’.
Lewis (63) nearly died during the operation, which left him in crippling agony and paralysed down his right side.
“The surgeon was chatting with one of the nurses, and she mentioned my smash hit ‘hip to be square’. I saw a smile cross his face, but I thought nothing more of it”, explained Lewis. “When I woke up after the op, all the staff were giggling as they showed me a replica of the square hip joint they’d fitted.”
Lewis was appalled. “I tried to move, but the pain from my right hip was excrutiating. I could feel the point of the metal cube grinding against my pelvis.” Lewis had barely moved when the edge of the block began to saw through the sciatic nerve: “I blacked out. I don’t know how long I was out for, but I woke up laying in a pool of liquid on the floor.”
Makes an award-winning sound when you punch it in the face
The prestigious Mercury music prize has been won by a hitherto unheard of band, who eschew traditional musical instruments in favour of recording metallic grinding noises from industrial machinery and mixing it with the sound you get when you punch a goat in the face while holding a microphone.
“The Barclaycard Mercury Prize has taken on even more significance in recent years, as the only other major award for British artists, The Brits, tend to be won by acts that the general public have not only heard of, but also like.” said Timothy Forbes, music editor for The Guardian, “The Mercury Prize is therefore essential to remind ordinary music fans how much better than them us critics are.” Continue reading
Filed under Lifestyle, News
Stairway to heaven?
In a desperate attempt to boost local tourism, the village of Harold has decided to institute a Rock ’n’ Roll Trail by renaming several local features after classic music tracks.
The idea after a planning committee met to consider a name for a path which leads out of the village with no apparent destination. “It’s very old,” said committee chairman, Eileen Remnant, 76, “but no one has a clue where it used to go to. It just fizzles out at the top of a slope.”
“When I joked that it was a road to nowhere, Councillor Cummerbund pointed out that this was title of a hit by a pop group apparently called The Talking Heads. Then the idea of naming other village places after popular songs and groups grew.”
Warning; This boy may harm you and others around you.
BBC Radio 1 have today had to deny claims they are being cruel and insensitive, and refused to back down from a decision to play the music of Justin Bieber. The move comes as people who remember the 1980’s and early 1990’s mourn the death of decent music.
The BBC in defending their position have told us they ‘have a duty to play the music people are buying, even if those people are under the age of 16 and have no idea what they are talking about.’
However, not everyone has been critical of the BBC. Sally Moody from the ‘OMG Justin Bieber, We Love You’ fan club told us “the BBC should play Justin all day ‘cos he is lush. Continue reading