Tag Archives: Owen Paterson

Beavers fail to make money for government: sentenced to life imprisonment


Beaver or waterfox?

DEFRA has announced that it is to capture and place in captivity a colony of beavers currently living wild in Devon.

“They said it’s cos we could be carrying a disease and that landscape and habitats have changed in the 1000 years we’ve been gone out of Devon so we could bugger the environment up,” Alex the Tooth, leader of the Devon beavers told us. “Yeah, that’s true cos us beavers are well known for intensive farming and fracking. Somebody stop us before we drain all the marshes and fail to dredge any riverbeds.”

“The Coalition want to destroy everything they can’t make a profit on but somehow we’re the diseased ones,” he said. “Now I know what the badgers are so hacked off about.”

Alex the Tooth blames his colony’s woes on hunting.

“Last time we were around we were hunted to extinction,” he said. “No one wants to do that anymore so no one in power gives a toss about us. But maybe hunting will be our salvation. If we all dress up as foxes then half the Cabinet and all the Royal Family will want to put on a red jacket and chase us. The ‘waterfox’ will be ruled an essential part of nature before you can say ‘oh look the Duke of Edinburgh’s given little Prince George a cuddly waterfox toy and a tiny gun’.”

If the waterfox plan fails Alex the Tooth told us that he and the rest of his colony had an even more extreme one in reserve.

“We’re British and have been for thousands of years. If we don’t get some fair treatment soon then we shall all start voting Ukip.”

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Filed under environment

Badgers ask to be removed from Google to escape government persecution


Going off the grid. You ain’t seen it, right?

England’s badgers have applied to have their details wiped from Google to escape government death squads.

“We’re exercising our right to be forgotten,” said Manky Kevin of the Harold Wood badger colony. “The Coalition are determined to wipe us out but we’re hoping if we can’t be found online they’ll lose interest and go after hedgehogs instead.” Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, environment, Politics

Is the Prime Minister a lizard? Many find proof of his true nature in flood visit footage


David Cameron off-duty: chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool.

Seekers of the truth are today convinced that they are on to something with David Cameron’s behaviour as he visits areas hit by flooding being taken by many as proof that he is in fact a giant lizard.

“He just looks too comfortable in that environment,” said Harold resident Adam Cassidy. “I’ve been watching all the footage of him striding about in his Wellington boots and black fleece then discussing it with my friends on wakeupsheeple.com. Look how Cameron doesn’t listen to anyone and can’t convey convincing emotion when people are showing him their devastated homes. I bet he was itching to cast off his disguise and swim freely with the flood water playing over his scales.” Continue reading


Filed under News, Politics

Screw you Poseidon: toughened by failed cull badgers thrive and evolve in Somerset floods


Who amongst us does not have swimming with badgers on their bucket list?

While floods continue to cause misery for the people of Somerset they have proved to be extremely good news for badgers whose population is not just thriving and growing but to the surprise of naturalists becoming tool-using. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, environment

Iain Duncan Smith stops all benefits for flood scroungers


Having a bit of trouble getting in is no reason not to attend work.

Iain Duncan Smith has stopped all benefits for people living in flooded areas after branding them all scroungers.

“Just because your home and community are underwater that’s no reason not to be making a contribution to society like millions of hard-working tax-payers up and down the country,” the Secretary for Work and Pensions said. “It has come to my attention that those in receipt of benefits and living in the worst hit areas for flooding are responsible for shockingly high rates of workplace and job centre absenteeism and this is unacceptable.” Continue reading

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Filed under environment, News

IDS: “will squeeze benefits spongers”


‘Disabled claimants could work from home’ : IDS

Under COBRA emergency powers, Ian Duncan Smith will soon deploy benefit claimants in the battle against rising flood levels. “The Prime Minister asked me to try to sink the unsinkable” the charismatic Work & Pensions Secretary announced today “and my next logical move is to use claimants’ innate spongy-ness for the public’s good”. 

Starting next week, long-term benefit claimants will lie down in flooded areas, sop up moisture until they are fully saturated, then go home to dry off overnight. “Research has shown that poor people don’t move very much anyway,” says IDS “nearly 40% of them are inactive, exercising less than 30 minutes a week. This way, they’ll simply exchange a stained sofa for a soggy field contaminated with sewage. In practice they’ll find very little difference”. Continue reading

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Filed under Lifestyle, News, Politics

Surprise as badgers win Person of the Year award


“Defra can kiss my stripy arse.”

There was surprise today as the Person of the Year was revealed to be not a person but an entire species as the UK’s 288,000 strong badger population scooped the prestigious prize.

“It’s been a great year for badgers,” said Lynne Parsons, head of the judging panel. “They not only ran an effective and highly organised campaign against the badger cull which resulted in it being called off  but they also ensured that Brian May was on TV a lot which was a treat for both fans of classic rock and massive hair alike.” Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, News, Politics