“WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!”
Following John Lewis and Sainsbury’s, Bargain Booze have become the latest retailer to unveil their Christmas TV advert.
The UK off licence chain have worked tirelessly on the ad, which aired for the first time at 9.15 last night on Challenge, during the first break in a repeat of a 2011 episode of Pointless. Continue reading
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I don’t care how much you earn mate, if you do manual work you’re not coming in
Supermarket chain Waitrose have introduced bouncers onto the doors of their Leighton Buzzard store in an attempt to ensure that only ‘the right sort of person’ shops there.
The trial, which if successful will be extended to all Waitrose stores, is aiming to provide traditional Waitrose customers with a more pleasant shopping experience, and is based around a ‘think 25’ policy. If the bouncers suspect that a customer earns less than £40k a year they will refuse them entry unless they can prove that they earn more than £25k. Continue reading
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Never knowingly upsetting
Straight after the news that Sainsbury’s had withdrawn all meat products, due to concerns about protesting vegetarians, and vegetables due to fears of upsetting meat eaters, the retail giant has announced they will not stock any Christmas related items in the run up to December 25th.
“It wasn’t an easy decision,” said a spokesperson, “ the run up to Christmas is usually our busiest time, but the majority of our customers aren’t real Christians and we didn’t want them to become upset and start cutting people’s heads off and putting the footage on twitter. That wouldn’t be great publicity, would it?” Continue reading
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Very little help.
In an effort to win back market share from budget brand shops, Tesco are taking on Aldi by buying up a range of charity food banks.
With Sainsburys relaunching Netto, Tesco are keen to compete in the shame end of the market. “We’re talking abject humiliation here, not the mild embarrassment of our long-standing ‘Value’ range.”
“We thought of bringing back Happy Shopper, I certainly remember being bullied for having their crisps in my school lunch box”, said Tesco director Alan Soylent. “But our research shows that ‘food banks’ are currently dominating the downtrodden sector. Shame is very marketable at the moment.”
Crying is now a Christmas tradition.
Harold’s local businesses are taking their lead from some of the countries leading retailers and trying their hardest to reduce their customers to tears in a hope to increase Christmas sales.
Chamber of Commerce Chairwoman Pippa Delaney explained the initiative.
“The idea came to me watching my husband dissolve into a whimpering wreck after the John Lewis and Sainsbury’s contrived tear jerkers. I pitched it to the rest of the Chamber, and we soon came up with some really good ideas to get our punters weeping.”
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