Postman Pat ‘dismayed’ to be latest cartoon character privatised


Postman Pat has spoken of his dismay at being the last children’s TV character to be privatised. This latest selling off of a public owned service has seen residents in Greendale concerned that their friendly local postie may not be allowed to carry out tasks irrelevant to his job of posting letters and delivering parcels in the future.

Speaking from his disproportionate head, Pat said: “I have spent many years helping the local farmer catch his livestock, building tunnels for hedgehogs and saving the village’s kids from all sorts of trouble, all on work’s time.”

“Granted, the many years I have spent ‘helping’ Greendale’s single women on my rounds mean there is a good chance most of those children are mine, but stricter rules under privatisation mean that they are at risk, as is the population growth around here.”

Pat’s union, the Communications Workers’ Union (CWU), says that although safeguards to his terms and conditions were being put in place for three years, there was no guarantee that after that period he would still be allowed to be accompanied on his rounds by his domestic pet.

The union is also concerned about the affect on recent changes of Greendale’s postal service that Pat has introduced. Over the last 2 years, in his bid to modernise the service, Pat has invested in GPS, a smart phone and a helicopter that he pilots himself, but concerns over health and safety may see private owners ground the helicopter until Pat has got his pilot’s licence. He may also be forced to make the aircraft more cost effective by serving more than just one village with it.

This is the first cartoon character to have been put into private hands since Northern Rock was sold, however the hatred felt towards the financial sector and his home on Channel 5 meant the not many people knew of, or held affection for Georgie the Geordie Banker.

Speaking about the affect privatisation had on his own work, Thomas the Tank Engine, who was privatised in 1993, told us: “since Margret Thatcher sold me the rail network off, I have seen my workload quadruple.”

“Before I could get away with pulling only 2 carriages around all day, and very rarely did I have to actually to take any fare-paying customers. Now I pull so many carriages I can’t tell you all of their names and I have the word Virgin written in six-foot letters down my side.”

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