Category Archives: Pagans

by | December 10, 2015 · 1:51 pm

School carol concert plumbs undiscovered new depths of toss

xmaskaleidoscopeREVIEW BY HAROLD MUSIC CORRESPONDENT PIERS WAGHORN:

Parents attending last night’s “Christmas Kaleidoscope” concert at Harold Village Comprehensive were forced to sit through 90 minutes of excruciating toss before reaching a song they actually recognised.

In a bid to give an exciting modern flavour to the event, a musical set was designed with barely any recognisable content at all.

A first glance at the programme (kindly printed by the local branch of Dyno-rod) gave no hint of the horrors to come.

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by | September 7, 2015 · 1:54 pm

ISIS claim responsibility for destruction of ‘superhenge’

henge

An artist’s impression of some rocks, in happier times.

An online video allegedly posted by ISIS has claimed responsibility for the destruction of a stone circle in Wiltshire.

The henge features around 100 giant stones, which have been deliberately toppled into holes and covered with earth.

Archeologists described the attack as ‘fairly easy to reverse’, rather than ‘sickening’, which the media had been hoping for.

In the video, a disguised man bragged that ISIS had attacked the stones with machetes. When this failed to work, they had shot at them, and then tried to set fire to them.
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by | September 9, 2014 · 11:07 am

‘Super moon’ damages church roof

mooon

PC Flegg claimed that several moons had been reported in the area.

Monday night’s ‘super moon’ has left a trail of descruction, culminating in damage to Harold’s village church.

The enormous moon was spotted by concerned locals as early as 6.30pm, and police were called to try and persuade it to ‘nick off’.

PC Anita Flegg attempted to move it along, and was eventually forced to deploy her taser. But it continued to loiter, and leaned heavily on the church roof. Flegg claimed the moon was ‘completely unphased’.

Despite an empassioned speech by the Reverend Tansy Forster, the moon dislodged several tiles, before bending the pointed bit with a small cock on the top.
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by | August 19, 2014 · 11:00 am

Now Sainsbury’s decides not to sell Christmas items for fear of offending anyone

Never knowingly upsetting

Never knowingly upsetting

Straight after the news that Sainsbury’s had withdrawn all meat products, due to concerns about protesting vegetarians, and vegetables due to fears of upsetting meat eaters, the retail giant has announced they will not stock any Christmas related items in the run up to December 25th.

“It wasn’t an easy decision,” said a spokesperson, “ the run up to Christmas is usually our busiest time, but the majority of our customers aren’t real Christians and we didn’t want them to become upset and start cutting people’s heads off and putting the footage on twitter. That wouldn’t be great publicity, would it?” Continue reading →

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by | May 6, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Jobseekers will be ‘forced to build pyramids’

iain-duncan-smith-pyramid

A cold block of stone with an empty tomb for a heart

Jobseekers face losing their benefits for three months if they refuse to take roles as pyramid-building slaves, a letter from a Conservative minister has revealed.

For the first time, benefit claimants are at risk of penalties if they do not apply for and accept zero-hours contracts moving giant blocks of stone on crude wooden rollers under the harsh Egyptian sun, according to the new universal credit system.

Last week, the Office of National Statistics revealed that the number of contracts which do not guarantee minimum hours but do guarantee you having your back ripped open by whips while slowly dying of dehydration has reached 1.4 million. Continue reading →

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by | April 25, 2014 · 7:00 am

Cornish people officially awarded ‘odd’ status

cornwall

Sinister much?

The people of Cornwall were celebrating today after finally gaining official ‘odd’ status under European rules.

Following a campaign of sustained oddness for many years, this ruling gives the Cornish the same status as other ‘odd’ communities such as the Welsh and fans of homeopathic medicine.

Chief Secretary to the Treasury Danny Alexander made the announcement during a hurried visit to the county. At a press conference in Bodmin, his eyes nervously sweeping the crowd for for first signs of trouble, he spoke of his delight and nagging anxiety:

“Cornish people have a proud history and a distinct identity. I always get a strange feeling when I cross the Tamar going on holiday to Truro. Nothing you could put your finger on really, waiters spitting on my scrambled eggs, locals pissing in my petrol tank – a bit like going to Wales but without the welcoming smiles.” Continue reading →

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by | April 9, 2014 · 7:00 am

NZ Tour Latest: Kate Middleton to walk naked into fire with large, leathery eggs

george and dragon

Mother of George, and Dragon.

All eyes will be on the Duchess of Cambridge this afternoon, as she takes up her rightful role of ‘Mother of Dragons’ during the royal tour of New Zealand.

Wearing a red Catherine Walker coat initially to hide her royal nuddiness, the sylph-like Kate will disrobe away from the cameras. She will then slip into something a little less comfortable, namely an 80-foot high funeral pyre.

“Tradition dictates that the Lady Regnant of the Wider Gene Pool shall smoke an unsavoury hag during the birthing ceremony”, revealed a nerd inexplicably dressed as a dwarf. “She’s chosen Celia Wade-Brown, the mayor of Wellington, after the comments she made on Twitter.”
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by | March 18, 2014 · 11:00 am

The Beast of Harold (an unsolved mystery)

Beast of Harold (artist's impression)

Beast of Harold (artist’s impression)

Villagers on the outskirts of Harold spoke yesterday of their fear and horror after numerous sightings of a mysterious beast were reported.

Residents spoke of hearing a continuous low growl, the sound of claws scraping over stone, a heavy chain dragging and other sinister and otherworldly noises.

Those who saw what has been called The Beast of Harold, describe it as a large, dog-like dark-furred animal, around the size of a Shetland pony and with amber eyes which blazed an iridescent green in torchlight.

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by | March 14, 2014 · 11:00 am

Welsh roadsign translator ‘just changed the font’

welcomesign

Suspicions were raised when roadside spitoons were found to be empty.

A translation firm specialising in Welsh roadsigns is under fire from auditors, following claims that they were just changing the font.

Bilingual signs ranging from ‘Give Over’, ‘Think bikier’ and ‘You’re Welcome to Wrexham’ had been commissioned through ‘Inphlegmation Services’, and hung all over the hilly area to the left of the country.
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by | January 28, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Local simpleton claims flooding ’caused by rain’

rain

Idiot also blamed avalanches on snow.

An idiot has been ridiculed by politicians from all parties for suggesting a link between rainfall and flooding.

Notorious mouth-breather Jeremy Hostage made the howler at an emergency council meeting, set up to discuss how to combine flood defences with witch hunts.

“Eddie of the Pagan Party had just claimed that the badger cull was to blame”, said Cllr Ron Ronnson. “He produced some pretty convincing data that this had angered Agrona, the goddess of slaughter. According to Eddie she’s ‘besties’ with Addanc the Primordial Giant, so he surfed here from his home on the Lake of Waves and punished us with floods and damp sofas.”

Nigel Forage of the Bigot Party condemned Eddie as a heathen, and explained that a lesbian wedding was more likely to blame. Ron Ronnson dismissed this theory as ‘nonsense’ but didn’t completely rule out snogging Forage, to see if either of them got wet.
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