Tom Cruise set to play title role in new Elvis Presley biopic

Following fevered speculation, it has been announced that Tom Cruise, the half pint sized, Hollywood legend has signed to play the part of Elvis Presley when filming of the new biopic ‘Suspicious Minds’ starts in the autumn.

News of his casting is certain to cause a backlash of indignation amongst fans of ‘The King’ but it is believed producers were swayed by his excellent miming performance in the movie ‘Rock of Ages’ and the fact that he can supply all of his own wigs.

“Tom Cruise is definitely Box Office gold,” said one mogul, managing to make ‘Tom’ sound like ‘Tum’, in that drawlie sweet way that most Americans do. “He is a busy guy. We had to make a few concessions on our schedule so we will shoot straight after he finishes the next Hobbit movie. Then, the moment he finishes playing Presley, he is off to fulfil a lifetime ambition to play the part he was born for, Tom Thumb.”

‘Suspicious Minds’ will focus on the last few months of Elvis’ life and will concentrate on the deteriorating relationship with his wife Cilla Black, and his manager Colonel Tom Saunders, who introduced him to Kentucky Fried Chicken to which he became addicted.

Plans for the film are well advanced. As well as Burger King winning the official fast food franchise, and Hershey’s supplying vast quantities of jam and peanut butter, there will be British interest in the film as Armitage Shanks are to provide the toilet being used in the moving final scenes.

It remains to be seen if Cruise’s depiction of the King of Rock ’n’ Roll will get a panning from the critics, who have still to flush away memories of his diminutive figure recently tackling the title role of six foot five tough guy Jack Reacher with nothing more to assist him other than dubious camera angles, a fellow cast of munchkins, and a box to stand on.