Ofsted inspectors found to be roving pack of baboons

Ofsted chief inspector Sir Michael Wilshaw in combative mood yesterday

Following reports that many Ofsted inspectors do not have the skills or teaching experience needed to judge schools, is has emerged that what was assumed to be a body of humans is in fact largely made up of a roving pack of baboons, missing from London Zoo for several years.

The problem seems to have started as Ofsted became increasingly reliant on private firms to provide inspectors, with the obvious lack of quality controls that brings.

Motivated purely by profits, the outsourcing companies seem to have employed the cheapest inspectors possible, with the baboons undercutting even the foreign or dead candidates.

Many schools did not notice any difference at first, so low were their expectations of the inspectors, and suspicions only came to light after a recent think tank report mentioned that the majority of inspectors “Lacked teaching experience, and seemed to be covered in fur matted with faeces”.

One head teacher whose school received an unfavourable inspection spoke about his experience:

“It was terrible. They came into the school in a hideous pack, screaming and howling, turned everything upside down and crapped all over everything – we’ve only just got the stink out. And they were the human ones.”

Noel Richardson, chairman of the board of governors of St Mary’s Church of England Primary School in the village of Harold, recently rated “Outstanding”, told reporters he had always suspected the inspectors were not human, and put his school’s success largely down to the free availability of bananas in all classrooms.

In a press conference at Whipsnade this morning, Secretary of State for Education Michael Gove defended Ofsted’s use of baboons, telling reporters: “In no way does this detract from the splendid job the inspectors are doing, and they retain my full support.”

When pressed on the unfairness of allowing animals to rule on the future of schools, he insisted “It’s all perfectly fair. Once we’ve converted all schools into academies, we’ll release the baboons back into their natural habitat in the Conservative back benches.”