Pope Francis has confirmed that contraception is sometimes ok if it prevents a greater evil, eg the conception and subsequent spreading of Donald Trump.
“Avoiding pregnancy is not an absolute evil, so contraception can be justified if it prevents babies being born with Trumpephaly, ie very large heads, bad hair, but no discernible brains” said the Pontiff during a visit to Mexico.
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Pope Francis has cut a trip to Tacloban in the Philippines short so he can avoid Tropical Storm Mekkhala, leading some to question his faith in God to keep him safe.
“You would have thought he is the one person in the world God would want to look after,” one of the faithful braving the weather to see the pontiff said.
“I mean, it’s not like he is an evil person, or an innocent African child or anyone else God always seems to pick on; he’s the Pope.”
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You can smell the real thing. This is solid silver, put it back in the safe
Pope Francis has condemned what he called the Mafia’s adoration of evil, saying the gangsters were now effectively excommunicated in the eyes of the Church.
A notoriously dangerous criminal organisation, with complex financial structures and a vast network of agents across world, the Catholic Church is keen to preserve its status as Italy’s ‘Number 1’. Continue reading
Tense times: diplomats fear that Prince Philip will not heed their warnings and insist on telling his Belgrano joke.
It should have been a pleasant occasion, two amiable old pensioners, who both believe in God, massive wealth, splendid ceremonial outfits and the undemocratic retention of power, sharing a pot of Earl Grey and a bit of gossip. Unfortunately it has been announced that Prince Philip will be accompanying the Queen to her meeting with Pope Francis at the Vatican this afternoon.
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Pope Francis: his first attempt at disguising himself by wearing a sheep was bobbins
Since he moved into the Vatican a year ago today there have been unconfirmed reports that Pope Francis is sneaking out at night to give food and comfort to the homeless. Cynics have wondered how a man so instantly recognisable has been able to do this undetected however the mystery has been solved by the revelation that the pope is wearing a niqab.
“It’s the perfect disguise,” said Vatican spokesman Cardinal Carlo Crivelli. “No one ever really looks at the homeless and a lot of people avert their eyes when they see a woman wearing the niqab so this is a win-win for Papa Francesco.”
Reaching out to the homeless is one of the many things about Pope Francis which unsettles his critics along with his rejection of intense papal bling, and seeming to be quite nice.
Harold resident Cassie Fine spoke for many when she said “It’s confusing having a genuinely good man as pope. It’s not that I want Pope Francis not to be but if he suddenly turned out to be a massive bastard then that would conform to my world view. I’d be relieved in the same way I was when it became obvious that Obama wasn’t going to save the world but bomb more of it. It was crap but expected just like The One Show.”
Now Pope Francis’ cover has been blown the world is waiting to see if any other religious leaders will be revealed to be carrying out good deeds in disguise prompting Paddy Power to offer odds of 5-1 that the Dalai Lama is Batman.
Back from the dead?
The Pope, 77, was seen in difficulties shortly after the start of the service and had to cut his sermon down to a mere 75 minutes.
Questions about his health have seriously raised the possibility of the return of Pope Benedict who resigned the papacy only last year, ironically due to health issues. Vatican insiders have suggested that Francis may be forced to take a break whilst he regains his strength, which has paved the way for a symbolic resurrection for Benedict in time for Easter.
Whilst Francis was portrayed as a vigorous youth when compared with his predecessor, it has to be acknowledged that in civilian life he would be regarded as an old codger who spends most of his time in post office queues grumbling about Eastern Europeans. Continue reading
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Pope Francis has been named Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year”, narrowly beating of competition from others on the short list, including Syrian president and alleged war criminal Bashir al-Assad.
The head of the Roman Catholic church has been praised for the way he has pulled “the papacy out of the palace and into the streets” before retreating back in to palace and having some if the finest possessions and food known to man, managing director Nancy Gibbs explained.
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Is he the Pope though? Or is he top actor Jonathan Pryce having a laugh?
In a long interview with Italian journal La Civilta Cattolica Pope Francis outlined his plans to modernise the Roman Catholic church saying that it must appeal to those who “do not attend mass, who have quit or are indifferent” and to that end announced that he is teaming up with sinister pop-svengali Simon Cowell.
“Simon is the obvious choice to help the church enter the new century,” said Pope Francis. Cleverly not specifying which century although the smart money is on the sixteenth. “He has ratings like the church can only dream of. And I heard that he literally shits gold.” Continue reading
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Pope attributes his softening to age.
Pope Francis has revealed a softening on the Vatican’s homosexual position, insisting ‘you shouldn’t knock it until you’ve at least given it a try’.
Reflecting changing views in society and a new, more fluffy form of catholicism, the 266th Pope admitted he was partial to the odd ‘pink pound’.
“It’s a question of balance and including as many people as possible”, suggested His Holiness. “I’d be glad to be gay, although I draw the line at letting someone pop it in.”
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