Monday night’s ‘super moon’ has left a trail of descruction, culminating in damage to Harold’s village church.
The enormous moon was spotted by concerned locals as early as 6.30pm, and police were called to try and persuade it to ‘nick off’.
PC Anita Flegg attempted to move it along, and was eventually forced to deploy her taser. But it continued to loiter, and leaned heavily on the church roof. Flegg claimed the moon was ‘completely unphased’.
Despite an empassioned speech by the Reverend Tansy Forster, the moon dislodged several tiles, before bending the pointed bit with a small cock on the top.
“I was furious”, admitted Forster. “That’s one of my favourite parts of the church. Others include the big marble table, and the tall stone bidet in the hall.” Forster rushed up the windy-circle steps to survey the damage. There was a strong odour of dairy products, and a mound of dead moths.
“Something has to be done, we can’t have these things throwing their weight around in the village”, wheezed the rotund vicar. “There’s only room in this village for one enormous heavenly body.”
Local pagans have claimed that the moon’s rampage proves they were right all along. Blacksmith Nigel Thorvald pointed out that the portentous satellite had left his foundry alone, once he’d stepped between it and the building. “Her god is supposedly a carpenter, this is clearly a test”, he claimed. “But so far, he hasn’t so much as banged a nail in.”
Rev Forster muttered something about ‘parallax’ but refused to be drawn further. Instead, she called for the council to make emergency funding available. “We need £12,000 immediately so that work can begin”, she pleaded, “on making a big sign with a thermometer on it that I can gradually colour in.”