Animals the world over are happier than a Boris Johnson with two dicks now that they’ve got the planet back. “It’s ace and skill,” said Manky Kevin, a spokesbadger for Harold’s mustelidae community. “With you lot out of the way us animals can do our thing without being hunted, run over or getting Attenboroughed. We love Sir David really but he’s a lot. Okay, occasionally it’s fun to do something spectacular for the camera but sometimes one just wants to be left alone to groom one’s jumble-giblets or contemplate the infinite over a week old chicken carcass one dragged out of a bin.” “We’re hearing that some of you don’t like being shut away and are getting bored, maybe even a bit distressed,” added his colleague, Furry Rita. “I’ll be sure to mention that to my friends in the zoo once I’ve stopped laughing.” “We’re going to be launching a change.org petition soon for all animals to sign calling for it to be made law that humans are kept in their homes forever,” she said. “We anticipate it’ll be a great success as soon as one of us learns how to type.”
The million or so women who took to the streets to protest against Donald Trump should have marched in Saudi Arabia instead because things are even worse there, according to idiots on Facebook.
The protests have arisen from a widespread repugnance at Trump’s racism, aggression and abuse of women, but that doesn’t count because in some other countries they have stoning, idiots argue.
“I think they’ve got a nerve,” announced Steve Goughlin of somewhere in Ohio probably. “Don’t they know that women get badly treated somewhere else? Why aren’t they there? Pussies.”
When it was pointed out to idiots that this meant no-one could ever protest against anything unless they were in the worst situation in the world, idiots disagreed.
“Not just this world!” clarified Goughlin. “Why, according to the many-universes multiverse hypothesis, there’s a planet in some random dimension where all the women are eaten alive by badgers EVERY DAY!”
“And when you ask why these women aren’t protesting there, they just don’t have an answer.”
Casting aside his opponent’s offer of a role as party president, Mr Corbyn has told Owen Smith that when, sorry if, he is re-elected as party leader, his erstwhile challenger will be given a new honourary position of his own; that of dominated rubber clad party bitch. Continue reading →
Maybe it’ll involve badgers. We hope so, they’re ace
As the world continues its headlong rush towards the pit labelled ‘unceasing bobbins’ people are consoling themselves with the fact that something nice is surely going to occur at some point. Maybe. P’raps. Yeah?
“I reckon it’s like roulette,” local councillor Nina O’Neill told us. “After lots of red, you’re due a black and up it always comes. That isn’t how numbers and physical objects work? Oh, we’re buggered then.” Continue reading →
The first bearded shadow front bench MP since Ann Widdecombe.
In a bid to kick UK political stability firmly in the nuts while the country tries to recover from an unusually bad bout of stupid; the Parliamentary Labour Party has decided that it can’t allow Jeremy Corbyn to remain as its most popular leader in a generation.
“There’s no room for selfless demonstrations of moral integrity in the modern Labour Party” said former shadow foreign secretary and twatfumbling cumblanket Hilary Benn. Continue reading →
Albert Renfew, who died last night after being chased and eaten to death by an enormous badger made of cheese, was ‘living the dream’, friends have confirmed.
Renfrew, who possessed the unusual ability of having his dreams manifest as physical objects, was killed by the grotesque cheesy mammal in front of screaming shoppers in the High Street of the English village of Harold.
Sadly, Renfrew had long been plagued with bizarre, violent dreams involving dairy-mutated animal aggression.
“We were always telling Albert that it’s so important to make your dreams come true,” explained one friend today, “But we had no idea his dreams were so horrible.”
Authorities have pointed out that living the dream is still perfectly safe for most people, and have reassured the public that anyone who does not typically dream about huge slavering cheddar animals should be perfectly safe.
“For most of us,” explained an expert, “Dreams are associated with fame, vast wealth and the lumpy bits on the front of women. I know mine are.”
“Giant violent cheese badgers, on the other hand, are the sort of dream which should be lived under no circumstances.”
“We would advise anyone experiencing these sort of dreams to tread Caerphilly.”
Hippety hoppity rap singer and renowned expert in cartography and basic astrophysics, B.o.B has amused and amazed his fans on social media recently by declaring his belief that the world is flat. Continue reading →
The atmosphere was electric. Probably all the nylon.
Following the successful remake of 1970’s classics such as The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin, Poldark and a militant left wing Labour Party, the BBC has announced that it is to reboot the 1979 BBC Election special as a 10 part serial. Continue reading →
‘I’m going to write to Watchdog, blah, blah, blahdy blah….’
Breaking with years of well established tradition Mrs Fiona Warburton of Harold managed to complain to EDF about the accuracy of her energy bills without once mentioning her elderly mother’s advanced Alzheimer’s or her daughter’s terminal leukaemia. Continue reading →
The rapid increase in the number of click bait related deaths has led top neurologist Dr William Fish to call for immediate action to curb the practice.
He blames the recent growth in deaths by ‘blown minds’ on social media posts which offer to ‘shock, stun or amaze’ the most vulnerable, sad, gullible and pathetically easy to amuse members of society. Continue reading →
David Cameron’s forehead is to be sent to the Syrian border camps to collect the 20,000 additional refugees the UK government has agreed to let live.
Aid agencies had been struggling to find a vessel large enough and empty enough to transport the refugees, and have welcomed the use of Mr Cameron’s forehead while he’s not using it. Continue reading →