Tag Archives: Michael Gove

Forget Joe Wicks: Michael Gove’s 5PM spin class is nation’s favourite workout

Primal lurker beyond time* and Cabinet Office minister Michael Gove has been praised for improving the physical health of screen staring, stress eating Brits on lockdown by streaming a daily afternoon workout that sets pulses rising.
“Like many people since lockdown I’ve been at risk of turning into an endgame Henry VIII but without all the fun of having had six wives and a big argument with the Pope first,” said villager Cassie Fine. “But now I’m getting some much needed daily exercise all thanks to Michael Gove. One look and I’m on my feet running from the room to get away from his wet-lipped cascade of mendacity.”
“My wife stays in front of the TV and really works her muscles gesturing in disbelief at almost every word he says but she’s always been hardcore. Back in the day she could hold plank position all the way through a David Cameron speech on why it was necessary to fuck the NHS rigid without even a shiver of disgust.”
Rumours that another Downing Street workout series ‘Sprinting Away with Dominic Cummings’ will soon be launched remain persistent but unconfirmed.

*August Derleth by which we really mean the Wikipedia page on Cthulhu

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After Rio Ferdinand, clamour grows for Michael Gove to take up boxing

Come on, we’d all pay to see that

As yet another celebrity turns to pugilism after retirement, a movement is growing for Michael Gove to take up the noble art.

“Thousands would pay to watch Michael Gove punched around a boxing ring.” said George Tredinnick a homeopath from Harold “In fact, there’s thousands who’d pay to do the punching. I know I would. And I’m a pacifist.”

With the online game ‘Slap Michael Gove’ being a runaway success, Continue reading

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“New UK grass snake” probably just Michael Gove on countryside holiday

“there’s still a brief window of opportunity”

Scientists were disappointed today to find that a snake in the grass, discovered in the UK, is most likely Michael Gove,  not a previously uncategorised reptile, despite some obvious similarities.

This means the total number of UK species remains at four; not including Boris Johnson.

Harold scientist Dr Rachel Guest says it’s an easy mistake for colleagues to make “Both slither along the ground in an oily manner, both cause involuntary shudders of disgust; Continue reading

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Michael Gove rushed into A&E after being accidentally sprinkled with salt

“Watch out for that massive tub of beer, Michael!”

Michael Gove is said to be “serious but stable” in hospital, after being dusted with salt in a pub garden accident.

“A customer was adding salt to their chips, when the lid of the salt cellar suddenly came off and a cloud of salt flew across the table.” explained Eddie Grudgingly, landlord of the Squirrel Lickers Arms in Harold.

“No one else was affected but with Mr Gove it was really weird. His body became really shiny, then he began to froth at the mouth Continue reading

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Gove disputes John Barnes’ assertion that he’s voting Remain

Trust me, why would I lie to you?

Michael Gove insists John Barnes will vote Leave tomorrow, despite the former England footballer clearly stating the opposite.

“The country’s had enough of so-called experts” droned the pasty cabbage-patch doll lookalike “John Barnes has set himself up as ‘an expert’ on John Barnes but has he got a hidden agenda? Continue reading

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Gove and Johnson warn of terrifying ‘leap into the known’ if Britain stays in EU

The safe option?

Following a week in which sensible people everywhere advised Britain not to balls things up by leaving the EU, the leading figures in the “Leave” campaign have insisted that by not changing anything, the country risks a disastrous “leap into the known”.

“No-one can predict what could happen if we leave things exactly as they are,” insisted justice secretary and evil muppet Michael Gove.

“By not changing our entire economic and political system, we have no idea just what the consequences could be.”

“Imagine a world where you woke up and things were exactly like they were this morning, except without me banging on. It’s too scary to contemplate.”

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Gove on outdated legal system failing the poor. “Hang on, that’s my job!”

michael gove again

One thing I learned as Minister for Education was…err…

Letting down the poorest in society should be left to politicians with a proven track record of doing so, thinks Michael Gove.

“If there’s one thing I learned as Education Secretary… two, take away one … yes one thing” said the justice minister yesterday “it’s that you can’t simply let so-called professionals run things. A politician like me, with a fresh new approach – pardon?- well yes, untrammelled by previous experience in the field is another way of putting it – can often makes things better.”

Mr Gove is particularly concerned that there are effectively  two systems of justice in the country. “One Gold Standard, for the rich and well connected and another for those without financial means or influence. That is completely unacceptable to this Conservative government and we will now consign it to the history books”.

“We will rationalise things to create one simple, uniform system across the country.” he promised his audience, adding with a flourish “My predecessor Chris Grayling made a good start by slashing legal aid and decimating support services for domestic violence victims; it now falls to me to finish the job and do away with justice for the poor altogether.”

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Gove says Tories won’t get into bed with Farage, but will consider kinky threesome in Commons toilet

Farage enjoying a pre-coital cigarette

Farage enjoying a pre-coital cigarette

Senior Tory and Chief Whip Michael Gove ruled out getting into bed with UKIP’s Nigel Farage after the election, but said a three-way bondage romp with himself, Farage, and Theresa May in the Commons toilet was still on the table. Nick Clegg might also be allowed to watch.

“Our MPs are renowned for cavorting with call girls, each other’s spouses, bondage mistresses, barely legal school children, and sundry animals in all sorts of locations. Our image would be ruined if we merely got into a plain old bed with Mr Farage. The Conservative Party has very high double standards to maintain” said Mr Gove.
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Hard-core porn sites urged to block links to Conservative Party

Iain Duncan Smith laughing

IDS learns of benefit claimant deaths

The Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre (CEOP) has called on porn-mongers to protect on-line youngsters from the Conservatives

CEOP’s Alison Bright explains. “With teenagers being their biggest customers, they have a duty of care to the young & vulnerable. A kid could be quietly banging one out in his bedroom , to a laptopful of Roman orgy. Then, before he knows it, he sees a foam-flecked Grant Shapps on-screen, lying about something. Again.”

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Gove vows “I’ll find out if someone is responsible for education”


Who might be responsible? Is it you Michael? Is it?

Michael Gove has blamed school governors, local authorities, the Education Funding Agency, Gerald, a lobster from Padstow, Ofsted and teachers for the ‘Trojan Horse’ scandal in Birmingham schools.

The Secretary of State for Education told a packed House of Commons of his concerns about the arrangements for monitoring schools.

“Yes, all those agencies are culpable, obviously. But what a shame there isn’t, say, one individual in charge of our education system.” said the Education Secretary to his stunned audience.

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Gove reduces GCSEs to a single question: ‘Are your parents rich?’

Pupils sit a GCSE maths exam at the Harris Academy South Norwood in south east London

GCSEs are very important and the knowledge you gain essential in real life. Said no one ever.

Michael Gove has today defended his controversial reform of GCSEs. By throwing out the entire curriculum and instead requiring pupils to simply answer the question ‘are your parents rich?’ the Education Secretary says the results will give a much more honest assessment of pupils’ future prospects. Continue reading

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Doctors who made lab-grown vagina ‘haven’t been home for three months’

A team of doctors in the USA who have successfully grown the first artificial vagina have been working so hard that none of them has left their laboratory for the last three months, it was revealed today.


And so portable!

Doctors at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Centre in North Carolina used pioneering technology to build a biodegradable scaffold onto which human cells attached before being grown in a bioreactor, producing a perfect replica of the human vagina.

The pioneering team in charge of this exciting work finally emerged from their laboratory complex this morning, pale and haggard from lack of sleep, some bent double almost unable to walk, such has been their dedication to this important work. Continue reading

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Labour now call for Cameron to ‘back’ Michael Gove


With David Cameron’s unequivocal backing of Maria Miller leading to her resignation, The Labour Party are now calling on the Prime Minister also give his backing to Michael Gove.

“It’s in the whole country’s interest that Gove isn’t allowed anywhere near important education decisions,” Labour’s deputy leader Harriet Harman said.

“So to make sure he knows he is not trusted to be education secretary anymore we are asking the Prime Minister to make it perfectly clear, and give him his full backing.

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Michael Gove releases sex tape to attract inward investment

Following his bizarre leaked claim that young entrepreneurs are attracted to London for “hot sex”, Michael Gove has now announced the release of the “Hot Gove Sex Tape”, featuring the education secretary vigorously shafting the UK teaching  system.

Michael Gove

“I’m enormous!”

It is hardly a surprise to see Mr Gove fucking up the nation’s schools, but horrified internet viewers were today seeking emergency counselling after glimpsing the fuzzy vision him pounding away at state schools, forcing his dogma onto them by the back door, and leaving education in the UK literally buggered.

“Sex sells,” claimed Gove in a breathless interview with Razzle magazine this morning, “And I’m the man to get those investors pumping liquidity into our system. My profile is enormous.”

It has long been a truism that “If it exists, there is porn of it”, but no-one ever thought this would extend to Gove. Even hard-core serial porn addicts who think nothing of, say, sex with badgers, have resorting to stabbing their own eyes out with forks, and the opt-in rate for the new Internet Pornography Filter has skyrocketed.

“We’re not surprised that Mr Gove would see himself as such as expert on sex,” insisted a Downing Street spokesman. “After all, he’s an attractive, rugged, glistening… excuse me a moment.” The press conference was then interrupted while a bucket was being sought.

Many commentators are seeing Gove’s leap into the erotic as a blatant publicity stunt in preparation for a future bid to lead the Conservative party. Furious at being for once overshadowed, London Mayor Boris Johnson’s immediate response was to launch a premium-rate phone line where, for huge charges, the worst kind of twisted pervert can hear him explain his vision for London.

When asked for the teaching profession’s view of Gove’s sex tape, National Union of Teachers Secretary Kevin Courtney issued a brief statement, saying simply: “What a massive prick.”

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Ofsted inspectors found to be roving pack of baboons


Ofsted chief inspector Sir Michael Wilshaw in combative mood yesterday

Following reports that many Ofsted inspectors do not have the skills or teaching experience needed to judge schools, is has emerged that what was assumed to be a body of humans is in fact largely made up of a roving pack of baboons, missing from London Zoo for several years.

The problem seems to have started as Ofsted became increasingly reliant on private firms to provide inspectors, with the obvious lack of quality controls that brings.

Motivated purely by profits, the outsourcing companies seem to have employed the cheapest inspectors possible, with the baboons undercutting even the foreign or dead candidates.

Many schools did not notice any difference at first, so low were their expectations of the inspectors, and suspicions only came to light after a recent think tank report mentioned that the majority of inspectors “Lacked teaching experience, and seemed to be covered in fur matted with faeces”. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Education, Nature

EXCLUSIVE: Guardian leaks Michael Gove’s new job title


Can you spot Gove’s new role?

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Tragedy narrowly averted as huge sinkhole opens up under Michael Gove


Narrow escape for all of us

Locals were celebrating a ‘lucky escape’ this morning as a sinkhole measuring 50 meters deep opened up without warning in High Wycombe, completely swallowing up Michael Gove.

Locals woke up in the village of Walter’s Ash to find the enormous hole had appeared over night. It was not realised that Gove had been visiting the village until one householder noticed his ego just visible over the edge of the huge pit.

“It’s a miracle no damage was done,” said a Buckinghamshire Fire Services spokesman. “I’ve got kids at a local state school, and I can’t stress enough what a lucky escape they’ve had.” Continue reading

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IDS: “will squeeze benefits spongers”


‘Disabled claimants could work from home’ : IDS

Under COBRA emergency powers, Ian Duncan Smith will soon deploy benefit claimants in the battle against rising flood levels. “The Prime Minister asked me to try to sink the unsinkable” the charismatic Work & Pensions Secretary announced today “and my next logical move is to use claimants’ innate spongy-ness for the public’s good”. 

Starting next week, long-term benefit claimants will lie down in flooded areas, sop up moisture until they are fully saturated, then go home to dry off overnight. “Research has shown that poor people don’t move very much anyway,” says IDS “nearly 40% of them are inactive, exercising less than 30 minutes a week. This way, they’ll simply exchange a stained sofa for a soggy field contaminated with sewage. In practice they’ll find very little difference”. Continue reading

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‘Unfair criticism drove me to tears’ sobs Ofsted chief


Wilshire now routinely wears a heavy disguise to reduce his unpopularity

Teachers’ leaders expressed support today for Sir Michael Wilshire, the embattled boss of Ofsted. Wilshire has recently been briefed against by zealous acolytes of pasty-faced Secretary of State for Education, Michael Gove.

“It’s not like criticising someone relentlessly is going to make them do a better job, is it?”  Wilshire had demanded tearfully of a clearly embarrassed BBC interviewer Bill Turnbull on this morning’s ‘Breakfast’ show “Where’s the fairness in that?” he snuffled from behind a hankie “Everyone will think I’m a clown”. Continue reading

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Gove rolls out ‘Teach First’ on-the-job training to Pilots

images (4)

Landing gear down. Now where’s that runway?

The Teach First initiative, currently being documented in BBC3′ ‘Tough Young Teachers’, is now offering franchises in other disciplines including Flying Big Airplanes and Open-heart Surgery (beginners). The underpinning principle of Teach First is that top graduates can be fast-tracked into front-line teaching on the back of six weeks training. Michael Gove is a keen supporter of the scheme, reasoning that as his own career was built on a short ‘Teach Yourself Journalism’ correspondence course, learning how to teach children must be a doddle.

“A big advantage of this nice cheap set-up” says Gove “is that Trainees learn just enough to pick up some flashy headline-grabbing tricks – but not quite enough to realise how little they actually know. It’s a very fine line for our Trainers to walk and of course they’ve had lengthy training for their role”. Continue reading

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