New crack in universe traced to Brazil football defeat

Brazilian net ‘like a black hole’

A massive super-fissure in the fabric of the universe was most likely caused by Brazil’s unprecedented thrashing by Germany, claim scientists at Jodrell Bank.

“The devastating effect of Brazil’s defeat should not be understated,” said Professor Brian Cox. “It almost destroyed the universe.”

The giant crack was first observed Tuesday evening and opened up wide enough to give astrophysicists an unparalleled view of a parallel universe.

“We sat awhile watching an alternative reality fixture between Brazil and Germany,” continued Cox. “The first 80 minutes were much the same as in our own universe, with Germany holding a 7-goal lead over the opposition. But matters took a different turn when the managers made their substitutions.”

Pundits questioned the wisdom of German manager Joachim Loew’s decision to take off his three front strikers. “Bringing on the three dead German philosophers was his downfall,” said Alan Shearer. “Every time Schrodinger kicked the ball, it squealed like a cat and vanished. And it was inevitable that Nietzsche was going to get red-carded for arguing with the referee. In-match analysis by Immanuel Kant did nothing to help team morale, despite his insistence that it was categorically imperative they win.”

“Nevertheless, Germany could have held their lead for the last ten minutes,” added Rio Ferdinand, “but for the brilliant substitutions made by Scolari. Bringing on Neymar was inspired. Who would have thought he could score a hat-trick despite being in a wheelchair and attached to a drip? He would have scored another three if he hadn’t been sent off for a dive. When you watch the replay, it’s pretty clear he was tipped up by a German defender.”

Even so, Brazil levelled with Germany after Scolari brought on Neymar’s great great grandmother. Despite being very dead, she played better than the rest of the Brazilian team put together.

“But the genius of Scolari became abundantly clear in the final minute when he took off goal-keeper Julio Cesar and brought on the original Julius Caesar, whose leadership qualities and prowess in battle were clear for all to see when he saved all five penalties despite being stabbed in the back.”

One day on and the fissure in the space-time continuum has miraculously repaired itself. “Scolari’s dream is over,” said Cox. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to pop over to Moss Side again. There’s another match tonight.”