Rabbits everywhere plan to mark the death of Watership Down author Richard Adams by having sex enthusiastically all day, it has been revealed.
Adams died on Christmas Eve aged 96. His famous rabbit novel, first published in 1972, became one of the bestselling children’s books of all time, selling tens of millions of copies.
As the sad news sunk in, burrows and warrens across the country fell silent today, apart from the faint sound of frenzied bunny intercourse.
“It’s a sad blow for all of us,” said Cowpat, a four-year-old buck from a warren near Honiton in Devon.
“I personally plan to commemorate his passing by shagging anything that moves until I fall asleep, after which I’ll nibble a carrot and start again.”
“It’s what he would have wanted. This one’s for you Richard! And this one. And this one.”
Buttock, a two-year-old white doe from Sussex, added: “My heart has joined the thousand, for my friend stopped running today.”
“Fancy a shag?”
Former Smiths front-man Steven “Morrissey” Morrissey spends his days quietly scanning the Times obituary columns for news of Queen Elizabeth II, knowing that when she finally does pass away, his 1986 Album ‘The Queen is Dead’ will most likely be swept to number 1 by a sombre, patriotic nation.
Morrissey practising his mournful look
“We [The Smiths] toyed with the idea of a perennial Christmas song, like Mariah Carey and Wham did, but the market was a bit crowded, so ‘How Soon is Christmas?’ eventually became the track we all know as ‘How Soon is Now?’, and ‘Santa in a Coma’ just got binned,” chirped the happy-go-lucky crooner.
“Then Johnny [Marr] said we should put down a track that played the long game – a little retirement bonus for us if you will – and we bounced around some ideas for blue ocean strategies, where we would be guaranteed to be the go-to track when some inevitable future event happened.”
That track was ‘The Queen is Dead’, and the album of the same name became one of the defining albums of the eighties, but Morrissey expects a revival of its success when the Queen finally does die.
Morrissey points to the boost Prince got when 1999 eventually happened, and the windfall enjoyed by The Primitives following the death of Princess Diana, and chuckles, “This is one set of royalties I’m really looking forward to.”
EXTras in all his glory…
Cricket Australia have just announced that enigmatic young batsman E. X. Tras will be Michael Clarke’s replacement as Australia’s captain with immediate effect, after making the highest score of all the Australian batsmen in the fourth Test at Trent Bridge.
“Young Tras has done remarkably well to break into the team’s top scorers so quickly,” confirmed Chairman of Selectors Rod Marsh. “Many people might not even be aware that EXTras is now far and away the most skilful player in the team, so meteoric has been his rise.”
EXTras shocked the cricket world after scoring a massive 14 runs in the first innings at Trent Bridge, an impressive fourteen times the amount amassed by former star player Adam Voges, or, if you like, infinity times the total for Rogers, Warner and Marsh combined. It is thought that no player has ever eclipsed his team-mates so thoroughly, but to be honest we’re laughing too much to check.
When asked if EXTras was really that good, or whether his rise was instead merely a symptom of a disastrously poor Australian team, Marsh bristled with anger, before collapsing into tears and blaming the bigger boys for spoiling everything.
Meanwhile, Australian cheerleader Shane Warne has announced controversially that private study of his family tree has revealed that he was actually born in Eastbourne.
Filed under Obituary, Sport
Fangs for the memory …
The inconvenience of death will not interrupt the amazing career of Christopher Lee who, according to his agent, was signed up to star in a Zombie blockbuster movie only moments after the announcement of his undeath from supernatural causes.
“For many actors, stepping over to the other side is something of a setback to their career, but for Christopher, it will be business as usual,” said his agent Morticia De’ath. “The offers have been flooding in since news of his demise came through.” Continue reading
The death of novelist Ruth Rendell has prompted a police investigation after a suggestion on Twitter that her death may the work of serial killer, following the recent death of her friend, bestselling author PD James.
“It sounds like an unlikely plot from one of their own novels, but it is true that our enquires were prompted by a social media report,” confirmed a uniformed police commissioner, whose only apparent qualification for his exalted position seemed to be an ability to panic in the face of a hostile press; and thus provide an object of scorn for the investigating officers.
“The killer is at large, but there is no need to panic, unless you are the author of character based crime fiction set in the UK with a quirky but well-meaning police inspector as the hero,” he continued. Continue reading
“We couldn’t work it out”
The death of John Lennon’s first wife, Joni marks the end of an era when the Beatle WAGS – Joni, Jane, Patti and the other one – were almost as famous as the Fab Four themselves.
However the glamorous life was not for Joni. Although the sixties were swinging all around her, Joni spent much of the time miserably hiding from the limelight due to an unusual aversion to citrus fruit.
Although Joni often said her Beatle husband had never written her a soppy love song, it is believed that he wrote “She’s so Heavy” towards the end of her first pregnancy when Joni was expecting their son, Julian. The couple went on to have 3 more children together – Dick, George, and Anne – before he left her for Japanese artist Yo! Sushi. Continue reading