Needy England wishes Ireland a very happy St Patrick’s Day

Ireland: Phwoar, look at the Causeway on that.

“You’re beautiful Ireland, you know that? You’re amazing with your, with your, with your hills and your Causeway and all the stuff. M’not just saying that because I’ve had a drink. But I have had a drink and I’ve had it for you! It’s your special day and I’m going to celebrate it sooo hard cos I love ya! I love ya.

You know me and Scotland are having some problems, right? Well, what if, no listen, what if you and me got together more seriously? Just me and you, all of you? I know for a few centuries I came on too strong but Northern Ireland stuck with it. I’ll be good this time, promise.

No, I’m not being offensive. I’m telling you I love you and want us to be together. What you getting so uptight for?

Bah, I’m gonna call Wales. She’s the only one that understands me…”