Tag Archives: World Cup

England gripped with third-place playoff fever

“No-one remembers who finished fourth”

England fans up and down the country are waking up this morning salivating at the prospect of Saturday’s playoff against Belgium to decide which team bags the highly-prized World Cup third place.

“No-one remembers who finished fourth,” explained manager Gareth Southgate. “That’s what I’ve told the lads, as if any extra motivation were needed.”

England’s failure in the 1990 third-place playoff remains a painful memory for the nation, and Saturday’s big game is a long-awaited chance to finally put the demons of missing out on the coveted bronze medal to rest.

“It’s like fourth, but one better,” clarified Southgate. “Which would STILL be our best result since 1966. So that makes it exciting and not a pathetic waste of time, right? Here come the Belgians, right?”

“Oh fuck,” he added. “I can’t do it anymore. Can’t we just fucking come home?”

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England squander glorious chance to lose penalty shootout

England football fans are panicking that their 4 yearly bout of misery is turning totally pear-shaped and they might just win the World Cup.

Fans had to endure being ahead until just before the end of normal time when a Colombian header gave hope they’d suffer a humiliating exit. Extra time revived hopes as England clinically steered the ball into the direction of their own net. Unfortunately those hopes proved to be in vain after England squandered a glorious chance to lose the penalty shootout after Henderson looked to have made them safe with a tame miss.
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English invent the new sport of being English – England lose first game

Prince Harry's choice of kit didn't go down well

Prince Harry’s choice of kit didn’t go down well

With the sporting world being dominated by sports invented by the English but won by everyone else, the English have invented a new game in the hope it is one only they can win; the new sport of being English.

Sadly England lost the inaugural game, going down to a 134-0 defeat amid some questionable tactical decisions.

Leading the England forward attack were Prince William and Hugh Grant, two players considered to be the embodiment of Englishness.

Sadly the game was lost when these two giants in the game started talking in German from the first whistle

The team’s manager, Queen Elizabeth couldn’t hide her frustration from the touchline and was heard to shout to her players “was machst du?”

Speaking at her post match press conference, QE2 told reporters: “By speaking German they lost us the game. Obviously the rules state you need to speak perfect English, with more points awarded the more plums you have in your mouth.

“But speaking another language isn’t in the rules of being English. We tried to win the game back by having Steve McClaren come on and start speaking to foreigners in English but with a bad foreign accent and a slightly raised voice, but the game was already lost.”

England’s chances had already taken a blow before the match had even started. Typical English Tory toff Jacob Rees-Mogg was due to be playing the vital midfield dynamo role but sent his Swiss nanny on instead.

The support from the fans was also disappointing from an English point of view. Known for following the England football team in a traditional brassy way, the England Supporters Band turned up to get behind the team. Although confusion set in when they substituted ‘The Great Escape’ for the French national anthem played on vuvuzelas.

A last minute attempt to win the game came as everyone on the England team indulged in a round of binge drinking, throwing up, and fighting each other for no apparent reason, but sadly this all came after the final whistle and outside the stadium.

Unfortunately, things don’t look good for the future of England in the new sport of being English. Losing this inaugural game so emphatically can only be a bad omen seeing as they didn’t yet have an opponent.

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Qatar’s slave labour grateful to have unbearably hot summer to finish stadia

Qatar’s slave labour has said it welcomes FIFA’s recommendation that the 2022 World Cup should be held a few months later than normal, giving them more chance of them finishing the stadia on time, and therefore less chance of having their Human Rights violated for being late.
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Tour de France still happening

Still going

Still going

The 2014 Tour de France is apparently still going on, despite all the riders having left England two weeks ago.

This year’s race began in Leeds on July 5th and the move to Britain proved a great success, with an estimated 2.5 million spectators lining the route over the opening weekend in order to look at the foreigners in funny clothes. After covering over two hundred miles around Yorkshire the competitors headed for London, before crossing to France the following day, at which point everybody lost interest. Continue reading

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Germany win World Cup: English racists definitely need a new chant


What’s two world wars and one world cup compared to peaceful reunifcation, FOUR world cups and fabulous sausages?

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New crack in universe traced to Brazil football defeat


Brazilian net ‘like a black hole’

A massive super-fissure in the fabric of the universe was most likely caused by Brazil’s unprecedented thrashing by Germany, claim scientists at Jodrell Bank.

“The devastating effect of Brazil’s defeat should not be understated,” said Professor Brian Cox. “It almost destroyed the universe.”

The giant crack was first observed Tuesday evening and opened up wide enough to give astrophysicists an unparalleled view of a parallel universe.

“We sat awhile watching an alternative reality fixture between Brazil and Germany,” continued Cox. “The first 80 minutes were much the same as in our own universe, with Germany holding a 7-goal lead over the opposition. But matters took a different turn when the managers made their substitutions.”

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‘We would have beaten Germany’ insists Roy Hodgson

Currently on the run: may be delusional.

Currently on the run: may be delusional.

England coach Roy Hodgson has come out of hiding to give his astonishing opinion on Germany’s 7-1 destruction of Brazil in last night in the World Cup semi-final.

Wearing dark sunglasses and a dazed expression which could have been down to too many Piña Coladas, sunstroke or simply age, the man who lead England to elimination after only two games maintained that his England team could easily have beaten Germany to secure a place in the World Cup final. Continue reading

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World Cup memorabilia item 423 – Authentic Luis Suarez mask

An exact replica of the one that should have been worn by Luiz Suarez

An exact replica of the one that should have been worn by Luis Suarez

Are you partial to a bit of Italian meat during your football match?

Do you prefer your half-time oranges to be blood oranges?

Are your opponents keen on finishing the game with the same amount of digits as they started with?

Then you need the World Cup edition of the Luis Suarez mask. With enough space for even the most horse-like set of teeth, this mask will give you comfort without the risk of you taking a lump out of someone’s shoulder.

In the colours of the Uruguay national team, this replica is exactly the same specification as the one that should have been worn by the Uruguayan Number 9.

This muli-purpose mask can also be used in conjunction with a straight jacket by radio DJs from the 70s

To order yours, simply call Harold 999-I8U

Warning: Keep children’s fingers away from ventilation holes. May contain someone who is nuts 

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Local man inspired by Phil Neville


A bear on fire on a motorbike fighting off Christ the Redeemer for stealing his unicorn

Inspired by the plethora of ‘expert analysts’ prevalent on the television during the current World Cup, local entrepreneur Andy Warder has started a new consultancy business.

“I got the idea whilst listening to experts such as Robbie Savage, Danny Murphy and Andy Townsend on the telly, and I immediately set about honing my mathematical equation during half time in the France v Honduras match. It’s simple: Expert analysis = description of an event you have witnessed + cliché.

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Phil Neville fails Turing test


A robot yesterday

Phil Neville has failed to convince a panel of experts that he is human, it emerged today.

This is believed to be the first time that a football pundit has failed the ‘Turing Test’, a standard way of distinguishing between a lifeless mechanical robot and a computer.

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Man admits ‘I haven’t got a clue what the World Cup’s about’


“So one ball starts in the middle but then what happens to the quaffle and the bludgers?”

Despite the almost world wide interest and obsession with the World Cup, a Harold man today admitted he has neither any interest in it, nor the first clue what is actually going on.

In a move almost guaranteed to see him mocked, derided and shunned by 95% of the male population, villager Darryl Alesworth admitted in a pub conversation that he has to ask his wife to explain what is going on on the big grass patch on the tv. Continue reading

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Amazonians agree to move allotments from England World Cup game pitch

"Just a few finishing touches needed"

“Just a few finishing touches needed”

Hopes for an improvement in the condition of the pitch for England’s opening match are high after local gardeners agreed to remove their allotments from the playing area for the duration of the game.

With 48 hours to go to the kick off it was clear that a lot of work was still required, but the head groundsman was pleased to report that the field was looking more ready for football with the goal nets having been hung on the runner bean poles now relocated to either end of the ground. Continue reading

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Award of 2022 World Cup to Sicily “not due to corruption” says Mafia Don

Journalists strongly advised not to ask too many questions

Journalists strongly advised not to ask too many questions

FIFA were caught up in further controversy today following their decision to strip the hosting of the 2022 World Cup from Qatar and instead award it to Sicily.

Critics are claiming that the new vote was, if anything, even more corrupt than the original process that saw the World Cup awarded to Qatar. These claims have been strenuously denied by Matteo Messina Denaro, who headed up the Sicily 2022 bid. Continue reading

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Eleven comedians prevented from boarding flight to World Cup


Obvious imposters

Police have prevented a group of eleven comedians from boarding the England World Cup plane as it left Luton Airport on Sunday.

According to officials, the men were wearing identical suits to the England travelling party, and were masquerading as professional footballers.

It was only after airport staff noticed the squad’s obvious lack of co-ordination and inability to keep possession of their luggage that the alarm was raised.

After being interviewed by police, the men confessed they were merely taking part in a comedy team called “England”, in which they play the roles of fictional sportsmen.

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Uncovering FIFA corruption sees The Sunday Times favourite for ‘No Shit, Sherlock’ award for journalism

20140601-074041-27641737.jpgWith the results of an investigation showing corruption in FIFA led to the awarding of the 2022 World Cup to Qatar, The Sunday Times have become this year’s favourites to scoop the ‘No Shit, Sherlock’ award for journalism.

The award is given to stories that use investigations, evidence, and concrete proof to end up with a shocking revelation that most people thought was already fact, leading them to say ‘no shit, Sherlock’.

Previous winners of the award include The Daily Telegraph with their discovery in 2009 that MPs were dishonest.
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England players: ‘little time now left ‘ to avoid World Cup draft


“Psst. Stop limping Phil, it’s your shoulder that’s injured.”

Many English Premiership footballers have only one game left in which to plan and suffer a devastating injury.

The prize at stake is missing the national team’s humiliation in Brazil and enjoying a long lazy summer with their cash and other close friends.

Arsenal’s Theo Walcott submitted a sick note as long ago as January, confirming his status as a true visionary in the eyes of his fans. Continue reading

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Qatar insists migrant worker death toll ‘still on target for World Cup 2022’

desert football

FIFA’s Sepp Blatter described international press as ‘vultures’.

The Emir of Qatar has reassured FIFA that he is ‘confident’ of killing at least 4,000 migrant workers before the 2022 World Cup opening ceremony.

Using a combination of squalid conditions, oppressive brutality and safety gear made out of paper, the emirate has so far managed to see off around 400 Nepalese slaves.

“It’s a start”, said Emir Tamim bin Hamad Al Thani. “We’re on track, but I think we could do more.”
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Germans constructing enormous World Cup towel

TowelBeachConcerned by infrastructure delays surrounding next Summer’s World Cup, the German Football Association has announced that it is the early stages of constructing a gigantic towel to reserve the location of the team’s training base.

The under-construction towel, which is being built by a high-tech Munich weaving company, will cover 15,000 square metres of Brazil’s beachfront and will have black, red and yellow stripes and come pre-washed to avoid unpleasant early lack of absorbancy.

Initial hand-towels have already been completed, and a German fact-finding team have been sent over to Brazil to give these a dry run in the team’s hotel.

Joachim Low’s team have been drawn to play Ghana, Portugal and the United States, and are favourites to beat all of them down to the hotel’s buffet breakfast.

Not everyone is impressed by the Germans’ advance planning. The English FA has already lodged a complaint with FIFA, saying England was “Just about to build a training camp on that site, it’s a bloody liberty!” England manager Roy Hodgson angrily insisted “It really is a bit much, our builders came down there nice and early to find an enormous towel already being built. They’d hardly had breakfast!”

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Village tells FIFA: ‘We’re ready to hold 2022 World Cup’


The village of Harold has stepped into the row about Qatar holding the 2022 World Cup by telling FIFA the village is ready to hold the competition should they need to change host.

“We already have the infrastructure in place” councillor Ronsson said. “And although like Qatar most of it was build using slave labour, ours was built a long time ago when slavery was acceptable so is actually of historical interest.”

Putting Harold’s case forward to take on the World Cup, Ronsson also pointed out several other advantages of holding it in the village instead of Qatar.

“We won’t need air conditioned stadiums as temperatures in Bedfordshire have never gone above 18.7C. We also have the Squirrel Licker Arms. Like many premises in Qatar it doesn’t have an alcohol license, but we have proudly turned a blind eye to that since 1984.”

The one concern levelled at village is the quality and quantity of stadia. Ronsson admitted that Harold Thursday’s ground was the biggest, holding up to 267 spectators. However he has said that can be increased to 534 if supporters are willing to sit on each other’s laps, something else that is allowed in Harold but frowned on in Qatar.

“For less important games we can convert the village green with some pop-up goals from Argos.”

Ronsson has said he thinks Harold’s bid should be enough to convince FIFA to move the tournament as it was delivered in a brown envelope with £1.3m in used notes.

He also noted that compared Qatar, any game played in Harold that goes to a ‘penalty shoot-out’ was less likely to involve a firing squad, a fact that should see the England team sleep a little better.

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