Tag Archives: BBC

by | January 31, 2019 · 12:02 pm

BBC reports May to be dropped on Brussels from Lancaster bomber

The BBC has blamed “human error” for a suggestion on its News at Six that Theresa May would be delivered to Brussels for Brexit talks by being dropped from a second world war Lancaster Bomber.

But the explanation has been greeted with anger by many who saw the incident as an promise of exactly what ought to happen.

At the end of Wednesday’s evening programme viewers were shown black and white footage of the iconic planes as newsreader Sophie Raworth summarised the prime minister’s plan to reopen Brexit talks with EU leaders.

In a computer-generated montage, Theresa May was released from the vintage plane’s bomb launch bay, to fall thousands of feet onto the unforgiving stone roofs of the picturesque Belgian capital.

“I feel cheated,” explained TV viewer R. M. Renfield of the village of Harold. “We were given a glimpse of the Prime Minister being jettisoned a mile above dry land, and I think that’s what people voted for. Bastards.”

The BBC has blamed a training error for the incorrect clip being shown, and explained that it had intended merely to show doctored footage implying that Jeremy Corbyn is some kind of commie, with that hat and everything.

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by | September 21, 2018 · 1:20 am

Hard Brexit to be broadcast in soft focus, BBC confirms

Should’ve gone to Specsavers

With a no-deal exit from the EU looming, the BBC is preparing to switch back to analogue signals, broadcasting on a UHF channel in 625 lines, to help soften the harsh reality.

“We’ve still got a 1940s valve microphone which has a rich, warm tone.  Coupled with the low image resolution of analogue broadcasting, we are ready to take the edge off the hardest of Brexits,” the BBC reassured Mrs May.

“You’ll need a Cathode Ray TV set and an X-shaped aerial,” says our media correspondent, “or you can download the app, Bygone Replicator, to turn your digital device off for you.” Continue reading →

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by | July 19, 2017 · 8:19 pm

Outrage as Bill Oddie revealed as BBC’s top earner

Owls of protest, but no egrets

There has been shock and anger from members of the public and other Goodies after the BBC revealed today that William “Bill” Oddie is its highest-paid performer, currently on £14 million per year despite not having had a BBC show since 2008.

Many people expected details of stars’ salaries to seem excessive, but few were prepared for the riches lavished on the lesser-spotted Oddie by a grateful BBC after a string of wildly successful bird-watching shows over the last 200 years.

BBC chairman  Sir David Clementi defended Oddie’s pay, insisting: “We love Bill. The public loves Bill, and quite frankly £14 million a year is nothing, if it stops him going off and making higher-budget bird-watching programmes for Amazon.”

Lifelong BBC fan Jeremy Clarkson admitted that Oddie was “value for money” after the raft of successes the performer has brought to the channel over the years.

“If I’m honest, Bill was the reason I left the old Beeb,” he admitted this morning. “I knew deep down I’d never be able to compete, he’s always going to be the top guy. Look at all the shows – The Goodies, Bananaman, all the bird-watching stuff, obviously, and that one where they were all nudists. Was that him, or Keith Chegwin?”

“I was always so jealous, he was always the one who got all the birds.”

Former Goodie Tim-Brooke Taylor refused to comment, saying only: “If he’s worth that, then I’m a teapot.”

“And I am a teapot.”

Posting on Twitter, a spokesperson for Bill Oddie played down the huge salary, insisting it was “chickenfeed”, before adding nervously: “No, really, that’s what he uses it for. I’ve tried to stop him.”

“It was worse when we thought he was funneling all the cash into a hedge fund. Turns out it was a hedge.”

 

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by | June 25, 2017 · 7:08 am

Left-leaning BBC reports Corbyn’s speech at Glastonbury but ignores Mrs May’s at Bekonscot model village

PM’s inspiring speech to dozens of plaster figurines, simply ignored by BBC

In a clear display of media bias, the BBC fawned over Jeremy Corbyn’s ramblings to a mere hundred thousand hippies at an obscure “music festival” but ignored Theresa May’s inspiring message to dozens of plaster figurines at a well-known model village.

Plaster villagers holding cute little Vote Conservative posters, stood in silence, as if transfixed, while the PM reprised her finest speeches Continue reading →

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by | September 26, 2016 · 7:00 am

Channel 4 suspicious about new BBC show ‘Bake British Great Off’

great off

Strangely familiar

Executives at Channel 4 have reacted with ‘suspicion’ to the announcement that the BBC is to launch a new cookery competition featuring Mary Berry, Sue Perkins and Mel Giedroyc.

Called the ‘Bake British Great Off’, details of the new show are being kept tightly under wraps by the BBC, but it is believed that members of the public will compete to bake cakes in a tent.

“On the face of it, this does sound rather similar to the thing we thought we’d just bought,” admitted Channel 4 boss Jay Hunt. “They have all the same people, baking cakes, in a tent. Even the name seems familiar. We may have missed a trick here.”

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by | September 14, 2016 · 4:18 am

Idiots can’t cope with idea of pressing 4 instead of 1 to watch cake show

Programme Name: Great British Bake Off - TX: n/a - Episode: n/a (No. n/a) - Embargoed for publication until: 13/08/2013 - Picture Shows: Paul Hollywood, Mary Berry - (C) Love Productions - Photographer: Des Willie

Two white people, Union Flags and fattening food. There’s enough here to keep Guardian columnists fretting for weeks.

The nation is being rent asunder by howls of outrage as people try to grasp the concept of watching a TV show on another channel.

“I just can’t do it,” said local Bake Off fan Jane Hough. “Switching to four instead of one, what fresh hell is this? That’s the whole thing ruined for me now. I won’t watch at all, it’s easier.” Continue reading →

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by | September 1, 2016 · 2:40 pm

Porn fans’ relief: on-line TV licence fees apply only to BBC

ankles

That’s a relief

Seventeen year old porn-enthusiast, Simon Delaney says it’s a huge relief that new TV licencing laws will only affect BBC viewers.

Sitting on his sofa, cashmere sweater round his shoulders and lightweight cotton trousers round his ankles, Delaney says he doesn’t watch much television but will now pull out of watching any BBC channels.

“I’m upset the new rules apply straight away, though. I’d planned to watch Versailles in the long winter evenings and slow down some of the action scenes. Continue reading →

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by | March 22, 2016 · 7:00 am

Pro-EU UKIPpers “gagged” in run-up to referendum, say sources

farage_braying

Is there something worrying lurking beneath something worrying?

“UKIP claims their members are one in purpose” says Newsnight’s Emily Maitlis “but it beggars belief that they all think the same on a matter as important as the EU referendum”.

A BBC Newsnight investigation, to be screened on Wednesday, reveals a likely conspiracy amongst leading members of UKIP. While other parties allow their parliamentary party free rein to support the “In” and “Out” campaigns according to their conscience, Maitlis notes that “UKIPs MP remains suspiciously unanimous in his support for leaving the EU”. Continue reading →

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by | January 31, 2016 · 1:13 pm

Terry Wogan to be given authentic Viking burial

A giant among men

Much-beloved broadcaster Terry Wogan, who sadly died today, will be put to rest at sea in the traditional Viking fashion, strapped to a burning longboat surrounded by flaming barrels of tar, food offerings to the Gods and a genuine Blankety-Blank Chequebook and Pen.

Wogan made his BBC debut on the Light Programme (now Radio 2) before raiding the East Coast of Scotland with a hundred crazed men, leaving the streets drenched crimson with the blood of his enemies.

He took over the breakfast show on Radio 2, and was an immediate hit. His laid-back charm and quick gentle humour made him a perfect choice to present the BBC’s coverage of the Eurovision Song Contest for many years from 1971. Highlights from this time are too many to mention, but few can forget the celebrated incident in 2001 when he slaughtered the two Danish hosts, Soren Pilmark and Natasja Crone in a fight to the death on a hill outside Brussels, stark naked save for the BBC logo daubed in woad on both buttocks.

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by | December 27, 2015 · 6:33 am

BBC’s Dickensian more confusing than Enigma code

Capture

At last a Dickens character we recognise. Good old Inspector Javert

BBC One has blown the nation’s minds with Dickensian, a lavish 20-part drama that’s more confusing than a riddle wrapped in the Enigma code inside a clue from 3-2-1.

“I thought it would be a fun story featuring the most famous Dickens characters,” said viewer Ange Harris. “But it’s unfathomable. Who are the Barbarys, what’s a Captain Hawdon, and am I allowed to laugh at the name Fanny Biggetywitch?” Continue reading →

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by | November 18, 2015 · 1:46 pm

BBC retains rights to pocket billiards

Lineker warming up.

Lineker, wearing his helmet.

In a coup for the corporation, the BBC has managed to beat off some stiff competition, and retain the rights to pocket billiards.

Despite facing the loss of football, Formula 1, rugby, cricket, MotoGP, the boat race, the Grand National, darts and snooker, pocket billiards remains firmly in Auntie’s grasp.

“They’ve asked me to do they commentary”, said Gary Lineker, while jingling some change.”It’s not my speciality, but I think I can pull it off.”
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by | November 16, 2015 · 12:00 pm

BBC to remake the classic 1979 Election Special.

_47728604_79_election_presenters

The atmosphere was electric. Probably all the nylon.

Following the successful remake of 1970’s classics such as The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin, Poldark and a militant left wing Labour Party, the BBC has announced that it is to reboot the 1979 BBC Election special as a 10 part serial. Continue reading →

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by | September 16, 2015 · 11:21 am

Producers of ‘Who Do You Think You Are?’ regret asking Prince Harry

Chinned and ginger, just like dad.

Chinned and ginger, just like dad.

Prince Harry will not appear on the popular genealogy show ‘Who Do You Think You Are?’, a coroner for one of the producers has confirmed.

Despite being third in line for the throne, Harry Windsor has a noticeable jaw and some hair left. The BBC family tree programme will not be finding out why.

“We don’t think anyone’s that interested”, said a researcher through the telecom of their panic room. “That’s what the director said, just before he stabbed himself in the back.”

Advances in technology now allow a person’s DNA to be identified from a cheek swab in a matter of minutes.

Sadly, Prince Harry is incapable of producing saliva, revealed the widow of the show’s technical consultant.
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by | September 8, 2015 · 12:38 pm

No trust left after BBC’s ‘Fake or Fortune’ revealed as a fake

Fake or Fortune.

Bremner, Bird and Fortune

The nation’s sense of trust in the BBC has reached an all-time low, following the revelation that its flagship art valuation program Fake or Fortune is itself a complete fake.

The program features a gullible member of the public who has bought a work of art by a famous artist at a massive discount because the work has not yet been authenticated. It’s Fiona Bruce’s job to trace the work’s history across Europe and establish the all-important provenance. The gullible owner is excited by the prospect of a genuine work worth millions, but ends the program in tears, when an expert points out that Chagall never signed his name with an S.

An investigation by the Broadcasting Standards Authority, however, found that the program was made up and none of the characters were real. The findings were that the program was filmed entirely in a studio in Manchester and shots of Fiona Bruce outside the Louvre in Paris were created by back projection, using a look-alike actress, with her voice dubbed on afterwards by Russell Crowe. And the works of art were all stage props, made in the BBC’s workshops.

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by | September 3, 2015 · 7:00 am

Dave wins right to show BBC weather repeats

weatherman

Here’s some weather you might have missed.

The BBC’s extensive archive of weather reports has been bought by a channel for people with head injuries.

Dave, which repeats everything from topical news quizzes to old episodes of Crimewatch, can now exclusively show the BBC’s best guesses at what the weather was like a few years ago.

Making a welcome return to our screens will be John Kettley, Michael Fish, and the one with eyes like a horse’s before he had a beard.

The move is expected to be popular with people planning last year’s holiday.
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by | August 25, 2015 · 11:00 am

‘We wouldn’t call you a drugs cheat if you weren’t a drugs cheat’ BBC tell drugs cheat Gatlin

Drugs cheat Justin Gatlin, some time after his second drugs ban

Drugs cheat Justin Gatlin, some time after his second drugs ban

After drugs cheat Justin Gatlin’s decision to boycott British media because he keeps being labelled a drugs cheat, the BBC have explained to him that he wouldn’t be referred to as a drugs cheat if he wasn’t a drugs cheat.

The drugs cheat sprinter, who has twice been banned for failing drugs tests, is unhappy that British media are focussing on his history of failing drugs tests (twice) rather than his career best 100m times, which are being achieved with the long-term benefits still in his system of the drugs that he has been banned for taking. Twice. Continue reading →

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by | August 19, 2015 · 7:17 am

Misunderstood Bin Laden only wanted to be a Radio 2 DJ

bin laden tapesIt has been revealed that discovered amongst the piles of easy listening tapes left by al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden were a number of demo tapes in which the arch-terrorist brushed up his DJ patter whilst introducing songs by Cliff Richard and the Nolan Sisters.

From his whimsical style, it seems that Bin Laden saw himself as a Middle Eastern Terry Wogan, and his witty comments about the frustrations of his daily life of a revolutionary are quite amusing – if you put aside the atrocities which he directed. Continue reading →

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by | July 10, 2015 · 7:00 am

BBC loses rights to The Archers

ambridge

Ambridge, towards the end of Season 1.

In a major coup for the satellite broadcaster, popular soap opera ‘The Archers’ is moving to Sky from November.

Despite being a staple of Radio 4 for the past 64 years, the drama will now be televised exclusively on Sky Ambridge HD.

“You read that right, you’ll be able to gaze upon a Grundy for the first time”, said director Alan Rothskid. “But only in the first episode, when they’re evicted to make way for a golf course.”
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by | June 27, 2015 · 9:12 am

BBC secures rights to broadcast coverage of Wimbledon tennis WAGs

MuzzaFans of Andy Murray’s new wife, Kim, breathed a collective grunt of relief at the news that the BBC has secured the terrestrial TV rights to show the players’ girlfriends, relatives and assorted celebrities whilst they are watching the tennis at Wimbledon.

Acclaiming the news as a major coup, Barbara Slater, BBC Sport Director, said “Whilst we are obviously disappointed that our bid of £15 and dinner with Claire Balding was considered insufficient to retain the rights to cover the tennis itself, we are delighted to be able to continue the coverage of the tennis players’ sweethearts and pushy mothers. Most viewers will hardly notice the difference.” Continue reading →

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by | June 9, 2015 · 9:21 am

Springwatch crippled blackbird ‘to improve show’s diversity’

blackbird

Hobbly the Blackbird has already spawned his own merchandise.

An intern on popular wildlife show ‘Springwatch’ has revealed how she was forced to maim a songbird to meet BBC diversity targets.

Hayley Swank was ordered to ‘blunt its beak, or pull a wing off or something’ by an Inclusiveness Director on the programme.

“I asked if I could just give one of its legs a chinese burn”, said Swank. “But they told me I was being racist.”

Instead, Swank pulled a couple of feathers out and fed it a heavy pie, so that on camera at least, it appeared just disabled enough to not offend the audience.
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