Gove reduces GCSEs to a single question: ‘Are your parents rich?’

Pupils sit a GCSE maths exam at the Harris Academy South Norwood in south east London

GCSEs are very important and the knowledge you gain essential in real life. Said no one ever.

Michael Gove has today defended his controversial reform of GCSEs. By throwing out the entire curriculum and instead requiring pupils to simply answer the question ‘are your parents rich?’ the Education Secretary says the results will give a much more honest assessment of pupils’ future prospects.

“Knowing the causes of the First World War, some maths and reading a few texts by British authors and all the rest of it is all very well,” Gove said this morning. “But the only key to social mobility is wealth, me and my colleagues have seen to that.”

“So it’s out with all the outdated claptrap and in with the only question that matters.”

Mr Gove also confirmed that faith schools and free schools would be permitted to add another question in order to reflect their unique values, with their complete GCSE being ‘Are your parents rich? Will they give us a lot of money?’

“Our system is flawless,” Gove said confidently. “Pupils who answer that their parents are rich will go on to study A’levels. Pupils who don’t will immediately be passed over to the control of Iain Duncan Smith.”

“At long last the GCSE system is a true reflection of modern Britain.”


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