Michael Gove releases sex tape to attract inward investment

Following his bizarre leaked claim that young entrepreneurs are attracted to London for “hot sex”, Michael Gove has now announced the release of the “Hot Gove Sex Tape”, featuring the education secretary vigorously shafting the UK teaching  system.

Michael Gove

“I’m enormous!”

It is hardly a surprise to see Mr Gove fucking up the nation’s schools, but horrified internet viewers were today seeking emergency counselling after glimpsing the fuzzy vision him pounding away at state schools, forcing his dogma onto them by the back door, and leaving education in the UK literally buggered.

“Sex sells,” claimed Gove in a breathless interview with Razzle magazine this morning, “And I’m the man to get those investors pumping liquidity into our system. My profile is enormous.”

It has long been a truism that “If it exists, there is porn of it”, but no-one ever thought this would extend to Gove. Even hard-core serial porn addicts who think nothing of, say, sex with badgers, have resorting to stabbing their own eyes out with forks, and the opt-in rate for the new Internet Pornography Filter has skyrocketed.

“We’re not surprised that Mr Gove would see himself as such as expert on sex,” insisted a Downing Street spokesman. “After all, he’s an attractive, rugged, glistening… excuse me a moment.” The press conference was then interrupted while a bucket was being sought.

Many commentators are seeing Gove’s leap into the erotic as a blatant publicity stunt in preparation for a future bid to lead the Conservative party. Furious at being for once overshadowed, London Mayor Boris Johnson’s immediate response was to launch a premium-rate phone line where, for huge charges, the worst kind of twisted pervert can hear him explain his vision for London.

When asked for the teaching profession’s view of Gove’s sex tape, National Union of Teachers Secretary Kevin Courtney issued a brief statement, saying simply: “What a massive prick.”

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