Tag Archives: homeless

Huge gang of professional beggars heading to Windsor

Obviously no spare rooms here.

Homeless people in Windsor say their livelihoods are under threat as rumours circulate of a street-level takeover by a ruthless gang of highly professional beggars.

“The gang all claim to be members of a single yet extraordinarily extended family,” said Windsor Vagrants’ spokesperson Lindsay Tarsal. “What we do know is they use various aliases, often chosen to sound like your local. The Duke of Kent, the Prince of Wales, the Pig and Whistle… oh, hang on, that last one was David Cameron.”

“So now they’re heading down our way and all of a sudden, who would’ve guessed it, lo and behold, what’s their name now, ah, The Windsors of course, poncing about as though they own the place.”

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Filed under Around Harold, charity, Housing, Royals, Society

Prince William set to open his house for homeless heroes at Christmas

Veteran John Horse samples the Royal lager collection.

Veteran John Horse samples the Royal lager collection.

Homeless charities have welcomed the news that the Duke of Cambridge is to provide shelter for servicemen and women who have fallen on hard times after serving their country in the armed forces.

Speaking yesterday in support of a newspaper appeal, Prince William, who himself served in the front line plucking stranded adventurers off the treacherous cliffs of Wales in his  helicopter, Budgie, said:

“I am so concerned about the number of heroes who have struggled to adapt to civilian life and wound up sleeping rough in our cities, that for once instead of just lecturing you, I’m actually going to do something myself and open the doors of my vast London home at Christmas to these wretched people. I’m going to feed them, clothe them and offer them trained support to help them get their lives back on track.” Continue reading

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Filed under charity, Christmas, News, Royals

Pope discovers niqab is perfect disguise when secretly feeding the homeless


Pope Francis: his first attempt at disguising himself by wearing a sheep was bobbins

Since he moved into the Vatican a year ago today there have been unconfirmed reports that Pope Francis is sneaking out at night to give food and comfort to the homeless. Cynics have wondered how a man so instantly recognisable has been able to do this undetected however the mystery has been solved by the revelation that the pope is wearing a niqab.

“It’s the perfect disguise,” said Vatican spokesman Cardinal Carlo Crivelli. “No one ever really looks at the homeless and a lot of people avert their eyes when they see a woman wearing the niqab so this is a win-win for Papa Francesco.”

Reaching out to the homeless is one of the many things about Pope Francis which unsettles his critics along with his rejection of intense papal bling, and seeming to be quite nice.

Harold resident Cassie Fine spoke for many when she said “It’s confusing having a genuinely good man as pope. It’s not that I want Pope Francis not to be but if he suddenly turned out to be a massive bastard then that would conform to my world view. I’d be relieved in the same way I was when it became obvious that Obama wasn’t going to save the world but bomb more of it. It was crap but expected just like The One Show.”

Now Pope Francis’ cover has been blown the world is waiting to see if any other religious leaders will be revealed to be carrying out good deeds in disguise prompting Paddy Power to offer odds of 5-1 that the Dalai Lama is Batman.

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Filed under News, Religion