Cornish people officially awarded ‘odd’ status

Sinister much?

The people of Cornwall were celebrating today after finally gaining official ‘odd’ status under European rules.

Following a campaign of sustained oddness for many years, this ruling gives the Cornish the same status as other ‘odd’ communities such as the Welsh and fans of homeopathic medicine.

Chief Secretary to the Treasury Danny Alexander made the announcement during a hurried visit to the county. At a press conference in Bodmin, his eyes nervously sweeping the crowd for for first signs of trouble, he spoke of his delight and nagging anxiety:

“Cornish people have a proud history and a distinct identity. I always get a strange feeling when I cross the Tamar going on holiday to Truro. Nothing you could put your finger on really, waiters spitting on my scrambled eggs, locals pissing in my petrol tank – a bit like going to Wales but without the welcoming smiles.”

“Er, ‘proper job..?’ Don’t hurt me,” he added.

Martyn Oates, BBC political editor for the South West, explained the practical impact of the change:

“Official European ‘Odd’ status means that government departments will be required to take Cornwall’s views into account when making decisions, in much the same way as you would take the presence of a drunk tramp with a knife into account before deciding whether to enter a railway carriage.”

“It ensures that national minorities are prevented from discrimination and hatred from outside, but fortunately does not impose any rules on discrimination and hatred going the other way.”

For journalists brave enough to get close, Cornish ‘characters’ spoke movingly of their joy at being finally recognised for what they are.

Grand Bard of Cornwall, Maureen Fuller gave an impromptu speech on the virtues of oddness, or possibly her own pastie recipe, saying: “Piddledowndidda? Wasson? Teasy as an adder, dreckly, me ‘andsome. Gusson.”

When it was pointed out that other Celtic regions have already gained parliaments and independence referendums, she said something which no-one managed to catch, ending in “… caaaaaaarnntsss!”

As celebrations gather pace, the Cornish have extended a cordial invitation to David Cameron to pay a visit “of his own free will, representing the law” to inspect the impressively large wicker man they have been building.