FIFA’s Sepp Blatter described international press as ‘vultures’.
The Emir of Qatar has reassured FIFA that he is ‘confident’ of killing at least 4,000 migrant workers before the 2022 World Cup opening ceremony.
Using a combination of squalid conditions, oppressive brutality and safety gear made out of paper, the emirate has so far managed to see off around 400 Nepalese slaves.
“It’s a start”, said Emir Tamim bin Hamad Al Thani. “We’re on track, but I think we could do more.”
Thanks to investment from the state, conditions for the migrant workers could change shortly. Prime Minister Abdullah Al Thani explained how he was overseeing some upgrades.
“I recently heard that air conditioning wasn’t available in their camps, and that’s a situation that would be completely intolerable.”
“So we’ve sent in some armed guards and a team of gas engineers. Now every one of their sweltering little hovels has a gas heater on 24 hours a day.”
The Prime Minister has urged contracting companies to use the Nepalese as ladders, scaffolding and something soft for other Nepalese to land on.
Sponsors of the World Cup have so far stayed out of the debate. “Nepal isn’t a big market for us, so none of this really matters”, said a spokesman for Budweiser. Meanwhile Nike and Adidas claimed that the situation was exaggerated, stating that conditions were ‘no worse than in our Kathmandu sweat shops’.
The Emir’s confidence will reassure FIFA that they made the right choice for 2022, particularly as some critics had wondered if Qatar’s human rights record wasn’t quite bad enough to achieve their goal.
“When infidels from across the globe walk into the stadiums over the graves of these scum, they will be in awe of what we’ve managed to pull off”, said the Emir.
“And if there’s still some left to kill, we’ll set tigers on them as part of the opening ceremony. In Qatar, we call this the ‘Beautiful Game’.
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