Category Archives: Royals

Harold EXCLUSIVE: The Royal Summit, full transcript.

Thanks to a fly on the wall at Sandringham, with a tiny microphone in it, The Evening Harold is able to bring the full, unredacted transcript of The Royal Summit.

ACT 1. The guests arrive.

Sussex, entering left, courtseying : “You sent for me, Ma’am?”

Cornwall, whispering to HM: “See how he removes the Royal Cloak and hangs it on the peg? No son of mine…”

Cambridge: “Welcome, let us hug so that we may be Brothers in Arms.”

Sussex pushing him aside: “Fuck’st off, thou unchin-nosed fustelarian.”

ACT 2. The Queen’s Drawing Room.

HM: “So tell me Sussex – I’ll call you Harry – let’s speak of Meghan, whom thou didst marry.”

Sussex: “I love her Ma’am, with all my heart; I hear sweet music, tho’ she doth loudly fart.”

HM: “’Tis love for sure; I used to feel the same to hear my Edi snore.”

Edinburgh enters.

Edinburgh, aside to Cornwall: “It’s those Swan Down pillows, mate; they me do nightly suffocate.”

Cambridge, earwigging: “Suffolk Kate? Yet it is sworn by certificate: she’s Pangbourne born and no mistake.”

Edinburgh: “Sir Tiffy Kate? Is that her dad?”

Cornwall: “The hour – ’tis late – the sun glows red. Come on, father, let us get thee back a-bed.”

Edinburgh leaves.

HM: “To business, Harry, now, in verse, how willst thou manage without my Purse?”

Sussex: “I’ve thirty million in my account. I may not be Rees-Mogg, but ’tis still a good amount.”

HM: “But, in America, ’tis no wealth! Illness there comes free, one has to pay for health.”

Cambridge: “Bro, you married a beauty; but where’s thy sense of Royal Duty? Hast thou lost it?”

Sussex: “Go away, you pompous git.”

ACT 3. In the hallway.

A knock on the front door is heard. (‘Tis Andrew, delivering pizzas.)

HM: “Quick, let us in the garden walk. I know that knock. It’s that dork, York.”

ACT 4: At the back garden gate.

HM: “Oh bugger, there’s the Press! Butler, fetch one’s crown – one’s hair is such a mess!”

HM (to the assembled reporters): ”Summit’s aborted. Come back Wednesday.”

Sussex (to camera): “Sorted.”

[photo credit: By USDAgov –, Public Domain,]

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Harold couple to step back from being 60 millionth in line to the throne

i set trends dem man copy
A Harold woman and her imaginary partner have become the latest in a lengthening line of royal dropouts.

“We shall be working towards financial independence, apart from a small amount of Pension Credit and Housing Benefit,” said a statement on behalf of Doris Kettle (72) and her late husband.

“One’s time shall be split between the park and the care home,” Doris told the Evening Harold, adding “this will not impact upon one’s personal carbon footprint, before you ask.”

The move threw Royal Researchers a massive googly as they tried to keep the National Sequence of Succession website up to date.

“The last thing we need is a spate of copycat abdications,” said one royal commentator, while others are questioning whether ‘stepping down’ is an actual constitutional option available to common people.

Nevertheless, comrade Corbyn, who twice narrowly missed out on becoming Prime Minister, is now one step closer to becoming King.

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HM Queen ‘to take back control of Parliament’

Taking back control of the steering wheel.
A new poll has revealed that most people would back HM Queen to have the final say on Brexit.

“It seems obvious that when we’re talking Sovereignty, the Monarch should be the final arbiter,” said landlord Eddie on behalf of Harold’s informal polling group IMHO.

The group meets regularly to discuss global issues while drinking alcohol. At last night’s meeting in the Squirrel Lickers Arms, chaired by landlord Eddie Grudgingly, IMHO voted overwhelmingly to back a motion in support of a Royal Prerogative on Brexit.

“After all, there’s a fair bit of German in her blood and the Duke’s quite Greek,” said Eddie, “so they have a better understanding of Europe than far-right loudmouths  in parts of Lincolnshire and the Tory Party.”

It was decided that a People’s Vote would be a waste of time, because everyone’s changed their minds, so the result would be the same as last time.

The group also supported a motion of praise for Prince Philip’s ability to survive an actual car crash much better than the Prime Minister fared in her metaphorical one.

“And the Duke,” said Eddie, winding up the debate, “is now single-handedly saving hundreds of jobs at Jaguar Land Rover with his recent order for a weekly fleet of new cars. He’s doing more for the British motor industry than Greg Clark and that’s a fact.”

As the meeting adjourned, members of the political focus group thanked Eddie for another well-organised piss-up in his pub, which everyone agreed was a rare talent these days.

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Plane crash almost forces Royal wedding off BBC news’ top-spot

“Aww… aren’t they lovely though?”

A hundred deaths in a Havana air crash came close to nudging the Royal wedding off the top spot on BBC news today.

“There were no Meghan Markle relatives on board,” explained the BBC’s Huw Edwards from Windsor Castle “which is the frankly unusual element of the story we used to justify covering it.”

Survivors were spoken to in hospital by the BBC Cuba correspondent, Will Grant, who asked which part of the Royal wedding they’d most been looking forward to and how they felt about Continue reading

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Amber Rudd confirms royal baby will be deported as immigrant family doesn’t have the right paperwork

“How will we support three children when neither of has a job?” Wonders Kate

The Home Secretary, Amber Rudd says that just as soon as the new royal baby is named he will be deported. Despite being asked repeatedly, none of the Windsor family has come up with any pay slips for over 92 years and now, it seems, Ms Rudd has had enough.

“Time and time again we’ve asked the Windsors to prove they entered the UK legally, and have been working and paying their taxes Continue reading

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Sir Ringo Starr ‘never heard of The Beatles’

“The Who?”

Newly knighted Ringo Starr says he remembers ’k all about the nineteen sixties, let alone who the bands were back then.

“Never heard of him,” he replied when asked whether it had been a long wait to catch up with Paul McCartney in the Honours stakes.

Sir Ringo described his knighthood ceremony as ‘surreal’.

“I went down on one knee and asked the Duke if he’d marry me. Then somebody spoke and I went into a dream.” Continue reading

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Huge gang of professional beggars heading to Windsor

Obviously no spare rooms here.

Homeless people in Windsor say their livelihoods are under threat as rumours circulate of a street-level takeover by a ruthless gang of highly professional beggars.

“The gang all claim to be members of a single yet extraordinarily extended family,” said Windsor Vagrants’ spokesperson Lindsay Tarsal. “What we do know is they use various aliases, often chosen to sound like your local. The Duke of Kent, the Prince of Wales, the Pig and Whistle… oh, hang on, that last one was David Cameron.”

“So now they’re heading down our way and all of a sudden, who would’ve guessed it, lo and behold, what’s their name now, ah, The Windsors of course, poncing about as though they own the place.”

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Never mind the Brexit, here’s the Royal Family

Hooray, now no one has to do any thinking about anything for months.

The entire Cabinet dropped to their knees and wept tears of joy this morning as the National Distraction Machine aka the House of Windsor provided it with a perfect and enduring smokescreen. Continue reading

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Forget nuclear war worries: Wills & Kate have been at it again

Probably a Royal Command Performance

Nuclear holocaust and Brexit worries have been put into perspective by news that William and Kate have had another successful coupling.

Kensington Palace announced Kate’s pregnancy today but have not confirmed which position was used, leading to speculation that the modernising royals may have taken a less traditional approach.

The BBC’s Nicholas Witchell reports that, like its parents, the new foetus is showing a real concern for others, whilst its ability to put people at their ease is very reminiscent of Princess Diana. Continue reading

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Best seat belt awareness campaign ever is twenty today

It only takes a second to be safe and it could’ve saved us from both endless conspiracy theory bulltwang and Paul Burrell ever becoming a thing

Two decades have passed since the nation was brought to a standstill by a very good example of why you should always wear a seat belt.  Continue reading

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Royalist idiots want a say on who is their next hereditary monarch

Laughing Boy is still waiting but will he get the votes?

Recent newspaper polls reveal that a majority of royalists somehow think they should have a say in who next wears the giant diamond and gold hat.

“I’ve been a firm royalist ever since watching the Alf Garnett documentaries” said Harold’s Alec Fairchild, interviewed on behalf of the Daily Express. “Alf really knew his stuff and clearly explained the benefits of the monarchy. No, I can’t actually remember Continue reading

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Fears grow for exhausted hacks constantly churning out Diana articles

‘So tired, can’t brain. Will “Woman who’s been dead for twenty years, still dead” do as a headline?’

The end of August currently seems to be a hundred years away for knackered tabloid journalists ordered to write as much Princess Diana related bobbins as possible day after day. Continue reading

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Queen orders newly retired Prince Philip a shed to get him out from under her feet

Looks like One has just spotted a peasant

Alarmed at no longer being able to simply dispatch her husband to go and open a badger sanctuary whenever he starts getting on the royal tits, the Queen has spent some of our money on buying him a shed to sit in. Continue reading

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Queen abandons royal robes for Queen’s speech, after humble PM borrows them

“The bloody woman still has my crown”

The Queen will not wear ceremonial robes in Parliament today, partly because she’s going on to Ascott later but mainly because Mrs May hasn’t returned them.

The PM apparently borrowed them to rehearse her own “promise to work with humility and resolve” speech in front of her bathroom mirror and refuses to hand them back.

“Her Majesty has always appreciated haute couture,” said a Downing Street spokeman “sorry, did I say Her Majesty? I meant the Prime Minister.” Continue reading

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Wills responds to ‘workshy’ press criticism: “I’m a Prince, dur…”

“Oh and skiing, I love skiing too”

Prince William says he doesn’t have to do any work at all if he doesn’t feel like it.

“I’m second in line to the throne, do you see?” He explained to a meeting of Fleet Street editors today. “That’s how it is with a monarchy, I was sure you’d all know.”

“Didn’t any of you study British Constitution at school? I was going to take it at A level but learned all I needed to know at GCSE. It was brilliant, my favourite subject.”

“The thing is” the Prince went on Continue reading

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Pensioners who can’t afford to turn on heating delighted by Buckingham Palace’s £389m refurbishment


“OMG! Best news evar!”

The oldest and most vulnerable in our society are happy that one of them, an elderly lady known only as Mrs E. Windsor is having her house refurbished at tax payers expense. Continue reading

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Shadowy Windsor family exposed in multi-generational benefit scam


Brown envelopes seem more appropriate but Bacs transfer will have to do

Whilst her former flunkey, Ronald Harper begins a five-stretch, over a trifling £100K bung, 90 year-old Elizabeth Windsor has dodged prosecution again, despite pocketing that amount and more, weekly, for over sixty years.

Based on nothing more than Mrs Windsor popping out of the right vagina in the early 20th century, a web of her relatives, many of them German or Greek immigrants, has taken advantage of the UK’s generous social security system ever since. Continue reading


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Morrissey expecting “major ker-ching” when Queen dies

Former Smiths front-man Steven “Morrissey” Morrissey spends his days quietly scanning the Times obituary columns for news of Queen Elizabeth II, knowing that when she finally does pass away, his 1986 Album ‘The Queen is Dead’ will most likely be swept to number 1 by a sombre, patriotic nation.

Morrissey practising his mournful look

Morrissey practising his mournful look

“We [The Smiths] toyed with the idea of a perennial Christmas song, like Mariah Carey and Wham did, but the market was a bit crowded, so ‘How Soon is Christmas?’ eventually became the track we all know as ‘How Soon is Now?’, and ‘Santa in a Coma’ just got binned,” chirped the happy-go-lucky crooner.

“Then Johnny [Marr] said we should put down a track that played the long game – a little retirement bonus for us if you will – and we bounced around some ideas for blue ocean strategies, where we would be guaranteed to be the go-to track when some inevitable future event happened.”

That track was ‘The Queen is Dead’, and the album of the same name became one of the defining albums of the eighties, but Morrissey expects a revival of its success when the Queen finally does die.

Morrissey points to the boost Prince got when 1999 eventually happened, and the windfall enjoyed by The Primitives following the death of Princess Diana, and chuckles, “This is one set of royalties I’m really looking forward to.”

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Stamp Granny at 90: top facts about HM’s reign

Is this her O face?

Is this her O face?

1. Is frequently found in Windsor Castle corridors drunk and yelling “Fuck Magna Carta, I want a real go.”

2. Is the only monarch in the 20th century to have beaten a pope at Hungry Hippos (Pope Paul VI 1972).

3. Has completed all Panini football sticker books since 1976 apart from 1982 when Charles refused to swap a Kenny Dalglish with her.

4. Was involved in a hot threesome with Elton John and David Furnish, although the newspapers are still not allowed to report on the matter.

5. Is the undefeated champion of Trivial Pursuit in the Crowned Heads of Europe League, and seven times winner in the World Monarch Championships.<!–more–>

6. Was the original choice to front the eponymous rock band, before being pipped at the post by Freddie Mercury following a tense Queen-off.

7. When playing chess, does not allow her opponent to use a Queen. As such she is undefeated.

8. Had breast augmentation for when she used to pole dance on the Royal Yacht Britannia’s summer cruises

9. Was a huge fan of 80s group Devo and their hit ‘Whip It’, performing her own dance interpretation at Palace garden parties.

10. Is the owner of the world’s longest fossilised dog turd.
Measuring in at a whopping 39″ in length, the turd is believed to have been laid by a royal ancestor’s Wolfhound.

11. Owns an 8′ Anaconda named Nagini which is trained to suppress all opposing views held by mortal enemies. It also doubles as one of her Horcruxes.
12. Has never got bored of hearing the national anthem. And wishes that everyone still sang all the verses.

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