Category Archives: Families

Harold EXCLUSIVE: The Royal Summit, full transcript.

Thanks to a fly on the wall at Sandringham, with a tiny microphone in it, The Evening Harold is able to bring the full, unredacted transcript of The Royal Summit.

ACT 1. The guests arrive.

Sussex, entering left, courtseying : “You sent for me, Ma’am?”

Cornwall, whispering to HM: “See how he removes the Royal Cloak and hangs it on the peg? No son of mine…”

Cambridge: “Welcome, let us hug so that we may be Brothers in Arms.”

Sussex pushing him aside: “Fuck’st off, thou unchin-nosed fustelarian.”

ACT 2. The Queen’s Drawing Room.

HM: “So tell me Sussex – I’ll call you Harry – let’s speak of Meghan, whom thou didst marry.”

Sussex: “I love her Ma’am, with all my heart; I hear sweet music, tho’ she doth loudly fart.”

HM: “’Tis love for sure; I used to feel the same to hear my Edi snore.”

Edinburgh enters.

Edinburgh, aside to Cornwall: “It’s those Swan Down pillows, mate; they me do nightly suffocate.”

Cambridge, earwigging: “Suffolk Kate? Yet it is sworn by certificate: she’s Pangbourne born and no mistake.”

Edinburgh: “Sir Tiffy Kate? Is that her dad?”

Cornwall: “The hour – ’tis late – the sun glows red. Come on, father, let us get thee back a-bed.”

Edinburgh leaves.

HM: “To business, Harry, now, in verse, how willst thou manage without my Purse?”

Sussex: “I’ve thirty million in my account. I may not be Rees-Mogg, but ’tis still a good amount.”

HM: “But, in America, ’tis no wealth! Illness there comes free, one has to pay for health.”

Cambridge: “Bro, you married a beauty; but where’s thy sense of Royal Duty? Hast thou lost it?”

Sussex: “Go away, you pompous git.”

ACT 3. In the hallway.

A knock on the front door is heard. (‘Tis Andrew, delivering pizzas.)

HM: “Quick, let us in the garden walk. I know that knock. It’s that dork, York.”

ACT 4: At the back garden gate.

HM: “Oh bugger, there’s the Press! Butler, fetch one’s crown – one’s hair is such a mess!”

HM (to the assembled reporters): ”Summit’s aborted. Come back Wednesday.”

Sussex (to camera): “Sorted.”

[photo credit: By USDAgov –, Public Domain,]

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Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, DNA, Families, Royals

Harold couple to step back from being 60 millionth in line to the throne

i set trends dem man copy
A Harold woman and her imaginary partner have become the latest in a lengthening line of royal dropouts.

“We shall be working towards financial independence, apart from a small amount of Pension Credit and Housing Benefit,” said a statement on behalf of Doris Kettle (72) and her late husband.

“One’s time shall be split between the park and the care home,” Doris told the Evening Harold, adding “this will not impact upon one’s personal carbon footprint, before you ask.”

The move threw Royal Researchers a massive googly as they tried to keep the National Sequence of Succession website up to date.

“The last thing we need is a spate of copycat abdications,” said one royal commentator, while others are questioning whether ‘stepping down’ is an actual constitutional option available to common people.

Nevertheless, comrade Corbyn, who twice narrowly missed out on becoming Prime Minister, is now one step closer to becoming King.

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Filed under breaking news, Families, Royals

Step-ladder ‘never really felt like one of the family’

A loom n yum, as the say in the States.

When ‘A’ was rescued from a B&Q orphanage, he thought a loving family was taking him into their home and their hearts.

“The kids seemed very excited on the way home in the 4×4,” recalled A, “singing ‘Daddy got a ladder’ to the tune of ‘If I had a hammer’. I thought I would soon be enjoying a bowl of homemade soup in a warm kitchen and then the kids would show me where I was sleeping. I couldn’t have been more wrong.”

To his horror, the jeep pulled up the gravel path to the detached double garage. While the children ran into the house to tell mummy about their outing with daddy, A was slid out of the tailgate, had his packaging stripped from him and was roughly shaken before being hung on a pair of hooks inside the garage.

“Yeah, reckon you’ll do,” said the man before switching off the light and shutting the garage door.

In the darkness, a large spider crawled and A heard the familiar creak of aluminium on aluminium.

“Who’s there?” asked A.

“I’m Triple Extension,” said a deep voice in reply, “and this is my wife, Roof. Get to sleep, Steps. There’s work to be done, first thing in the morning.”

“Don’t call me Steps,” cried A.”My name’s A. It’s short for A-Frame. You’re not my real ladder.”

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Filed under Aggressively Tested, Apprenticeships, Around Harold, Christmas, DNA, environment, Families

Christians oppose 3-parent IVF babies: “three persons in one is just wrong.”


“This is just wrong!”

Christians in the UK have slammed new IVF rules, which permit babies being made from three people. “It’s not right is it, whoever heard of three identities existing in one person? ” asked Andy, Curate at St Pauls in Harold, adjusting his spectacles.

“Anyway, we shouldn’t tamper with nature in this way.”he said, whilst turning up his hearing aid, adding Continue reading

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Filed under Families, News, science

Ofcom investgate proliferation of “reclaim your term time holiday fine” cold calls to parents


£120 – that’s the deposit on this year’s holiday, cheers!

After the landmark high court ruling that there was no case to answer for a parent who refused to pay his £120 term time holiday fine, flagging PPI claims companies have shifted their greed from the financially ignorant to self-righteous middle class parents.

Parents who took kids out of school and hid behind the thinly veiled argument that it was better for “Jocasta and Tarquin to experience a different culture and language”, whist taking them to Disneyland or skiing for 2 weeks, can now relax and simply admit the truth : they wanted to save a few quid on a holiday. Continue reading

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Filed under Education, Families, Holidays, News

Elton John recording an album of Barbra Streisand covers

Elton-JohnPublicity-shy singer Elton John is to release an album of Barbra Streisand songs, entitled The Streisand Effect, it was revealed today.

Unusually for a major artist’s release, the album will be launched with no advertising whatever, on a date that is being kept a secret, and only sold in a handful of boutique ironmongers.

The album is not actually being released in England, although it will be freely available in Scotland and everywhere else.

“We realise that this low-key approach to publicity might mean that not all fans get to appreciate Elton’s latest offering,” admitted an anonymous spokesperson, “But sometimes big stars prefer to stay out of the limelight.”

“Not that there’s anything to hide. Why would there be anything to hide?”

“In fact, you’re not allowed to say that there’s nothing to hide. Enjoy the album though!”

“Not that there’s an album. We deny that completely.”

“We’re a perfectly happily married couple, and would have no need to release an album.”

“Ooh, what a give away.”

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‘David Furnishings’ homeware website mysteriously offline


Complete mystery

‘David Furnishings’, Littlehampton’s premier homeware and soft fabrics website, has mysteriously gone offline, it was reported today.

Customers had reported difficulties accessing the site over the last few days, and this morning it was completely inaccessible to any customers from the UK, although overseas browsers remained unaffected.

“It’s a disaster, to by honest,” explained proprietor Jeremy David, after whom the business is named. “It seems that only people abroad can see the site at all, and how many customers in Brisbane are going to want to buy a sofa cover from Littlehampton, even it is made from a soft but durable wool/polyester mix? Not many, I’ll tell you that.”

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“Studying chromosomes is in my DNA” claims 3rd-generation geneticist

DNA animation by brian0918™ via Wikimedia Commons

Twists and turns

Local amateur chromosome-enthusiast Brian Aubrey, whose father and grandfather both took a keen interest in genetics, has concluded that the driving force behind their common pastime must be in his DNA.

His hypothesis was published in this month’s edition of Naturist World.

“For editorial reasons, they changed the title to ‘DNA: The Bare Facts’ and preferred to illustrate the article with a photo of some rather healthy-looking women playing volley ball on a beach in Spain, which they said was more interesting than my diagram showing the distribution of chromosomes in a double helix.”

“The problem is finding an outlet for your research. It’s a highly competitive business and sometimes it’s necessary to resort to click-bait tactics to get your message out there.”

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Filed under Around Harold, DNA, Families, Father's Day, Lifestyle, science, Troubled Families

New toilet you clean once a year sounds like a lot of effort, say teenagers

supertoiletAn “intelligent” toilet that only has to be cleaned once a year sounds like more trouble than it’s worth, teenagers claimed today.

The  Neorest 750H toilet, on display at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, uses electrolysed water and ultraviolet light to break down bacteria, so the bowl does not have to be cleaned for at least a year.

“That sounds like a real drag to me,” insisted Melanie Delaney, 19, from the English village of Harold today.

“In our house we have a toilet, and I’m pretty certain it’s never been cleaned, like not ever.”

“It never seems to get dirty though, so I can’t see why we’d want one you have to clean every year. And it doesn’t sound like a fun job, anyway.”

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Filed under Families, science