Kate steps up attempts to quash pregnancy rumours

chav kateThe Duchess of Cambridge has spent the first day of her official trip to Australia continuing to quash the rumours that she may be pregnant.

The rumours started when she was handed a baby shawl from a well wisher and when thanking them said “you may need to make another one soon, we are at it like inbreds”.

After a brief wine tasting session failed to dispel talk of pregnancy, she decided to use being in Australia as an opportunity to get absolutely rat-arsed and completely let herself go, just to prove a point.

“We waited for three hours to see Wills and Kate,” one flag waving royal stalker told us. “She always looks so elegant and princess-like. So we were a bit surprised to see her fall out of the Limo with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth and a bottle of Fosters in her hand.”

To leave the public in no doubt about the occupancy state of the royal womb, Kate invited the press to a charity BBQ, where reporters were told to expect a subtle hint that she was not expecting another baby.

“Within one hour she had downed a case of beer, smoked eight fags and and ate nothing but just-defrosted sausages,” a reporter at the event said.

“She then started throwing up in the pool, headbutting anyone that suggested it was morning sickness.”

The party was brought to an abrupt halt when she shouted “would a pregnant woman do this” and set about beating the living shit out of Shane Warne.

After wrestling on the floor with the perfectly preened Warne for 20 minutes, the royal household have confirmed they are waiting on the result of a pregnancy test.

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