Tesco takes on Aldi by monetizing food banks

Very little help.

In an effort to win back market share from budget brand shops, Tesco are taking on Aldi by buying up a range of charity food banks.

With Sainsburys relaunching Netto, Tesco are keen to compete in the shame end of the market. “We’re talking abject humiliation here, not the mild embarrassment of our long-standing ‘Value’ range.”

“We thought of bringing back Happy Shopper, I certainly remember being bullied for having their crisps in my school lunch box”, said Tesco director Alan Soylent. “But our research shows that ‘food banks’ are currently dominating the downtrodden sector. Shame is very marketable at the moment.”

To save time from staff rubbing the chip on customers’ credit cards before pretending ‘the system must be down’, Foodbank Express will only accept cash.

“Our customers tell us that it’s mortifying when their payments are rejected, so to counter that, we’ll only accept cold, hard cash. Pounds, dollars or jewellery, or even lumps of unwanted gold. With us here to help you, there’s no excuse to starve your kids.”

Tesco is trialling the new brand from a shed next to the skips at the back of one of their hypermarkets.

“While some customers will notice an infinite rise in prices compared with last week, Foodbank Express will still be very, very slightly cheaper than Lidl”, insisted Soylent. “At least in areas where there is a Lidl within grovelling distance.”

Foodbank Express hopes to win a loyal band of followers by handing out cards with ‘Loyal’ printed on them. As Soylent explained, “If you collect enough points, you could win a Marks and Spencers bag to carry your shopping home in.”