All eyes will be on the Duchess of Cambridge this afternoon, as she takes up her rightful role of ‘Mother of Dragons’ during the royal tour of New Zealand.
Wearing a red Catherine Walker coat initially to hide her royal nuddiness, the sylph-like Kate will disrobe away from the cameras. She will then slip into something a little less comfortable, namely an 80-foot high funeral pyre.
“Tradition dictates that the Lady Regnant of the Wider Gene Pool shall smoke an unsavoury hag during the birthing ceremony”, revealed a nerd inexplicably dressed as a dwarf. “She’s chosen Celia Wade-Brown, the mayor of Wellington, after the comments she made on Twitter.”
With her hairdresser in attendance Kate is expected to emerge relatively intact, accompanied by three leathery, hairless lizard creatures. “But not Prince Charles, Prince William and baby George”, clarified a Palace source.
Surviving the fire and then popping out with dragons is expected to win over even the staunchest of republicans. Although some have claimed that the whole thing is a Game of Thrones rip-off, and that Kate has no more of a claim to power than Joffrey Baratheon.
“It’s a bit patronising to suggest we’d accept all this bollocks”, said one New Zealander Gerry Landers. “No-one really believes that power would be passed by birthright for generation after generation and all the people would put up with that.”
Landers admitted that he would watch the spectacle despite his objections. “I guess you can be entertained by near-fictional characters without actually believing in them”, he said.
“And besides, if it does turn out to be true and Kate Middleton does unleash large, murderous dragons, I’m confident Gandalf will show up to save us.”