“How will we support three children when neither of has a job?” Wonders Kate
The Home Secretary, Amber Rudd says that just as soon as the new royal baby is named he will be deported. Despite being asked repeatedly, none of the Windsor family has come up with any pay slips for over 92 years and now, it seems, Ms Rudd has had enough.
“Time and time again we’ve asked the Windsors to prove they entered the UK legally, and have been working and paying their taxes Continue reading
Residents in Baltimore have been out in force celebrating the Duchess of Cambridge’s admission into Hospital.
“Nothing brings an oppressed community together like the impending birth of an over privileged white child” one protester said.
“At least I’ve more hair than my Dad”
There was shock and disappointment amongst Royal well-wishers when it emerged that the hundreds of thousands birthday cards sent to Prince George are never actually seen by the Royals.
Caught off guard after an afternoon stocktaking in the Royal cellars, a loose tongued flunky revealed a number of secrets from the Royal household to our undercover Evening Harold reporter.
“Those well-meaning morons think their cards are personally opened by William and Kate in with baby George chewing the envelopes and gurgling with delight,” he told us. Continue reading
The Duchess of Cambridge has spent the first day of her official trip to Australia continuing to quash the rumours that she may be pregnant.
The rumours started when she was handed a baby shawl from a well wisher and when thanking them said “you may need to make another one soon, we are at it like inbreds”.
After a brief wine tasting session failed to dispel talk of pregnancy, she decided to use being in Australia as an opportunity to get absolutely rat-arsed and completely let herself go, just to prove a point. Continue reading
Kensington Palace has announced that as part of his ongoing ‘King’ training, Prince George will join the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge on a first-class, all expenses paid trip to New Zealand and Australia.
“It’s not like he had anything else to to,” a palace spokesman told us.
“At the moment he just kind of sits there in a bouncy throne, with people feeding him and wiping his arse, and generally doing not a lot. So all in all his king training is going much better than we could have expected.”
Some are seeing this as yet another example of the Royal Family modernising with the parents of a royal child actually choosing to have him around.
In his fist newspaper interview since his wife gave birth to baby George, Prince William has described to a world full of Mothers and Fathers what it is like to be a parent.
Speaking about the first nappy change, William explained how he coped with the experience. “I found that it is harder than it looks, and it took me quite some time to remember the nanny’s number. That said, once I had summoned her she was very good. She even let us leave the room so we could avoid any nasty odours.”
Young royals warned not to sheikh the baby
Following today’s launch of ‘The Sun’s royal baby monitor’, a live camera feed from outside St Mary’s Hospital, the News Group (formally News International) paper has announced how they are going to use their unique reporting methods to bring unrivalled access to the royal birth.
“Great reporters, amazing technology, and dubious moral values mean we can bring you the royal birth from the first contraction right through to long lens picture of the royal baby’s first suckle” editor David Dinsmore told readers. Continue reading