Queen abandons royal robes for Queen’s speech, after humble PM borrows them

“The bloody woman still has my crown”

The Queen will not wear ceremonial robes in Parliament today, partly because she’s going on to Ascott later but mainly because Mrs May hasn’t returned them.

The PM apparently borrowed them to rehearse her own “promise to work with humility and resolve” speech in front of her bathroom mirror and refuses to hand them back.

“Her Majesty has always appreciated haute couture,” said a Downing Street spokeman “sorry, did I say Her Majesty? I meant the Prime Minister.”

Shortly before the general election, Downing Street insisted the posh dressing-up set needed routine maintenance and that Mrs May would then test drive them to check they were running well. “The gown was lengthened, obviously, but the biggest problem was finding enough gold at short notice to increase the circumference of the crown, to fit Mrs May’s head.”

“Although when we checked on June 9th, it did seem a looser fit.”

Officials have been unable to retrieve the robes as  Mrs May has worn them constantly, even at tea time or when eating chocolate biscuits and ice cream.