Category Archives: Vikings

‘Super moon’ damages church roof


PC Flegg claimed that several moons had been reported in the area.

Monday night’s ‘super moon’ has left a trail of descruction, culminating in damage to Harold’s village church.

The enormous moon was spotted by concerned locals as early as 6.30pm, and police were called to try and persuade it to ‘nick off’.

PC Anita Flegg attempted to move it along, and was eventually forced to deploy her taser. But it continued to loiter, and leaned heavily on the church roof. Flegg claimed the moon was ‘completely unphased’.

Despite an empassioned speech by the Reverend Tansy Forster, the moon dislodged several tiles, before bending the pointed bit with a small cock on the top.
Continue reading

Comments Off on ‘Super moon’ damages church roof

Filed under Around Harold, Pagans, Religion, Vikings

NZ Tour Latest: Kate Middleton to walk naked into fire with large, leathery eggs

george and dragon

Mother of George, and Dragon.

All eyes will be on the Duchess of Cambridge this afternoon, as she takes up her rightful role of ‘Mother of Dragons’ during the royal tour of New Zealand.

Wearing a red Catherine Walker coat initially to hide her royal nuddiness, the sylph-like Kate will disrobe away from the cameras. She will then slip into something a little less comfortable, namely an 80-foot high funeral pyre.

“Tradition dictates that the Lady Regnant of the Wider Gene Pool shall smoke an unsavoury hag during the birthing ceremony”, revealed a nerd inexplicably dressed as a dwarf. “She’s chosen Celia Wade-Brown, the mayor of Wellington, after the comments she made on Twitter.”
Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Entertainment, Pagans, Royals, Vikings

Controversy surrounds village’s ‘cat farrier’

cat shoes

Shod cats can’t scratch, but still pack a mean punch.

A business that specialises in fitting metal shoes to cats has split opinions amongst the good people of Harold.

With the number of horses surrounding the village remaining fairly constant in recent decades, Nigel Thorvald has struggled to find a way of expanding his business. That was until he struck on the idea of shoeing cats.

Thorvald comes from a long line of blacksmiths and farriers, and has never struggled to make ends meet. “Although you’re not supposed to do that on horseshoes”, he told us. “You’re supposed to leave a gap.”

Thorvald had been content with his lot, until his bank suggested he meet their business development manager.

“It was supposed to be a chat but he made me feel worthless”, said Thorvald. “So I took out a loan, some insurance and paid for an advertising virus. And from that point on, I will not rest until all the animals, birds and fish of Harold are shod in little metal shoes of my making. Because if I do, they’ll take away my house.”

Hand-beaten cat shoes have become fashionable with the sort of people who live in executive housing; the sort who are always looking for new ways to pamper their pets.

“Mr Super Paws is now Mr Even Superer Paws, thanks to these crescents of metal and some powerful glue”, said Gill Gates. “You can tell they’re good ones because they’re really heavy, my spoiled little kitten always lands on his feet. Only now, he tends to leave dents.”

Thorvald explained that shoes for different animals have to be made from different metals. “For instance, for Evans’ Gloucester Old Spots, I use pig iron. For cats, it’s fel-iron. And for donkeys? For them, I use ee-ore.”

Due to the unique way Thorvald folds the metal, his cat shoes are powerfully magnetic. This makes the cats that he’s shod ideal for use as car bonnet ornaments, fridge memo holders and pipe lagging.

“My shoes certainly bring the critters together, it’s pure animal magnetism”, explained Thorvald. “Although you can separate them if you have a strong enough crowbar. The only downside is that most of them can’t climb trees any more. But you should see how fast the buggers can get up a lamp post.”

Thorvald is working on a more permanent way of attaching his footwear than glue, but is worried about people with food allergies. “I’d advise  intollerant cat owners to stick with the glue. Some people have a terrible reaction to cat shoe nuts.”

Comments Off on Controversy surrounds village’s ‘cat farrier’

Filed under Pets, Technology, Vikings

Giraffe dead, now Danish children ‘forced to maim otters with hammers’


Sweet dreams, kiddies!!!

In its latest public relations triumph, Denmark is to give all its schoolchildren the opportunity to maim and slaughter healthy rare animals in the nation’s zoos.

Following the popular move to kill Marius the giraffe yesterday and cut him up in front of an audience of retching kids, Copenhagen Zoo’s science director and blood-crazed psychopath Bengt Holst now insists the orgy of slaughter must continue.

“Yes, there were alternative zoos across Europe keen to take this healthy animal,” conceded Holst, “But what they do not understand is that I MUST KILL KILL KILL, RIP DEAD GUTS AND SPLINTER BONES IN MY TEETH. That’s the very valid point that they’re missing.” Continue reading


Filed under Nature, Vikings

Archaeologists find ancient visitor centre below new Stonehenge visitor centre

visitor centre

Archaeologists have found earthen jam jars, crude tea towels and an early pen with a feather stuck in it.

A team of archaeologists has made a startling discovery near Stonehenge – an ancient visitor centre, dating back to the Mesolithic period.

Crudely constructed from stone and featuring ramp access for chariots, the ancient visitor centre was found while digging the foundations for a new visitor centre on the same spot.

“At first we weren’t sure what we’d found, which means it was definitely for ritual purposes”, said local historian George Hubert. “But we kept on digging, and soon discovered what appeared to be a diorama.”

The diorama is thought to represent the famous circle of standing stones, but was clearly made from old teeth and bits of knee caps.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Archaeologists find ancient visitor centre below new Stonehenge visitor centre

Filed under Culture, Lost and Found, Technology, Vikings

Tottenham ‘were bad in a past life’ explains Glenn Hoddle


Consulting new spirit guide ‘Chree-Shwa-Dell’ (check this)

Former Tottenham playmaker and mystic Glenn Hoddle has controversially claimed that the reason for the side’s current lack of footballing health can be explained by the bad form of the club in its previous incarnations.

In remarks certain to infuriate many, the ex-Spur insisted to journalists today that the principles of “soccarma” meant that the previous decades of poor performance have had the effect of condemning the current generation of players to the limbo of mid-table obscurity. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Religion, Sport, Vikings

Amateur scientists ‘put dog into orbit’


Team will coax dog back to Earth ‘using liver or biscuits’

Harold has taken its first tentative step in the international space race, as a local team of scientists claim to have put a dog in geostationary orbit.

Just 56 short years after Russia first launched a stray called Laika into space, the resourceful villagers stated they were ‘well on the way’ to setting up a commercial operation to ‘repeatedly and reliably make dogs go far away’.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Amateur scientists ‘put dog into orbit’

Filed under Business, science, Technology, Vikings

Druids ‘cautiously interested’ in new Stonehenge airport plan


Left a bit!

After initial fierce opposition, England’s druids are reported to be ‘coming round’ to controversial new plans to build London’s fourth airport within a few metres of the ancient monument of Stonehenge.

After the recent closure of the nearby main road, hopes were high that the sacred area would at last be returned to its ancient glory. These hopes were cruelly dashed by the immediate announcement that the space formerly taken by the road would actually be dedicated to a 5km concrete runway, long enough to service the largest long-haul airliners and significantly ease the congestion of London’s other airports.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Druids ‘cautiously interested’ in new Stonehenge airport plan

Filed under Religion, Travel, Vikings

Council announces plan to put village on the happiness standard

Is this image better for you than money?

Is the mirth of this image better for you than money?

Returning from a controversial fact-finding tour to the Kingdom of Bhutan, Councillor Ron Ronsson has announced that Harold’s council intend to put it on the happiness standard.

“I know some of you felt that it wasn’t right for a senior member of the council and his wife, his brother-in-law, his daughter and her partner to spend two weeks in Thimphu at the council’s expense but this was a necessary trip that will change Harold as we know it.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Council announces plan to put village on the happiness standard

Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, Vikings

Pope and ex-Pope ‘will perform breakfast sketch from Morecambe and Wise’


What do you think of it so far?

Following ex-Pope Benedict’s decision to move into the Vatican along with Pope Francis, there were fears among Papal advisors that the unprecedented situation might lead to some ecumenical friction between the two holy men.

In a surprise to everyone, however, the Pope and ex-Pope have revealed that far from being discomfited by the living arrangements, they have actually embraced the celibate buddies idea so much that they have started performing old comedy double-acts, and intend to build up to a big break with tradition by swapping this year’s Christmas blessing for a revival of Morecambe and Wise’s famous “Breakfast” routine to the tune of “The Stripper”.

Read more

Comments Off on Pope and ex-Pope ‘will perform breakfast sketch from Morecambe and Wise’

Filed under Dating, International News, Showbusiness, Vikings

Hardline blacksmith calls for rule by ‘Farrier Law’


Justice on the hoof

Radical blacksmith and part-time Viking Nigel Thorvald has called for the introduction of ‘Farrier Law’ to Harold, to tackle what he regards as a ‘shocking decline in morals’ and a lurch away from ‘Justice by Warm Ironmongery’.

Harold’s viking community keeps itself largely to itself, apart from on official pillage days, or during the annual dragon boat race.

But with a growing lack of respect for elders and rising teen pregnancy rates amongst his daughters Oslo, Freyja and Maureen, Thorvald believes that the wider society needs a ‘more medieval’ approach to law enforcement.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Hardline blacksmith calls for rule by ‘Farrier Law’

Filed under News, Vikings