Festivals to ban ‘legal lows’ starting with Coldplay


In a bid to cut down on the recent trend of public misery, a group of 20 festivals have banned the use of ‘legal depressants’ such as Coldplay and Radiohead.

“Although not widely used in public some festival goers have been known to sit in their tents getting low using headphones to inject legal lows such as ‘Yellow’ or ‘Creep’ directly into their ears,” one organiser told us.

“We’ve tried to ban the miserable dross before but noticed some Coldplay being smuggled in as the seemingly harmless ‘Viva la Vida’, which if listened to as part of an album will lead to softer stuff that will leave you in an emotional gutter.”

As well as the usual police drugs dogs around the site, this year will see the first deployment of police ’emo’ handlers.

Using highly trained emos to sniff out anyone in possession of any legal lows such as ‘Thom Yorke’ they hope to bring misery down to an all time low.

“They are very good at detecting anyone who may have injected Chris Martin’s whining into their ears,” one of the handlers told us. “Our drugs dogs’ noses are 10,000 time more sensitive than normal humans, as are our sniffer emos’ feelings.

“If they get a good find we treat them to 30 second of My Chemical Romance to keep their spirits low.”

If successful the ban on legal lows will be rolled out globally and may see websites such as iTunes and Google Play closed down for openly selling them online.

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