A committee of MPs has published a report today that suggests Vince Cable sold his soul too cheaply.
They have said Mr Cable, along with other Liberal Democrats, panicked, selling their souls, morals and ethics for the measly price of an unwinnable AV referendum all to secure a quick coalition.
Mr Cable’s soul and morals were originally valued at free tuition fees and a £2m mansion tax, however he sold them off for a promise of a public vote and a bit of power.
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Royal Mail have sensationally sacked maybe their most popular postman Pat Clifton this afternoon. It follows a run of disciplinary actions in recent years since Mr Clifton was appointed head of Special Deliveries in and around the Greendale area.
Spokeswoman for Royal Mail Euphegenia Goggins said this afternoon: “It is with great regret that the company announces the contract of Pat Clifton has been terminated with immediate effect. Since taking on the role of special deliveries in September 2008 Pat has had been tasked with making 1,825 delivers under the Royal Mail Special Delivery premium next day guarantee service. Sadly he has lost or broken 1,819 of these. To be honest we started to think he was sabotaging his own deliveries, only to rescue them again thus appearing as a hero to the local folk.”
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Sell-off was brainchild of evil, greedy toad
The world’s greatest rodent detective could soon be living in a dog poo bin, thanks to an evil plot to evict him by Baron Silas Greenback.
That’s the claim of an angry-sounding mouse in a white catsuit, who told us his secret lair has been privatised from under his whiskers.
Danger Mouse and long-term partner Penfold (a chubby, bookish hamster) have co-habited their central London apartment since the mid 1980s. With their shared interests in galactic politics, animal rights and all types of cosplay, the couple have spent many a happy hour gnawing at bars and putting the world to rights.
But now the vintage pillar box that they have so long called home has been sold from over them in a stock market flotation. The pair fear they will no longer be able to return from a hard-days super-heroing and relax in the bath: Danger Mouse claims he can smell a rat.
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Postman Pat has spoken of his dismay at being the last children’s TV character to be privatised. This latest selling off of a public owned service has seen residents in Greendale concerned that their friendly local postie may not be allowed to carry out tasks irrelevant to his job of posting letters and delivering parcels in the future.
Speaking from his disproportionate head, Pat said: “I have spent many years helping the local farmer catch his livestock, building tunnels for hedgehogs and saving the village’s kids from all sorts of trouble, all on work’s time.”
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Harold’s long term postman, Jack Thornley, has announced he is to return £120 he earned last year from Royal Mail customers’ birthday cards.
The figure is a ‘posties bonus’ that is earned on top of their annual salary and is paid to reward employees who take the time to not only shake for coins, but also have the foresight to delve further in to the cards on the hunt for high value paper.
His offer to pay the money back to the intended recipients comes on the back of the decision by Royal Mail chief executive Moya Greene to pay back £120,000 she received towards the cost of a new house. This was on top of her nearly £500,000-a-year salary and other bonuses which all total £1.47m.
“I realise that in times of austerity it is wrong that I should continue to accept the money sent to villagers in birthday cards” Mr Thornley said. “If our chief executive can take moral stance on bonuses she shouldn’t be really have been paid in the first place, then so can I.”
Although the move has been welcomed by the village’s residents, it has been condemned by the Communication Workers Union.
“We have spent many years and numerous strikes trying to uphold our members pay and conditions” a spokesman for the CWU told us.
“The ‘finders keepers’ clause has been around since 1934 and Mr Thornley’s actions are an insult to all those posties that got arrested for theft, fighting for the right to intercept customers’ gifts”
Mr Thornley’s moral crusade will start next week when he will begin redistributing his gains, but he has warned his customers not to expect a lot.
“The total I earned from cards last year was actually £585 and an Ann Summers gift card, but as the cash element of the bonus has already been spent, I shall only be returning the named cheques I couldn’t cash in.”
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