Following today’s launch of ‘The Sun’s royal baby monitor’, a live camera feed from outside St Mary’s Hospital, the News Group (formally News International) paper has announced how they are going to use their unique reporting methods to bring unrivalled access to the royal birth.
“Great reporters, amazing technology, and dubious moral values mean we can bring you the royal birth from the first contraction right through to long lens picture of the royal baby’s first suckle” editor David Dinsmore told readers.
“Our investigators have managed to get unprecedented access to the royal doctors’ voice mail meaning the minute they get the heads up, so do you. Who said after the phone hacking scandal we wouldn’t get the message? This proves we do get the message, it’s just a little harder to get these days”
He went on to explain that his reporters have also made arrangements for any email sent to a royal account will be forwarded to them, then tweeted to all of their readers. He did admit some people may find this sort of tactic unpalatable but promised that he would do all he can to ensure an apology is put at the bottom of page 16 before the baby’s first birthday.
“Some people think that we are desperately trying to get attention on the back of a young couple’s joy, but we have actually been planning for this longer than they have” Mr Dinsmore continued.
“When our readers get to see the pictures from the delivery suite, they’ll appreciate the effort we have gone to. Since The News of the World closed down, we have spent thousands of pounds and a few years training Mazher Mahmood to become a ‘fake sheikh midwife’.”