Author Archives: button

About button

...
by | July 28, 2016 · 7:00 am

Hipster aiming for Harold sweet spot

haribo

Junkies lured in by innocuous photos of ‘works’ can be addicted in minutes

Inspired by East London’s Cereal Killer Café, Harold’s resident Hipster Simon Delaney has set up the worlds first Haribo Bar.

Sporting a top knot, twirly tache and dressed like a tramp, Simon’s pop up shop can be found in Harold’s ‘East End’ of the high street, between the Methodist Church and the Library.

Stocking all your favourite flavours, Simon’s also sourced some of the funny foreign ones from Poundland. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Hipster aiming for Harold sweet spot

Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle

Tagged as , , , ,

by | July 31, 2015 · 2:00 pm

Church backs campaign to ‘name our God’

I quite like Tony if anyone’s interested.

From Allah to Zeus, from Acan to Zinsi, religious types like to name their gods. Except Christians! ‘Blessed be thy name’ goes their favourite prayer, but what is it? Well now their prayers will be answered, as this summer sees the launch of an international campaign to give the world’s favourite omnipotent being a name.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Church backs campaign to ‘name our God’

Filed under International News, Religion, Tony Blair

Tagged as , , ,

by | June 13, 2015 · 2:00 pm

Harold Mayor ‘outed as white’ by his own family

Minstrel

Rufus D Jackson in his mayoral robes

Harold Mayor and one time US movie star Rufus D. Jackson has been ‘outed’ as a white man by his parents.

Derek & Rita Jackson wrote to The Evening Harold from their home in South Yorkshire, alleging that Rufus has been falsely portraying himself as black for many years.

We spoke with Derek, a retired duck farmer, and Rita, a former nursery nurse. They told us that Rufus was born Richard Derek Jackson, and began blacking up in 1972 in order to break into the blaxplotation film industry. Rufus enjoyed a successful movie carer, staring in many films including Black Knuckle Sandwich, Black Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, and Black Fruit Punch, before returning to the UK to pursue his love of local politics.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Harold Mayor ‘outed as white’ by his own family

Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics

Tagged as , ,

by | October 3, 2014 · 4:55 pm

Cat owners open gardens for public defecation

I'd give it 5 minutes if I were you

“I’d give it five minutes. Make that ten”

Residents of the village of Harold are celebrating the introduction of an ancient bylaw forcing cat owners to open up their gardens for the general public to defecate in.

This delightful community event owes its success to many hours work by local police officer P.C Anita Flegg. It’s no free for all though, gardens must be open to the public between 9.00am and 6.30pm every second Sunday of the month, with cat owners obliged to provide tea, cake and wet wipes to all visitors.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Cat owners open gardens for public defecation

Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, News, Uncategorized

Tagged as , , ,

by | July 23, 2014 · 11:00 am

Make up counter girl to Clown is natural evolution

test card

A make-up girl experiments with genetic modification.

After a 50 year quest, scientists have finally unravelled the bizarre origins of Clowns.

Love them or fear them, with their bright red noses and funny fall down trousers, Clowns are woven into our society. Since the first recorded sighting of a Clown in 1954 they have multiplied exponentially in number, and can be found everywhere from children’s parties, to younger children’s parties.

Geneticists studying Clowns have confirmed they are one of the strangest abnormalities in the animal kingdom with the first complete analysis of its fully decoded genome.

Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Fashion, science

Tagged as , , , ,

by | June 18, 2014 · 7:00 am

Local man inspired by Phil Neville

unicorn

A bear on fire on a motorbike fighting off Christ the Redeemer for stealing his unicorn

Inspired by the plethora of ‘expert analysts’ prevalent on the television during the current World Cup, local entrepreneur Andy Warder has started a new consultancy business.

“I got the idea whilst listening to experts such as Robbie Savage, Danny Murphy and Andy Townsend on the telly, and I immediately set about honing my mathematical equation during half time in the France v Honduras match. It’s simple: Expert analysis = description of an event you have witnessed + cliché.

Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Media, World Cup

Tagged as , ,

by | May 22, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Cliff finally comes out of the closet

Cliff closet

Cliff chose the popular IKEA ‘Syndrome’ wardrobe, which is made in Stockholm.

Harold’s very own magician and illusionist Cliff Platt has finally emerged from his latest David Blaine-style feat of endurance, having spent the last 79 days in a closet.

Cliff exited his self imposed incarceration to loud applause from his publicist, looking gaunt, weary, and smelling of his own faeces.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Cliff finally comes out of the closet

Filed under Showbusiness

Tagged as , , ,

by | May 3, 2014 · 1:30 pm

Why do Harold Mums know best – because I said so, that’s why.

gin-bad

Dietary advice not well received by parents

The National Association of Head Teachers (NAHT) is  issuing advice to parents about how to keep their children happy, news which has angered some in the local community. “Tell your children you love them, keep them clean, and let them help with exotic cooking” are some of the patronising tips which will appear in a leaflet to be sent home with parents.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Why do Harold Mums know best – because I said so, that’s why.

Filed under Education, News, Politics

Tagged as , , , ,

by | March 25, 2014 · 11:00 am

Met office to forecast your future

Michael PiscesNational weather guessrs the Met Office are branching out into a new variety of forecasting. Starting next week they’ll be watching the sky maps to provide us with daily horoscopes.

It’s an open secret that some of the nation’s best known weather broadcasters are keen astrologists with Michale ‘Fickle’ Fish and Ian ‘Mystic Mac’ McCaskill famed for their powers of foresight.

We managed to speak to top weatherist Carol Kirkwood offa the BBC, and she gave us a sneak preview of what we can expect “With temperatures soaring in middle England this week, Libras in the Harold area may begin to feel the heat. You will be tempted to pull a sickie and sunbathe, but be carefully optimistically cautious about complications this may cause around money.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Met office to forecast your future

Filed under News, Weather

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | March 15, 2014 · 3:30 pm

P45 Special Delivery for Pat

pat P45Royal Mail have sensationally sacked maybe their most popular postman Pat Clifton this afternoon. It follows a run of disciplinary actions in recent years since Mr Clifton was appointed head of Special Deliveries in and around the Greendale area.

Spokeswoman for Royal Mail Euphegenia Goggins said this afternoon: “It is with great regret that the company announces the contract of Pat Clifton has been terminated with immediate effect. Since taking on the role of special deliveries in September 2008 Pat has had been tasked with making 1,825 delivers under the Royal Mail Special Delivery premium next day guarantee service. Sadly he has lost or broken 1,819 of these. To be honest we started to think he was sabotaging his own deliveries, only to rescue them again thus appearing as a hero to the local folk.”

Continue reading →

Comments Off on P45 Special Delivery for Pat

Filed under breaking news, News

Tagged as , , , ,

by | January 8, 2014 · 11:00 am

Floods latest: MPs accused of ‘sandbagging’

picklebags

Eric Pickles does his bit for flood defences.

The Environment Agency is poised to commence a new Government venture today in an effort to protect Britain’s coastlines from further flooding caused by the current storms battering the South West.

It has been feared that budget cuts will have severe impact on the department’s ability to respond to emergencies. However Environment Secretary Owen Patterson has responded to these claims with the announcement that Civil Servants will be used to replace traditional Sea Defences. “Inanimate, deadweight and wet, Civil Servants make the ideal replacement for the sandbags we can no longer afford.” he told the commons yesterday. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Floods latest: MPs accused of ‘sandbagging’

Filed under News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | November 20, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Harold traders dreaming of a tearful Christmas

tears

Crying is now a Christmas tradition.

Harold’s local businesses are taking their lead from some of the countries leading retailers and trying their hardest to reduce their customers to tears in a hope to increase Christmas sales.

Chamber of Commerce Chairwoman Pippa Delaney explained the initiative.

“The idea came to me watching my husband dissolve into a whimpering wreck after the John Lewis and Sainsbury’s contrived tear jerkers. I pitched it to the rest of the Chamber, and we soon came up with some really good ideas to get our punters weeping.”

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Harold traders dreaming of a tearful Christmas

Filed under Business

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

by | October 25, 2013 · 11:00 am

God announces cabinet reshuffle

God

Despite omnipotence, God may still need to rely on coalition with Nick Clegg.

Omnipotent Christian deity God has spent the day changing some faces in his cabinet in the first reshuffle for over 2000 years. Many involved are household names and the shake up is seen as significant on earth as it is in heaven.

The big loser is God’s long time wing man Jesus of Nazareth, whose coveted position of ‘sitting at the right hand of God’ has gone to Princess Diana. The heavenly father has recently faced fresh accusations of nepotism as well as a failure to represent females in positions of power, and has seemingly smote two birds with one stone.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on God announces cabinet reshuffle

Filed under News, Politics, Religion

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

by | July 27, 2013 · 8:00 am

Would you like access to this article?

Pencil making a check sign in a round cornered box. Isolated on white.

Harold authorities are planning a radical overhaul of crime and anti-social behaviour prevention techniques. In light of the Prime Minister’s recently announced plans to tackle on-line perverts by asking them if they wish to access porn before they access porn, Councillor Ron Ronsson has unveiled plans to replicate the strategy in a number of other areas.

In retail, shoppers visiting the Tesco Express on the high street will be asked when entering the store if they require access to alcohol and tobacco. Councillor Ronsson assures us he is almost certain someone somewhere has done a study to show this will reduce sales of these potentially harmful products. And Julie , owner of ‘Cuts Both Ways’, will be checking with all her customers that they want access to potentially sharp instruments before they are allowed entry to her scissor emporium.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Would you like access to this article?

Filed under Crime, News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

by | July 6, 2013 · 9:44 am

Beatles album competition reaches end of long and winding road

beach-boys-standard-pet-soundsHarold resident Alfie Brooks was delighted yesterday to be named as the winner of one of Britain’s longest running competitions.

Ringo Starr and Paul MacCartney both made the trip to Harold in person to announce Alfie as the winner of the “Which is the best Beatles album?” competition launched in 1970.

The competition was originally due to end in 1971, when George Martin sent the answer to Ringo. However Ringo misplaced the envelope and assuming it had been used as roach material, they decided to ‘Let it be’ and the competition rumble on for a further 42 years…outliving two of the Beatles! The contest has led to fierce debate around the country, not least in the Squirrel Lickers Arms where the pub landlord Eddie once broke a regular’s femur for suggesting that Rubber Soul was better than Abbey Road. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Beatles album competition reaches end of long and winding road

Filed under Around Harold, Art, Crime

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | June 14, 2013 · 11:30 am

Private prison catchment area sees criminals lying to get admittance

The brochure describes the prison pool as one of the finest in the UK

The brochure describes the prison pool as one of the finest in the UK

With the education system bringing a larger gap in quality between private and state schools, the privatisation of prisons has seen a record numbers of criminal families going to increasing lengths to get their kin into Dunstable’s private prison operated by G4S, as opposed to other local state alternatives.

“We have found people using false addresses, lying about siblings who are already in the prison and even impersonating family members in an attempt to secure places” the Governor of the prison has said.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Private prison catchment area sees criminals lying to get admittance

Filed under Crime, News

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | June 10, 2013 · 7:00 am

Ham fisted meat whisperer with loose lips

meat inspector

“a week on Tuesday”

Harold’s abattoir ‘Stun Guns n Gas Hoses’ is centre to yet further scandal this week after information received from a whistleblower working at the plant has led to an urgent investigation by the Food Standards Agency (FSA).

With the furore surrounding the horse meat scandal seemingly over, those in the animal slaughtering industry had been hoping for a return to normality, but the latest revelation is far more shocking than a little Shergar in your sausages.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Ham fisted meat whisperer with loose lips

Filed under Crime, News

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | May 10, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Jeremy Vine solves slight disagreement – very few injured

vineish

Vine not looking his best in the Lickers just before 4am, wearing special radio shoes coated in sick

One of Harold’s most controversial issues has finally been laid to rest, after a chance visit from Radio 2’s Jeremy Vine.

Anyone who knows Harold also knows just how divisive opinions can be. Over the years the village has seen arguments between neighbours and friends, and even the odd family feud. Many a punch up in the Squirrel Lickers Arms has been blamed on disagreements, together with copious amounts of over-priced alcohol.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Jeremy Vine solves slight disagreement – very few injured

Filed under Around Harold, Golden Showers, News, Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , , , , , , ,

by | April 22, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Murderous magician will find out what his Wandsworth

pistolwandOne of Harold’s most beguiling mysteries has finally been solved, and sadly proven to be a most despicable and gruesome crime.

Every local knew and loved the spectacular magic show put on annually by local magician “The Great Haroldo”. Although a touring performer he would end his season every year in Harold, and has done so for over 20 years. The pinnacle of the show was always a grand illusion which would culminate in a member of the audience disappearing.

In the early years the volunteer would always re-appear, looking slightly shaken, and return to their seat. However every year since 1997 the volunteer has failed to re-materialise, and none has ever been seen again.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Murderous magician will find out what his Wandsworth

Filed under Crime, DNA, Golden Showers, International News

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

by | April 13, 2013 · 6:00 pm

Mute child wins local talent show – set for international stardom

search for a star copy12 year old Harold resident Erica Carter’s story is certainly sadder than most, and she’s not what many would consider a natural star of the stage.

Born a mute, her mother died during the delivery of Erica and her twin brother Graham. Her father was driven to alcohol dependency under the stress of caring for the two children alone, and eventually took his own life when the twins were 5. Shunted from children’s home to children’s home, Erica could always rely on the support and voice of her brother, until he died two years later in a tragic landfill accident. Erica’s grandmother emigrated to the UK from Australia to care for her, moving to Harold to provide the warmth of a family she so badly needed. Sadly her grandmother passed away last August.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Mute child wins local talent show – set for international stardom

Filed under Around Harold, Golden Showers, News, Showbusiness

Tagged as , , , , , ,