Animals the world over are happier than a Boris Johnson with two dicks now that they’ve got the planet back. “It’s ace and skill,” said Manky Kevin, a spokesbadger for Harold’s mustelidae community. “With you lot out of the way us animals can do our thing without being hunted, run over or getting Attenboroughed. We love Sir David really but he’s a lot. Okay, occasionally it’s fun to do something spectacular for the camera but sometimes one just wants to be left alone to groom one’s jumble-giblets or contemplate the infinite over a week old chicken carcass one dragged out of a bin.” “We’re hearing that some of you don’t like being shut away and are getting bored, maybe even a bit distressed,” added his colleague, Furry Rita. “I’ll be sure to mention that to my friends in the zoo once I’ve stopped laughing.” “We’re going to be launching a change.org petition soon for all animals to sign calling for it to be made law that humans are kept in their homes forever,” she said. “We anticipate it’ll be a great success as soon as one of us learns how to type.”
A program of badger vaccination in the West of England has run into trouble after several badgers refused to participate after hearing that vaccines caused autism.
The Cornish Wildlife Trust had started working with farmers to vaccinate badgers in order to reduce the prevalence of bovine TB, as an alternative to culling.
There were high hopes that the vaccination program would put an end to the ruthless slaughter of badgers in an attempt to protect cattle, but no-one expected the stripey mammals to willingly put their lives at risk rather than receive the vaccine.
“It seems that a rumour has spread around the badger population that these vaccines are in some way linked to badger autism,” explained local farmer Gordon Renfrew. “This is a shame, because a) there’s no such thing as badger autism, and b) even if there was, this theory would be bollocks.”
Apparently a few rogue badgers have with lucrative books and lecture tours to sell have preyed on the credulity of your average badger-in-the-street, and have spread this imaginary health risk.
Many badgers have gone as far as to insist on traditional violent culling rather than have a simple injection which really isn’t going to do anything bad.
Badgers have been seen deliberately facing farmers with guns, allowing dogs to catch them and even throwing themselves off high buildings, all rather than face vaccination on the word of some slimy ex-badger who was struck off badgerhood and now lives the easy life on the lecture circuit in America.
“What amazes me,” said Mr Renfrew, “Is that parental badgers would consider for one second putting their cubs at risk of a horrible death on the word of one discredited ex-badger.”
“What are these parents thinking of? Thank God this doesn’t happen with humans!”
The million or so women who took to the streets to protest against Donald Trump should have marched in Saudi Arabia instead because things are even worse there, according to idiots on Facebook.
The protests have arisen from a widespread repugnance at Trump’s racism, aggression and abuse of women, but that doesn’t count because in some other countries they have stoning, idiots argue.
“I think they’ve got a nerve,” announced Steve Goughlin of somewhere in Ohio probably. “Don’t they know that women get badly treated somewhere else? Why aren’t they there? Pussies.”
When it was pointed out to idiots that this meant no-one could ever protest against anything unless they were in the worst situation in the world, idiots disagreed.
“Not just this world!” clarified Goughlin. “Why, according to the many-universes multiverse hypothesis, there’s a planet in some random dimension where all the women are eaten alive by badgers EVERY DAY!”
“And when you ask why these women aren’t protesting there, they just don’t have an answer.”
Casting aside his opponent’s offer of a role as party president, Mr Corbyn has told Owen Smith that when, sorry if, he is re-elected as party leader, his erstwhile challenger will be given a new honourary position of his own; that of dominated rubber clad party bitch. Continue reading →
Maybe it’ll involve badgers. We hope so, they’re ace
As the world continues its headlong rush towards the pit labelled ‘unceasing bobbins’ people are consoling themselves with the fact that something nice is surely going to occur at some point. Maybe. P’raps. Yeah?
“I reckon it’s like roulette,” local councillor Nina O’Neill told us. “After lots of red, you’re due a black and up it always comes. That isn’t how numbers and physical objects work? Oh, we’re buggered then.” Continue reading →
Albert Renfew, who died last night after being chased and eaten to death by an enormous badger made of cheese, was ‘living the dream’, friends have confirmed.
Renfrew, who possessed the unusual ability of having his dreams manifest as physical objects, was killed by the grotesque cheesy mammal in front of screaming shoppers in the High Street of the English village of Harold.
Sadly, Renfrew had long been plagued with bizarre, violent dreams involving dairy-mutated animal aggression.
“We were always telling Albert that it’s so important to make your dreams come true,” explained one friend today, “But we had no idea his dreams were so horrible.”
Authorities have pointed out that living the dream is still perfectly safe for most people, and have reassured the public that anyone who does not typically dream about huge slavering cheddar animals should be perfectly safe.
“For most of us,” explained an expert, “Dreams are associated with fame, vast wealth and the lumpy bits on the front of women. I know mine are.”
“Giant violent cheese badgers, on the other hand, are the sort of dream which should be lived under no circumstances.”
“We would advise anyone experiencing these sort of dreams to tread Caerphilly.”
‘I’m going to write to Watchdog, blah, blah, blahdy blah….’
Breaking with years of well established tradition Mrs Fiona Warburton of Harold managed to complain to EDF about the accuracy of her energy bills without once mentioning her elderly mother’s advanced Alzheimer’s or her daughter’s terminal leukaemia. Continue reading →
This is what a badger that’s laughing so hard it can’t get up looks like. So now you know.
Badgers across the UK are today dealing with fierce hangovers having spent all weekend celebrating David Cameron’s pledge to repeal the ban on fox hunting.
“It’s not that we hate foxes,” explained Furry Rita, one of the leaders of Harold’s badger community. “It’s more we’re loving not being Tory enemy number one any more. Claws-crossed they’ll even forget to send in the DEFRA death squads this year. Although do come if you fancy your chances, you shooty lowlife’s, we’ve got a surprise for you.” Continue reading →
Flag made from sticky backed plastic and a pair of Val’s old knickers.
BBC bosses have announced a children’s spy competition in conjunction with MI5 to find kids with the right ‘attitude and qualifications’ to lead the new Blue Peter Youth movement.
The Blue Peter Youth is being set up as a social initiative to encourage children to take part in local activities such as collecting milk bottle tops for charity, dog walking, racism, and bracing outdoor activities like cycling, hill walking and book burning. Continue reading →
Increasingly concerned at the impending threat of the Ebola virus, badger community leaders have called for the introduction of a human culling programme.
“We’re proposing an initial pilot programme,” Furry Rita told us yesterday, “by having marksmen to shoot the pilots of the planes that seem to be bringing in the virus into the country. The pilots may not have Ebola themselves, but they are obviously carriers so need to be eliminated for the good of everyone else.”
“Of course we’ve no idea how much humans spread Ebola,” continued Rita, the co-leader of the Harold Woods badger colony, “but Continue reading →
Appointed on merit? The new Secretary of State for Defence
David Cameron has denied that his promoting a few women and badgers to the Cabinet in today’s reshuffle smacks of desperation.
“I am not cynically trying to increase my party’s voter appeal ahead of the general election,” he said. “And in no way did I see that lots of people seem to really like badgers if all those petitions I keep getting are any indication, and so thought that employing one or two would appease the plebs.”
England’s badgers have applied to have their details wiped from Google to escape government death squads.
“We’re exercising our right to be forgotten,” said Manky Kevin of the Harold Wood badger colony. “The Coalition are determined to wipe us out but we’re hoping if we can’t be found online they’ll lose interest and go after hedgehogs instead.” Continue reading →
Bank of Harold bosses have dismissed as ‘scaremongering’ union claims that customer service would be affected following the bank’s move to replace all call centre staff with a large colony of badgers.
Bank chiefs insist that it is unrealistic to expect to pay human wages in the current economic climate, and point out that the considerable savings made will be sufficient to safeguard the bonus structure for several years to come.
“The real beauty of the plan is that badgers don’t require money,” explained CEO Howard Bing. “In fact, they have no concept of finance whatsoever, preferring an entirely slug- and beetle-based economy, where immediate consumption is very much the norm. And with the slug/pound exchange rate where it is right now, we’re quids in.”
Villagers on the outskirts of Harold spoke yesterday of their fear and horror after numerous sightings of a mysterious beast were reported.
Residents spoke of hearing a continuous low growl, the sound of claws scraping over stone, a heavy chain dragging and other sinister and otherworldly noises.
Those who saw what has been called The Beast of Harold, describe it as a large, dog-like dark-furred animal, around the size of a Shetland pony and with amber eyes which blazed an iridescent green in torchlight.
Who amongst us does not have swimming with badgers on their bucket list?
While floods continue to cause misery for the people of Somerset they have proved to be extremely good news for badgers whose population is not just thriving and growing but to the surprise of naturalists becoming tool-using. Continue reading →
An idiot has been ridiculed by politicians from all parties for suggesting a link between rainfall and flooding.
Notorious mouth-breather Jeremy Hostage made the howler at an emergency council meeting, set up to discuss how to combine flood defences with witch hunts.
“Eddie of the Pagan Party had just claimed that the badger cull was to blame”, said Cllr Ron Ronnson. “He produced some pretty convincing data that this had angered Agrona, the goddess of slaughter. According to Eddie she’s ‘besties’ with Addanc the Primordial Giant, so he surfed here from his home on the Lake of Waves and punished us with floods and damp sofas.”
Nigel Forage of the Bigot Party condemned Eddie as a heathen, and explained that a lesbian wedding was more likely to blame. Ron Ronnson dismissed this theory as ‘nonsense’ but didn’t completely rule out snogging Forage, to see if either of them got wet. Continue reading →