Hard-core porn sites urged to block links to Conservative Party

IDS learns of benefit claimant deaths

The Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre (CEOP) has called on porn-mongers to protect on-line youngsters from the Conservatives

CEOP’s Alison Bright explains. “With teenagers being their biggest customers, they have a duty of care to the young & vulnerable. A kid could be quietly banging one out in his bedroom , to a laptopful of Roman orgy. Then, before he knows it, he sees a foam-flecked Grant Shapps on-screen, lying about something. Again.”

Bright says the Conservatives lure in the unsuspecting with something soft like a David Cameron election broadcast. “But in no time at all, Michael Gove and his awful wife Sarah Vine are tainting your living room with their dreadful bile.”

Under present arrangements, a viewer could be harmlessly browsing amputee dwarf porn and then, one careless click later, find himself reading a Conservative election manifesto. “We must make the internet a safer place for our children” asserts Bright “and ensure that they can crack one out, or troll celebrities on Twitter, without being exposed to that sort of filth.”

“When I heard the soundtrack of grunting and wheezing, I assumed it would be something like a pensioners’ foursome.” said a traumatised porn user. “But when the camera focused, it turned out to be Iain Duncan Smith, wrestling over a benefit cheque with an underfed paraplegic.”