Category Archives: Vikings

Shod cats can’t scratch, but still pack a mean punch.

A business that specialises in fitting metal shoes to cats has split opinions amongst the good people of Harold.

With the number of horses surrounding the village remaining fairly constant in recent decades, Nigel Thorvald has struggled to find a way of expanding his business. That was until he struck on the idea of shoeing cats.

Thorvald comes from a long line of blacksmiths and farriers, and has never struggled to make ends meet. “Although you’re not supposed to do that on horseshoes”, he told us. “You’re supposed to leave a gap.”

Thorvald had been content with his lot, until his bank suggested he meet their business development manager.

“It was supposed to be a chat but he made me feel worthless”, said Thorvald. “So I took out a loan, some insurance and paid for an advertising virus. And from that point on, I will not rest until all the animals, birds and fish of Harold are shod in little metal shoes of my making. Because if I do, they’ll take away my house.”

Hand-beaten cat shoes have become fashionable with the sort of people who live in executive housing; the sort who are always looking for new ways to pamper their pets.

“Mr Super Paws is now Mr Even Superer Paws, thanks to these crescents of metal and some powerful glue”, said Gill Gates. “You can tell they’re good ones because they’re really heavy, my spoiled little kitten always lands on his feet. Only now, he tends to leave dents.”

Thorvald explained that shoes for different animals have to be made from different metals. “For instance, for Evans’ Gloucester Old Spots, I use pig iron. For cats, it’s fel-iron. And for donkeys? For them, I use ee-ore.”

Due to the unique way Thorvald folds the metal, his cat shoes are powerfully magnetic. This makes the cats that he’s shod ideal for use as car bonnet ornaments, fridge memo holders and pipe lagging.

“My shoes certainly bring the critters together, it’s pure animal magnetism”, explained Thorvald. “Although you can separate them if you have a strong enough crowbar. The only downside is that most of them can’t climb trees any more. But you should see how fast the buggers can get up a lamp post.”

Thorvald is working on a more permanent way of attaching his footwear than glue, but is worried about people with food allergies. “I’d advise  intollerant cat owners to stick with the glue. Some people have a terrible reaction to cat shoe nuts.”