“Scottish independence will bring Voldemort back” claims Lord Robertson

Is this what you want, Scotland? Well, is it?

In a truly apocalyptic speech given in the United States former defence secretary and Nato chief Lord Robertson claimed that Voldemort would rise again if Scotland becomes independent. Citing “forces of darkness” and “cataclysmic” effects Lord Robertson warned that life as we know it would end if the union between England and Scotland is rent asunder.

“It will be Hell!” he roared at a stunned audience. “Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes! The dead rising from the grave! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together…mass hysteria!”

Pausing only to wipe some of the froth from his mouth Lord Robertson continued.

“Voldemort will rise again! Some may say that this is alarmist but it is a fact and one that needs to be discussed out in the open in a calm, rational manner. Voldemort will return plus, my extensive research into the consequences of a yes vote in the referendum has led me to conclude, if Scotland becomes independent it will be always winter but never, absolutely never, Christmas!”

He added that “the triple-breasted whore of Babylon shall be drunk with the blood of the saints” before being gently led backstage for a cup of tea and a nice lie down.

Afterwards witness Rachel Cross summed up the feelings of many of the audience when she said: “I kind of liked Lord Robertson’s speech. To be honest it made more sense than claiming that a united England and Scotland is all that stands between democracy and some Russian or fundamentalist Islamic takeover of the world. Now that really would’ve been mad.”